Take Me There for beastlyshine 5/7
That leads to Chanyeol waiting for Joonmyun outside his apartment so that they can catch the train together, next Monday, early in the morning. Joonmyun had wanted to drive them both there, but Chanyeol insisted that it would be more fun to ride the train. Joonmyun is walking down the stairs now with a small suitcase, and Chanyeol laughs.
"Hyung, you didn't have to take so much clothes with you." Chanyeol points to his own baggage, only a backpack, with boxers, a few t-shirts, jeans and of course toothbrush.
"These are necessary things," Joonmyun says as they start walking and Chanyeol moves away a little bit, because their hands keep on bumping into each other. He doesn't have anything against it but he dislikes the way his stomach flips every time that happens. "Are you sure your parents are okay with me coming with you?"
He looks adorable, eyebrows furrowed, and lips pressed together as he looks at Chanyeol. "I'm sure," Chanyeol assures. "Mom likes it when I take home my friends. Last time, I went with Baekhyun, Minseok hyung and Jongin."
Joonmyun hums. "I'm relieved." Then he clears his throat. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but I have never heard you mention your dad..."
"It's fine," Chanyeol says, jamming his hands in his pockets. "He's in London. New family and all. He left me and mom, and took my older sister with him when I was thirteen."
Chanyeol had expected an I'm sorry but instead there is silence, and a warm palm against his back. Joonmyun smiles up at him, and Chanyeol decides this is better than that.
The train is about to leave, and Joonmyun and Chanyeol catch it just in time. Chanyeol lets Joonmyun take the seat next to the window, and helps him with his suitcase. They're sitting comfortably when the train starts, and Joonmyun starts talking about the book that he is currently reading.
"I'm reading Kim Young Ha," Chanyeol decides to tell, a tiny smile on his lips and Joonmyun's eyes widens. "Giving him a third chance. I don't dislike him as much."
Joonmyun is grinning widely as he leans back against the seat. "That's very nice to hear."
It is in the midst of trying to have a conversation that Chanyeol feels sleepy, eyes half-open and only half listening to something that Joonmyun is saying. Joonmyun notices, and pats his shoulder with a soft smile and Chanyeol hesitates for a few seconds before he puts his head there. Joonmyun's honey scent is soothing, so he moves a little closer, and Joonmyun doesn't mind. He falls asleep like that.
It is two hours later that Joonmyun pokes him on the arm and tells him to wake up because they're here now.
Chanyeol only vaguely remembers the way home from the train station, but they manage, still. Now they're standing outside the apartment building and Chanyeol scrolls through his notes to find the code. "Three stairs up," Chanyeol says when they're inside. "But we have an elevator, actually." Joonmyun slaps his arm and Chanyeol snickers.
He rings on the door and when his mom opens, she is looking at him with wide, surprised eyes before bursting out in tears, and soon after, Jinri is stumbling out too. She smiles brightly at him and he grins back before putting his arms around his mom in a hug. She smells just the same. He's home.
*
Jinri's eyes are on Joonmyun and the way he's clutching onto Chanyeol's arm. She looks rather curious. Chanyeol notices. "This is Joonmyun," he says, when he takes off his shoes and Joonmyun bows at them. "This is Jinri, and this is my mom."
"I've heard a lot about you," Jinri is quick to say, and she's smiling in a way that makes Chanyeol know that she has bad plans in her head. "Chanyeol talks a lot about you."
Joonmyun colors and he grins. "I never knew that."
"You talked to me once on the phone," Jinri continues, and Chanyeol freezes.
"Oh." Joonmyun seems to remember now. Forehead against forehead. Hand holding Chanyeol’s. "Yes, yes, that day."
Chanyeol puts his arm around his mom's shoulder and leads them to the kitchen, in an attempt to cut the conversation, but he hears Jinri whisper to Joonmyun. "Thank you for taking care of Chanyeol," she says, and Chanyeol rolls his eyes.
"You should have told me you were coming," his mom says now, when they all sit down around the kitchen table.
"I'm sorry for coming along," Joonmyun says and Chanyeol nudges him on the arm.
"I told you already there is nothing to apologize for," he reminds Joonmyun and his mother nods.
"It's very nice to have you here," she says, "it's just that if I had known, I would've went out to buy something home yesterday to cook today..."
"It's fine, mom, we still have much time until dinner."
She sighs, and nods. "How long are you staying?"
"Until Saturday," Chanyeol says, and stands up. He grabs Joonmyun by the wrist and tells them that they'll be right back before dragging him to his bedroom. It's still the same. "This is where I grew up."
Joonmyun is looking around, and then he lets his eyes land on the photo hanging on the wall. Chanyeol breathes in. This is him showing Joonmyun a piece of himself. He walks up to the photo and takes it down. "This is me, my mom, my dad, and then my two sisters. This is my older one, Yura, and this is... Su Ji."
