Chocolate Chip Mint 18, Fudge Ripple 18: can't go back

[bookblather]

Title: can't go back
Main Story: In the Heart
Flavors, Toppings, Extras: Chocolate chip mint 18 (ancient), fudge ripple 18 (sacrifice), whipped cream (Olivia is thirteen) (yup), malt (sarcastic_sra's birthday prompt: You sound so innocent, all full of good intent/Swear you know best/But you expect me to jump up on board with you/And ride off into

Comments

[mari_mac1109]

God I hate Olivia's mom.

Oh, Olivia. :(

The way you switched modes from silly girl talk to BAM serious made the serious bits that much heavier, and man was this heavy. I don't think I can say 'Poor Olivia!' enough.

And Yvonne going about the room, asking her if she needs her sheet music... that little gesture makes the scene so believable. Like, of course that's not what they need to take, but when you're about to split, you can't think straight. And selling Olivia's jewelry. :(

Olivia felt suddenly very, very old, and very, very fragile.

That line just really drove the piece home for me.

Nicely done! This piece is really powerful and very, very sad. :( But really well written.

[bookblather]

Like I said, Olivia's life is pretty much going to suck for the next four years. But then she meets Gina, and then Jake shortly after that, and she'll get her daddy back or I will cut my story so help me God.

I don't know if you can cut a story. But I will try.

Anyway. Thanks so much for reading! And judging from the rest of the comments, you are not alone in disliking Yvonne. Thinking up a suitable punishment is going to be hard.

[darkfaerieclaw]

This was so well-written - the jarring suddenness of Yvonne's announcement gave everything that followed a sense of unreality to it that enhanced everything that came after. If I didn't hate Yvonne before, I most certainly do now - the way she makes everything she's doing in this scene sound so easy. Poor, poor Olivia. And Hugh, because god, really?

Great job - despite everything, I like it a lot.

[bookblather]

I'm planning a followup piece from Hugh's POV, and then, just to make sure that you all REALLY hate Yvonne, one from her perspective as well, so you'll have to tell me if those work as well as this one does. Anyway, thanks so much for your lovely comment! I hadn't meant for the sense of unreality, but now that you mention it, I can see it, and I like it, so I totally meant to put that there. :D Thanks so much for reading!

[bookblather]

Finding a suitably karmic punishment to satisfy you might be a bit hard. *grin* We'll see what happens. Anyway, thanks for reading this! I promise I will make Olivia's life better, and she will get her daddy back, or somebody will pay for it.

Which would probably be me, wouldn't it. Hmm.

[niee87]

Oh, man! Poor, poor Olivia :( That can't possibly be an easy thing to assimiliate, especially with stupid Yvonne making it all 100 times worse.

I also like the change from girl talk to seriousness, like mari_mac, it's a nice set up for the hit that's coming.

Ugh, Yvonne. I want to strangle her after this piece!!

[bookblather]

I was trying to put bits of the second half of the story in the girl talk, so it didn't seem TOO jarring. And yeah, Yvonne... even if she wasn't deliberately trying to hurt Olivia so she'd come, that was not the best way to break the news. You're probably not alone in Yvonne-related rage...

Thanks for reading!

[sarcasticsra]

God, poor Olivia. Ffffffff Yvonne, I do so not like you at all. This is really great, and I love how you wrote the tone shift. Well done!

[bookblather]

Thank you very much! The tone shift sort of built itself in, but it seems to be a big hit. I'm glad it worked for you!