Comments | runaway_tales: vanilla malt with whipped cream

hi_falootin in runaway_tales

vanilla malt with whipped cream

Sep 23, 2009 21:55

Author:
( Read more... )

[extra] malt, [topping] whipped cream, [author] falootin, [challenge] vanilla

Comments 15

shayna611 September 24 2009, 05:22:38 UTC

ok, so yeah it's a cliche situation, but you got me feeling bad for little Lonnie :(

And the kid's voice works quite well. I can imagine a lot of that coming out of Gwen - especially the bit about Gretchen not really meaning it when she looked in the closet and how he could tell the difference ;)

hi_falootin September 24 2009, 05:28:11 UTC

hey, at least his parents aren't fundamentalists!

and thank you! I'm glad the kid-speak rang true :D

shayna611 September 24 2009, 05:29:49 UTC

he would not be Lonnie if they were

theoryoferin September 24 2009, 15:49:53 UTC

i think it was still cute, even if the scene is overdone. [:

hi_falootin September 24 2009, 23:27:26 UTC

thank you! :D

gandolforf September 25 2009, 00:04:27 UTC

I wouldn't say it was overdone. From a child's point of view, it's a dramatic scene. If you'd just written it airily, with a few chipped sentences or paragraphs, it would've looked hollow and unrealistic. This gives it more of a feel like it's happening now (and the 2nd person POV helps, but that's not totally it), and little!Lonnie's emotions are at the forefront. Right where they should be.

hi_falootin September 25 2009, 18:47:41 UTC

Thanks :) I'm glad it worked for you. And good point--it's one of those scenarios that we see a lot because it's true to life, I think, but it's not dramatic from an adult perspective.

nathskywalker September 25 2009, 10:59:47 UTC

Slightly cliché, yes, but it says a lot about Lonnie's mother. Especially the part where she doesn't even kiss him. Poor little guy.

hi_falootin September 25 2009, 21:02:42 UTC

I think I had a line in there earlier about her not kissing him "like she didn't want to smudge her lipstick" which is the reason she doesn't, but I didn't feel like it worked from the kid-POV. Because I don't think he'd think about why she hadn't, just THAT she hadn't. I wasn't trying to show her as physically non affectionate, just...not a very ~comforting~ presence.

Thank you! :)

nathskywalker September 25 2009, 21:20:33 UTC

Somehow I imagined that that was why she didn't do it. Seems like something a woman like her would do.

fachefaucheux September 26 2009, 22:18:50 UTC

For some reason, Lonnie's mother comes off to me as being somewhat menacing...must be the black/red nail polish thing and the all alone bit...

Almost makes you feel bad for the little guy. T__T