Joonmyun smiles, and if he notices something, he doesn't ask. Chanyeol thinks he's ready to tell, but they've got five more days. Today, he wants them to spend time with Jinri, because she needs it.
"Jinri..." he starts, quietly, and catches Joonmyun's attention.
"I know," Joonmyun says, softly, and he smiles. "I know, Chanyeol. I noticed. She's very young."
Chanyeol nods. "I know but..." Joonmyun puts his hand on Chanyeol's shoulder.
"The reasons why you wanted to go home was this?"
"And my mom, too. I haven’t seen her in months."
Joonmyun wraps his hand around Chanyeol's wrist. "Then let's just spend much time with them. We'll take care of Jinri, too. Don't worry. It must have been hard on you, worrying so much about her all by yourself. Relax."
Chanyeol swallows, and Joonmyun's hand is still around his wrist, warm and soft, so he breathes out and calms. "If you say so." Their fingers are intertwined now, and Chanyeol thinks maybe he should pull away. He doesn’t.
*
Joonmyun suggests they go to the library. “You work at the library,” Chanyeol remarks, but is already putting on his shoes in the hall, “and now you’re finally off work, and you want to go to the library again.” This causes Joonmyun to chuckle.
“It’s not that,” Joonmyun says, closing the door behind him, and steps aside so that Chanyeol can lock it. His mom is already at work. “I thought, did Jinri go to the hospital? Did she ever read anything about being pregnant and what you should do, or what you should not?”
Yesterday, when they had dinner, Joonmyun had talked with Jinri very comfortably about the baby. She seemed embarrassed, but Joonmyun was focused on what she had to say, and Chanyeol had been grinning at them. They’d walked her home, and Chanyeol thinks it was a good thing to bring Joonmyun with him when Jinri smiled very widely at them before going inside.
“I don’t know,” Chanyeol replies, biting his lower lip. “Ah, I’ve been useless, haven’t I.”
Joonmyun pats him. “You’re just younger than me, of course you wouldn’t think about that. Now, should we go pick Jinri up first?”
They end up spending most of the day reading books in the library and Chanyeol has never seen Jinri so focused in front of a book until now. He glances at her stomach, and imagines how the baby is growing, day by day, and becoming such an important thing to Jinri. She has changed, and he knows it’s for the best. He reaches out to put his hand on hers, and she looks up with wide eyes, and mouths what?. He just shakes his head and chuckles, before going back to look in the book.
“Jinri, you don’t drink, right?” Chanyeol asks. “You shouldn’t drink during pregnancy.”
She rolls her eyes at him. “First of all, I know that already, and second, I don’t drink.”
“But you drink coffee all the time, and you shouldn’t drink too much things with caffeine in.” Chanyeol gives her a glare. “Cut that down.”
“I will,” she mumbles.
“By the end of third month, you will probably gain several pounds,” Joonmyun tells her. “You will feel tired, too, so try to take naps and rest properly. Calcium is also very important, so try to include much of that. Drink milk, or yogurt and eat ice cream.”
Jinri nods, and takes in the information seriously. If they’d been back to high school and Joonmyun is a teacher instead, talking about this, she would never have cared.
“Don’t eat too much seafood or fish, either,” Joonmyun continues, closing his book. “Don’t let yourself overheat, and don’t take too much medications. But I think you already know that. We should go to the hospital.”
“We already booked a time next week,” Jinri tells, “Chanyeol’s mother and I. Don’t worry, even though my parents don’t really care that much, I still have Chanyeol’s mother. She takes care of me. I’m just glad to have Chanyeol here. And meeting you is very nice, too.”
Joonmyun smiles softly. “I’m glad.” Chanyeol wants to take his hand. This time, he does, reaching out to brush his palm gently on Joonmyun’s hand, and his gaze lingers a bit too long. Then he drops his hand, and does not look up to Jinri. He knows she saw.
*
“You can sleep in my bed,” Chanyeol suggest, when they’re finished showering and about to go to bed. It’s already 11 PM, and they just finished watching a movie on the TV with his mom. Joonmyun slept on the couch yesterday and Chanyeol knows how uncomfortable it is to sleep there. He pats on his bed. “It’s big enough for two.”
“I hope you don’t mind then,” Joonmyun says, crawling up and pulling the sheets around him. His hair is still a little wet, and he seems tired, eyes closing all the time although he struggles to keep them up. Chanyeol grins before lying down next to him. There are butterflies in his stomach. “Goodnight, Chanyeol.”
He looks down at Joonmyun, whose eyes are already closed. “Goodnight, hyung.”
The way Joonmyun sleep is adorable, limbs all over the place and mouth slightly open. Chanyeol takes in the sight and doesn’t sleep until much later. He throws an arm around Joonmyun and doesn’t think much about it.
*
“Be careful,” Joonmyun says, both hands on Chanyeol’s back when he falls backward. The touch is nice, and Chanyeol stands up properly. “You are so clumsy.”
“I know,” Chanyeol mumbles, a little bit embarrassed.
It’s not much, but the simplest of touch gets Chanyeol all heated up anyway, like when Joonmyun casually presses a palm against his back when they’re standing in queue in a bubble tea store, or when Joonmyun wraps fingers around Chanyeol’s hand if they’re standing on a bus, to steady himself or stop Chanyeol from stumbling. Chanyeol stumbles twice a day, and when Joonmyun is there, he is always ready to catch him. And Joonmyun’s touches burn even long after when Chanyeol is getting ready for bed. He doesn’t want to admit it, but Joonmyun’s got him all tied up in knots, and Chanyeol has never been sure what to do with these kind of feelings. That is why he decided to press them down in the first place, but perhaps, without him noticing they’re already bubbling up to the surface again.
They’re helping Chanyeol’s mom with dinner now. Joonmyun is cutting the carrots and Chanyeol is rinsing red beets, and their sides are pressed against each other because the kitchen is very small, and there are Jinri and his mother, too. He tries not to think about it, though, and takes another red beet when he’s finished with one. They’re having soup today.
“Su Ji really liked your soup, mom,” he says, quietly, and he feels his mother’s eyes on him.
“She did,” she says, and that is all.
They proceed to work in silence, and Joonmyun gives Chanyeol curious looks but doesn’t ask anything. When Joonmyun reaches out to rinse a carrot, his body pressing up against Chanyeol’s, it seems like Chanyeol’s heart is going to burst as a lump forms in his throat. It is getting harder to swallow down. He sits across from Joonmyun when the food is finished, instead of next to him.
*
It is after dinner when they’ve walked Jinri home and are both changing into sleeping clothes, that Chanyeol makes them both hot chocolate and leads Joonmyun up to the roof. His mother is sleeping already, work is starting early tomorrow. She used to hate it when he climbed up there with Su Ji as a kid, and he thinks she still doesn’t like it. He tells Joonmyun this, and again, he looks at Chanyeol with curious eyes when Su Ji comes up.
“Do you remember,” Chanyeol begins, after sipping on his chocolate and cupping his hands around the cup for warmth. It is chilly tonight, the summer heat long gone, and Joonmyun is wearing a thick sweater. Chanyeol licks his upper lip and breathes in. Maybe he should have put on one, too. But Joonmyun is right next to him, so he is fine. He clears his throat. “Do you remember when we were at the beach?”
Joonmyun hums. “How could I forget?” he says. “You were so…” He pauses.
“I know,” Chanyeol says, chuckling a little. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“I’m glad that I saw it,” Joonmyun says, shaking his head and leaning in closer, as if that was possible. Chanyeol has to stop himself from moving away, because he actually doesn’t want to, but his mind tells him to. He sits still, the scent of Joonmyun’s shampoo is strong when he inhales. “Because I believe you don’t show that kind of side to anyone. I’m glad that I was one of the few who you let see it.”
Chanyeol isn’t sure how to answer. He smiles instead, a tiny one, but it falters when he continues to talk. “Su Ji is my sister. Little sister.”
“I was…” Joonmyun quickly glances at Chanyeol, “I guessed that.”
“I… she drowned when she was only ten, and I was thirteen. My friends and I wanted to go swim, but she insisted that she wanted to go with us. She loved the beach. She didn’t know how to swim, though, so I told her to stay where the water reached up to her belly. She never listened to me, so I don’t know why I thought she would at that time.” He stops and takes calming breaths. Joonmyun’s palm are on his back again. “Su Ji died because I couldn’t hear her.”
“You’re blaming yourself,” Joonmyun says, barely a whisper and his hot breath tickles against Chanyeol’s neck. “I guessed that, too.”
“Aren’t you going to tell me to stop doing it?”
Joonmyun smiles and he’s having one arm around Chanyeol’s waist now, pulling him closer. His fingers press into Chanyeol’s side. “I thought about that,” Joonmyun tells, “but I’m guessing that many people have told you that already. So instead of that, I’m going to hug you. Is that okay?”
Something flutters in Chanyeol’s chest and he laughs as Joonmyun puts down his cup of chocolate. “You’re ridiculous,” Chanyeol says, when Joonmyun is tugging him closer by the wrists. “You don’t ask someone if you can hug them.”
“Deal with it,” Joonmyun says, smiling, and then he’s embracing Chanyeol, tiny arms around a big body, and Chanyeol tenses a bit, but eventually relaxes and leans into the touch. Their chests are pressed against each other and Chanyeol takes deep breaths, before pulling Joonmyun closer, palms pressed against his back.
“You smell good, hyung,” he sighs, and he loosens his grip slightly around the smaller man. He can feel Joonmyun’s heartbeat against his own. It’s calming. “Did you know that?”
“No, but I am glad to know that you think so.”
“And your sweaters are very lame.”
“I’ve heard.”
“And this…” Chanyeol swallows. “This is nice.”
Joonmyun laughs, and it tickles in Chanyeol’s whole body. “I know.”
“Sometimes,” Chanyeol whispers, and he isn’t sure what he wants to say, or maybe he has too much to say. “Sometimes, I want to reach out and take your hand and just hold it. And I like it when you have your palm on my back, because it feels like someone is there to catch me if I ever fall. Also, I’d like to. Do this. More. Hug you, I mean.”
It feels like Chanyeol is about to explode because of all these feelings, the ones that he’s been pressing down are all bubbling up again and fast, and he can’t stop it no matter how much he does, so he just pulls Joonmyun closer again. He’s never been comfortable with going around and liking boys or thinking boys are pretty instead of dating girls, but there is Joonmyun. There is Joonmyun who cares and worries about him, who holds Chanyeol with his small body, and Chanyeol thinks this is more than good.
“Sometimes,” he breathes out, and Joonmyun nods, telling him to continue as he draws circles on Chanyeol’s back. “Sometimes I want to hold you really close. I am envious of Jongin who can grab your hand and put his head on your lap and-”
“You can do that, too,” Joonmyun says, chuckling. “Of course you can.”
“Hyung,” Chanyeol says and he pulls away. He’s trembling and Joonmyun is so, so beautiful with the moonlight on him and his eyes are turning into crescents as he smiles and Chanyeol leans closer. “Let... let me do this.”
“Do what-”
His words are fading as Chanyeol brushes his lips against Joonmyun’s, faintly, and they’re barely actually kissing, but he inhales Joonmyun for a second there before pressing their mouths together. The kiss is clumsy and childish, but Chanyeol is exploding inside, chest fluttering and stomach filled with butterflies that are taking flight, when Joonmyun puts hands on his shoulders and kisses him back, and the touch burns. Joonmyun’s lips are soft beneath Chanyeol’s dry ones, and he wants, wants to taste more but then there is a cutting feeling in his stomach, and he pulls away just as fast as he’d pushed Joonmyun to him.
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, stumbling down from the roof before Joonmyun can say anything, but he follows quietly. Chanyeol has to bite the inside of his lips, because the confused look on Joonmyun’s breaks him. “You… I can sleep on the couch today. You take the bed.”
He takes out the extra sheets and pillows from his closet and heads to the couch in silence, leaving Joonmyun in his bedroom. He can’t fall asleep that night, the touch of Joonmyun’s lips still burning, while there are ice cubes in his stomach. This isn’t right, he tells himself.
*
Chanyeol does it without meaning to, sitting next to Jinri, and far from Joonmyun. Moves away when Joonmyun comes close, and avoids his eyes. Sleeps on the couch even though his back hurts every morning, and he wishes he was next to Joonmyun instead, for a second, before shoving the thought away.
He does it without meaning to, and he knows he shouldn’t, because Joonmyun looks hurt. He spends the last two days doing exactly this, though, and now they’re at the train station, and they have five minutes left before the train leaves and they’ll be back in Seoul. Chanyeol’s mom gives them both long hugs and tells them to take care of themselves, and steps aside for Jinri to say goodbye.
“Thank you for being so kind,” she tells Joonmyun while laughing, and hugs him.
She is smiling at Chanyeol when it’s his turn, and patting him on the back before wrapping her arms around him in a tight embrace. “Take care of yourself,” she whispers, so quiet that it’s only for him to hear.
“You should be taking care of yourself, don’t worry about me,” he laughs, and they’re still hugging.
Jinri pulls away, and she’s still whispering. “I’m your best friend,” she says, and he nods. “I see things that you don’t and… Chanyeol, you shouldn’t be afraid anymore.” She pauses, and then leans her forehead against his. She talks so quietly that he can barely even hear her. “You shouldn’t be afraid to love Joonmyun. Don’t push him away, because he cares for you.”
Chanyeol’s eyes widens, and he pulls away, lips pressed together into a straight line. “I’m okay,” he tells her, flatly, and picks up his backpack. “Take care, mom, and Jinri. I’ll call you both.” Then he steps on the train without glancing at Jinri one last time, and Joonmyun follows.
It’s quiet. They don’t talk and it’s not an comfortable silence either. Chanyeol is sleepy, but he doesn’t lean on Joonmyun’s shoulder. They’re sitting far from each other, hands to themselves and this is how their week off ends. Chanyeol regrets, when he gets home, but this is how it should be.
*
Three weeks pass by slowly, as Chanyeol doesn't visit the library, and avoids it when Yixing asks him to go watch the band play. Joonmyun does still drop by the record store like always, but Chanyeol always has his face hidden by a book, pretending to read even though he's listening to every word that Joonmyun says to Yixing. He thinks Joonmyun knows, because it's not like he turns a page or something. They don't talk about it, and Joonmyun still smiles at him that way, although not as wide. Every time, it cuts in his chest but Chanyeol only smiles back and pretends that everything's all right.
There are times when he wants to put the book down and walk up to Joonmyun, to be back to that night on the roof, where he would have Joonmyun's arms around him, just to lean down and kiss him afterwards. But then he looks up and there is Yixing right there, and he knows he cannot, will not and most of all, should not.
It is already the beginning of September, the warmth of summer long gone and replaced by chilly breezes as Chanyeol wraps a scarf around his neck and walks outside. He doesn't work as much at the record store as University has started two weeks ago. He works only two times in a weeks, two second shiftS, one that he shares with Yixing on Fridays and one that he has by himself, Tuesdays. He hasn't met Hyosung in a long while, and not Minseok or--
He hasn't met anyone much recently, except Baekhyun. He has calls with Jinri three times a week and a few with his mom. Yura sends him messages once in a while, and he replies. It is never anything more than how are you today, or what did you have for dinner, sometimes even i miss you , but Chanyeol appreciates it all.
Life is going slowly when he always has to force his feet to lead him home instead of towards the library, and as he slides down into his seat in the classroom, blocking out the students’ voices, he misses summer and days filled with Hyosung talking to her friends on the phone, Jongin’s rude comments, Zitao's accented Korean and the band's lively mood. Most of all, Joonmyun's gentle smiles. He misses going to see the band on Fridays, misses sitting next to Joonmyun, legs pressed against each other. Misses Joonmyun.
But then the teacher walks in, clearing her voice, and Chanyeol is back to reality. He sits up properly on his chair again, and eyes focused on Mrs. Kim as she tells them 'good morning', and this is where he continues to press down his feelings, although they are already overflowing, hides his heart even when he knows he wears it on his sleeve and swallows down words that he wishes he could tell Joonmyun.
*
"You are strange these days," Baekhyun tells Chanyeol when they're in the library, studying for a test. He has his eyes on Chanyeol, who doesn't even look up. "How is Joonmyun hyung? And the band? I haven't seen them in weeks..."
"Why are you asking me?" Chanyeol snaps.
Baekhyun frowns at him and shakes his head. "Is something up? Did you fight?"
"We didn't," Chanyeol says, because they really did not. "It's complicated."
"I'm thinking of coming to see the band play, on Friday." Baekhyun is still staring at him, and Chanyeol refuses to look back. "Are you coming?"
Chanyeol does not answer, but Baekhyun already knows it’s a ‘no’. It’s always been a ‘no’ ever since three weeks ago. Baekhyun sighs, and closes his book, gathers them all and puts it in his backpack before leaving without a word and Chanyeol finally looks.
*
Yixing is in the midst of taking out new albums from a box when Chanyeol arrives on Friday for his shift. He waves at Chanyeol, and the taller boy waves back, plopping down on the floor next to Yixing.
"Do you need help?" Chanyeol asks.
"Actually," Yixing begins, slowly, as Chanyeol takes another box to tear up the tape. "I have packages to pick up at the post office, and I keep on forgetting, and this is the last day--"
Chanyeol chuckles, and nudges Yixing on the arm. "It's okay, just go."
"Are you sure?"
Chanyeol nods, and Yixing gives him a pat on the shoulder before standing up and grabbing his jacket, heading out. Chanyeol looks down at all the albums and sighs, before getting to work.
There are many that comes in to look at the CDs but only a few asks for help or wants to buy anything, so Chanyeol busies himself with all the albums and when that is finished, he's comfortable on the chair behind the counter with a book in his hand. It's Kim Young Ha, and Chanyeol can't help but think of the way Joonmyun talks about his books, moving his hands along, and the tiny smile on his lips, as he tells Chanyeol all about them.
"Chanyeol? You there?" Chanyeol blinks, and looks up when he hears a voice. It's only Jongin, though, who is frowning at him. "You big giant, what if someone came here and took all of the store's CDs. You should stop losing yourself in your own world all the time."
Jongin leans against the counter and Chanyeol rolls his eyes at him. "What are you doing here? Don't you have homework?"
"I actually don't," Jongin says, shrugging. "I am supposed to meet Sehun and Zitao in about fifteen minutes, here."
"Oh, so is this some meeting place?" Chanyeol laughs. "What are you guys going to do?"
"Bubble tea date?" Jongin says, pulling a face. "Sehun is craving for bubble tea, okay."
"I would like some right now, too." Chanyeol puts down his book. "How is everyone?"
"Yeah, right," Jongin says, as if he just remembered something, and stands up properly, eyes on Chanyeol. "Everyone is good. But Joonmyun hyung is worrying about you."
Blinking, Chanyeol stares at Jongin with furrowed eyebrows and without meaning to, his heart starts pounding. "Why?"
Jongin breathes out and there is an annoyed look on his face. "I don't actually know what happened but you both have been weird ever since you got back home. You never visit the band anymore, and it's like you're avoiding Joonmyun hyung at every chance you get. I heard you aren't even answering his messages anymore."
Chanyeol plays with his fingers and wets his upper lip, thinking of something to say but there is nothing, because Jongin is right. "It's not that..."
"You keep staring at him, though," Jongin says and Chanyeol is caught off guard. "Even when you have a book plastered in front of your face, I've see you staring at him when you think that no one is noticing, and don't even try to deny. I'm not blind. It's Joonmyun hyung that is blind, and it's you, you being a dumb big giant and refusing to--" Jongin bites his lip. "I don't have the right to say this, I think, because I'm not you. But you should... accept it. You're being like Sehun now."
"What do you mean?" Chanyeol says, and his chest is uncomfortable now as he looks at Jongin. "I actually don't understand a word."
Jongin's eyes are blank as he presses his lips into a thin line. "Your stares. They're just like Sehun's, when he look at Zitao."
Chanyeol opens his mouth, just to close it again, because no words are coming out. "Oh."
"Sehun keeps denying it." Jongin is having the serious expression on and Chanyeol wants to wipe it off his face because Jongin is cuter when he's smiling, but Chanyeol is too busy not throwing up to do so. "That he likes boys. That he likes Zitao. You're just like him."
"Jongin, I don't--"
"Why don't you just date Joonmyun hyung?"
No matter how many time Chanyeol swallows, his throat is still dry. "I don't like him that way," he responds, and Jongin narrows his eyes at him. "And things like dating, or love, it's too tiring and useless. Falling in love with someone," he pauses and stops Joonmyun's face from appearing in his mind, "that's too troublesome for me."
"And I don't want you to hurt Joonmyun hyung," Jongin snarls. "Stop being stupid. I'm tired of being surrounded by dumb people who hurt others because they're too much of a coward to accept themselves."
With those words said, Jongin leaves the store and everything hangs in the air. Chanyeol has it hard to breathe. Sehun and Zitao don't show up.
*
It's 7 AM when he wakes up and feels empty inside. He's only had two hours of sleep, yet tiredness is not the thing that bothers him, rather it’s the hole in his chest. He's picked up the habit of letting himself drown in thoughts instead of sleeping, recently. He never dreams of Su Ji anymore, but of tiny arms around his waist and soft lips on his own and he wakes up to nothing but darkness and coldness, because he always leaves the window open even though it's already Fall.
The sun is too strong, seeping in through the curtains and he groans, forcing legs to stand up. The floor beneath him is cold, and he shudders. It doesn't take more than twenty minutes to clean his face, brush his teeth and pull on some clothes.
Breakfast is hard to swallow down, remembering last night's conversation with Jongin. There are feelings ready to shoot up again like last time on the roof, at any second and words stuck in his throat that he wants to say but won't let himself.
Chanyeol finds his phone under the sheets on his bed and fingers are typing the words I miss you but he doesn't send it. He needs air. It's half past eight now and he thinks he'll explode soon if he stays inside. His eyes lands on the camera he hasn't touched in three weeks now, and decides that today's a beautiful day. He should capture the very last bit of summer before it slips through his fingers, green grass replaced by red-brownish leaves before he even has time to blink.
*
The weather is still cold, although the sun is warm against his cheeks, and he is taking a slow walk. He is just about to lift his camera to turn it on when his phone starts to vibrate in his pocket. Taking it out hurriedly, he freezes when he sees who it is. Chanyeol feels sick, but he swallows it all down, finger hovering over the 'answer' button.
"Hi," he manages to say, pressing the phone against his ear and waiting for Joonmyun's voice. He's missed it.
It's only a soft, "Hello, Chanyeol", but it is all to make Chanyeol struggle to calm his heart.
He holds his breath, because it seems like all he can do right now. Joonmyun's still not saying anything and Chanyeol has too many things to say, but none are allowed to be voiced out by himself right now, so he focuses on the small stones that he has managed to get into his Converse instead, beneath his feet. He listens to Joonmyun's breathing.
"Do you want to do something tomorrow?" Joonmyun finally says, voice forever calm and patient and hopeful, but Chanyeol remembers all too well, the disappointed and confused look on his face that day when Chanyeol had pulled away without explaining.
The question startles Chanyeol, though, and he has to think twice before answering. He gulps down the 'yes' and says, "No, I can't." Chanyeol is a liar. "I'm busy all week."
"Oh."
Chanyeol is distracting himself by turning on the camera to browse through his pictures.
"How about next week? Wednesday? I'll pick you up from work..."
Chanyeol forgets that his camera always displays the latest photos, though, and stays silent as he looks at Joonmyun's smiling face in front of him. This was taken when they were at the library with Jinri. Chanyeol had surprised Joomnyun, taking up the camera without telling, but the older man had managed to smile just in time before Chanyeol took the picture.
It's ridiculous, but now it's clear. Feelings already at the surface, since the moment he saw Joonmyun for the fourth time, at the songwriting lesson. They are overflowing, and have been ever since they got back from their one week's vacation.
"Yeah," he chokes out and takes in shaky breaths. “I’d like to do something.”
"Wednesday, then? At seven?" Joonmyun says, and he's talking quickly. He adds, in a more quiet, and softer voice, "I've missed you."
Chanyeol finally stops swallowing down his words, and laughs, "I've missed you, too."
*
He calls Baekhyun at midnight, who is snarling at him about waking him up this late, but Chanyeol is excited. He’s never had so many emotions before, and he’d reached for the phone before he could stop himself.
"I'm going to tell you a secret," he whispers, a tiny smile on his lips. “There is someone I like.”
“Did you meet a girl without telling me?”
Chanyeol licks his lips. “It’s not... a girl.”
There is silence, and then there is Baekhyun bursting out laughing, and Chanyeol is a little confused, but he takes it as a good sign. "Are you drunk? But, I've guessed. You do stare way too much at Joonmyun hyung."
"I'm that obvious?" He vaguely remembers Jongin telling him something similar, a long time ago.
"Yes."
Chanyeol smiles. "I love you."
"Ew." Baekhyun is making disgusted noises. "But I love you, too. Now please, let me sleep."
He is still smiling when they hang up, and goes to lie down in his bed. Chanyeol lets himself think of Lu Han for the first time in a very long while, and all the feelings that he's had for the boy. He thinks of girls and their long hairs and pretty smiles, how Baekhyun talks about them all the time.
But he thinks, there is nowhere he'd rather want to be than next by Joonmyun, and there is no one else's hand he would rather hold than Joonmyun's. There is no girl in this world that would manage to make his heart run around the whole world, like it does for Joonmyun.
He lets himself close his eyes, and he starts accepting for that moment.
*
Spending time together on Wednesday means Joonmyun making dinner for both of them. They are quiet most of the time, Joonmyun making the food and Chanyeol sits on one of the chair in the kitchen, staring at him although he tries not to. There's still awkwardness hanging in the air, but Chanyeol doesn't mind. He'd even learn all about Joonmyun from the beginning again, if that would be necessary.
Joonmyun turns around and Chanyeol looks down on the table instead. "We'll have to wait a bit," Joonmyun says, "would you like to watch a movie?"
Chanyeol nods, and they walk to the living room. Chanyeol sits down on the couch as Joonmyun chooses a random movie. It's comedy. Chanyeol is more for action or horror, but he doesn't say anything. Joonmyun sits down, and it seems too far from Chanyeol. He wants to move closer, but he can't. He wants Joonmyun right next to him, but he reminds himself of that he pushed Joonmyun away first.
"Have you ever read the ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy?" Joonmyun suddenly asks, and Chanyeol tears his eyes from the TV to look at him. His voice is soft, and his eyes are still on the movie, but he doesn't seem like he's watching it.
"No, I haven't," Chanyeol replies.
"I finished reading it just yesterday," Joonmyun tells, smiling a bit, and he finally turns to look back at Chanyeol. His eyes are bright, and he looks so handsome in the blue shirt. His hair is a mess, the red color fading already, and Chanyeol wants to run his hands through it. "And there is a quote there that I find very lovely. It reminds me of you, somehow."
Chanyeol raises his eyebrows, and dares to move a little bit closer. "How?" He shudders when Joonmyun reaches out to grab his hand. Their fingers are intertwined before Chanyeol knows it, and he wants Joonmyun closer. He tugs at Joonmyun's hand, and pulls him until he's right next to Chanyeol. He's never done anything so daring before, but it's okay this time. It'll be okay from now on.
They should probably check on the food, but Joonmyun leans his forehead against Chanyeol's, and Chanyeol lets himself inhale the honey scent, and Joonmyun. "I've read it so many times that I think I've memorized it," Joonmyun says, chuckling, and Chanyeol smiles. So typical of Joonmyun to do.
"Tell me," Chanyeol says, closing his eyes.
"'Being in love was like China," Joonmyun begins, voice in a whisper and Chanyeol breathes in the words, "you knew it was there, and no doubt it was interesting, and some people went there, but I never would. I'd spend all my life without ever going to China, but it wouldn't matter because there was all the rest of the world of visit'."
Chanyeol is frowning as he opens his eyes and stares right into Joonmyun's. "I don't really understand why you would think of me."
"The thing with you," Joonmyun whispers, and Chanyeol stops breathing for a second when he leans closer to press his lips against Chanyeol's forehead. Chanyeol lets himself close his eyes again when Joonmyun leaves light kisses down Chanyeol's cheeks as he continues, hand still holding Chanyeol's. "The thing with you is that you don't dare to go to China."
"I..." Chanyeol doesn't know what to say, and Joonmyun pulls away just enough to look at him.
Joonmyun smiles. "China isn’t far away now," he tells, breath hot against Chanyeol’s lips. He catches Chanyeol’s lower lip slowly and sucks gently. Chanyeol sighs, his voice trembling as he puts both his hands on Joonmyun's sides, drawing him closer. “Do you want me to take you there?”
And Joonmyun’s eyes are so honest, filled with hope and maybe Chanyeol is still hesitating - still afraid - because he doesn't answer right away although he knows what he wants, but it’s gone when Joonmyun yanks him by the collar to bring him down, crashing his lips against Chanyeol’s. This time it's not just lips pressing against each other, maybe a little bit too much tongue and teeth and Chanyeol isn't sure how long his heart will last before it races right out of his chest but he only wants Joonmyun closer.
“Yeah,” he breathes out with Joonmyun's lips still on his and when Joonmyun smiles, eyes disappearing and all that, Chanyeol lets him take the very last piece of his heart.
*
They don't ever hold hands when others are watching. But their legs still press against each other, and sometimes, they intertwine their fingers under the table while having dinner with everyone. But never when they're taking slow walks in the park, or when they're standing the queue to order food or bubble tea. Sometimes Chanyeol wants to reach out and wrap his arm around Joonmyun's waist to pull him closer, and sometimes he even wants to lick the corner of Joonmyun's lips that has crumbs on after eating a muffin, but he can't.
Chanyeol doesn't mind, though, because Joonmyun still presses his palm against Chanyeol's back as if to assure him that he's right there, and it's stolen kisses behind the bookshelves in the library while giggling ridiculously. And also, they always hold hands when no one is watching, anyway.
So it's fine.
Chanyeol decides he likes this more than anything else, how Joonmyun’s eyes are on him, or how Joonmyun’s special smile is only his to see, lips for only him to kiss. Their hands fit perfectly.
*
Joonmyun stops by the record store on Tuesday, with coffee and bagels for them. No one is here, so Chanyeol grabs Joonmyun by the wrist to pull him down for a quick peck on the lips, leaving Joonmyun flustered when he pulls away, cheeks coloring and eyes glaring at Chanyeol.
"Have you called Jinri?" Joonmyun asks, taking out one bagel for himself and one for Chanyeol. It's the end of September, which means Jinri is three months into her pregnancy.
"I did," Chanyeol says, hands searching for Joonmyun's. He takes a bite of his bagel. "She's very tired, we barely talked in two minutes before she complained and wanted to hang up."
Jinri are one of a few, which are the band, Jongin and Baekhyun, who knows about Chanyeol and Joonmyun. Joonmyun worries about her all the time, so much that it makes Chanyeol feel bad for not worrying as much.
"She should really take care of her health..." Joonmyun mumbles, and Chanyeol laughs, nudging him.
"She has my mom, don't worry so much. Eat your bagel."
Joonmyun rolls his eyes, but does as said. "Are you going to sleep at your apartment today?" Chanyeol smiles, and leans into Joonmyun who huffs and pretends that he can't sit properly because Chanyeol is so heavy.
"I forgot my boxers at your place last night," Chanyeol whispers, and he obviously didn't because he's wearing them right now, but he likes the way Joonmyun sputters and how his cheeks heats up. He gets a hit on the arm, but it's weak. He squeezes Joonmyun's hand and kisses him despite the protest. "How can I go home when my cute boyfriend looks so sad over the thought that I won't be sleeping next to him?"
"I actually hate you," Joonmyun mutters, cheeks red, as he continues to eat his bagel. Fall is really cold, and Chanyeol fears how much more cold Winter will be, but he moves closer to Joonmyun and thinks this is warm enough.
Deep feelings, Chanyeol thinks, is actually something he enjoys now. He plays with Joonmyun’s fingers as they talk about everything and nothing, and there is a nice feeling in his chest. He thinks flowers are really blooming there.
* part 6