I'll Be Peter Pan (and You Just Be Pretty) for feixing(3/3)

[chiharu]

Joonmyun's never really been the type to go out and party. It's not any particular anxiety about crowds or anything like that, it's just not really his scene. It doesn't help that he's a terrible dancer, too.

Still, there's something different about it, he thinks, when he's with EXO. It's only been a month since initiation, a week or two since Yifan had asked him to swipe the car, and now he feels like all the pieces have clicked into place. When Yixing drags him out on the dance floor, Lu Han joins them, and the smiles he throws Joonmyun's way are real and bright. It's nice enough that Joonmyun doesn't even mind that the way that Lu Han laughs, ugly and genuine, is because of his dancing.

He makes his way off the dance floor to find Zitao and Yifan standing at the bar. “Look at you,” Zitao says fondly, reeling him in with a hand on his waist.

“You're giving our dance machine a run for his money,” Yifan says dryly.

Joonmyun glances out to where Lu Han and Yixing are still dancing, and Jongdae has joined them. He's possibly the only person on the planet more rhythmically challenged than Joonmyun is. At least he seems to be having fun. “I think he's still got his crown,” he laughs.

He turns back to the bar and blinks when the bartender sets a drink down right in front of him. “Compliments of your new friend,” she says, and she gestures down to the end of the bar to where a guy sits. He's cute, in a boy-next-door kind of way, with a sweet smile, but he's got nothing on Zitao. He waves at Joonmyun, a bit hesitant. This isn't the first time that Joonmyun's been in this situation, and he can feel Zitao's eyes on him. Normally he would just refuse the drink. It seems unfair to give someone false hope. This time, though... he waves back, and even throws in a wink.

Zitao watches him steadily. “What?” Joonmyun asks. He shrugs. “A free drink is a free drink.” Yifan ducks his head and snorts and Zitao relaxes, hooking his fingers into Joonmyun's beltloops. When Joonmyun looks back at the kid, he's smiling into his drink, and he can see him flush from here. It sends this icy little rush down Joonmyun's spine, and he smirks. He's getting used to having this power.

He forgets about the guy for the rest of the night, instead getting caught up in helping talk Yifan into dancing. Still, he finds Joonmyun again as they're heading out the door to another club, settling a gentle hand on Joonmyun's elbow and asking for a minute. Joonmyun gives the kid a very slow, deliberate once-over, and then snorts, pulling his arm out of his grasp. The guy's face falls and something about that thrills Joonmyun, makes him grin as he speeds up to catch up with Zitao and laces their fingers together.

They're standing at the curb, waiting for their cars, when Lu Han wraps an arm around Joonmyun's shoulders. “You know,” he says. “I like the new you.” He pats the back of Joonmyun's neck and then Yixing pulls him away, shoving him into the waiting car.

The new you. Joonmyun blinks at that, stunned. “Hey, c'mon,” Zitao murmurs, and he brackets Joonmyun's hips with his hands, nudging him towards their car. “Are you okay?”

Joonmyun closes his eyes for a second and shakes his head briskly, like he's trying to knock something loose. “I'm fine,” he says. “A-okay.”

♛

Joonmyun finds dinner with his parents much easier to handle when they aren't too busy being concerned about his future to hold a decent conversation. They're so pleased with his new crowd of friends that for the first time in a while, when he leaves them at the restaurant, he's not upset and hurt. It's a nice change.

The day is nice, so Joonmyun takes his time getting home. He doesn't have any plans for the evening, and he wanders around, window-shopping and enjoying the day. He's about ready to head home when a hand closes around his elbow and stops him dead. “Kim Joonmyun?” the man asks. He's an older man, and well-dressed with a briefcase in hand. It takes Joonmyun a few seconds to place him. The night of his initiation celebration is a bit of a blur, but he vaguely remembers being introduced to a few lawyers at the beginning of the night. “I thought that was you.”

“Yang Jaesung,” Joonmyun says, and he bows deeply. “It's nice to see you again.”

“Likewise,” the man says, smiling. “And what a fortuitous meeting,” he adds. “Yifan tells me you study law, is that correct?”

“Yes?” Joonmyun replies, a bit hesitant. He doesn't want to get his hopes up, but if this meeting was lucky? That does sound like a good thing.

“Excellent.” Jaesung takes a few seconds to rummage in his pocket, eventually coming up with his wallet. He hands Joonmyun a card. “If you're looking for an internship, one of ours was just called back to Busan because of some family troubles. Yifan tells me you're a bright young man, I look forward to your call.”

They exchange pleasantries for a few more minutes, and then Jaesung bids him goodbye. Joonmyun finds himself standing in the middle of the sidewalk, card clutched in his hand, mind running a million miles an hour. When Yifan had told him that EXO would open doors for him, he'd never imagined it would be this fast. This is it. Everything he's worked so hard for, and now it's right here. He almost feels like laughing out loud.

He tucks the card back into his pocket and grins to himself. He can't wait to tell Zitao.

♠

A few weeks later, Joonmyun is gathering the last of his things up to bring to his new room in EXO when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door to find Kyungsoo standing there, hands tucked in his pockets. “Oh, wow, hey,” Joonmyun says, and he holds open the door and steps aside. “Come on in.”

Kyungsoo trails after him as he heads back into his room to finish packing things up. “You're lucky you caught me,” he says, tucking a book into a box. “I'm not gonna be here for too much longer.”

“So Chanyeol told me,” Kyungsoo says, a bit sharply, and Joonmyun pauses. He deserves that, he supposes. He's gotten a little caught up in things, and he doesn't remember the last time he really talked to Kyungsoo. Or Sehun, or anyone else for that matter. That realization surprises him. “You're moving into EXO House, huh.”

It's not really a question. Joonmyun sits down on his bed, fingers curled around a hardcover book. “Yeah,” he says. “It's just easier, you know?”

Kyungsoo snorts a little, but he nods. “I bet,” he says. He crosses his arms and leans back against Joonmyun's desk.

When he doesn't say anything, Joonmyun sighs. “It's been a while, huh?”

“I haven't seen you in over a month,” Kyungsoo says. “You must be pretty busy with things over there.” He shifts his weight a little, his eyes fixed on Joonmyun. “Especially since you begged out of doing summer tutoring this year.”

He should've known that Baekhyun would rat him out. “I've done it every summer, I just thought that maybe this year, I'd take a break for myself.” He smiles. “I have enough extracurriculars on my record, don't you think?”

“I guess you must,” Kyungsoo agrees. Joonmyun can tell by the set of his jaw that Kyungsoo is clenching his teeth, and the guilt hits him hard. He balls up his hands against his thighs.

“I'm sorry,” Joonmyun says, and the hard expression on Kyungsoo's face softens, at least a little. “I've been kind of a crappy friend lately. I'm sorry I got so caught up with things, everything is so...new.”

It's not much of an excuse, but Kyungsoo nods again anyway. “Shiny and new and handsome,” he says. “I get it.” He still doesn't look pleased, though, and Joonmyun doesn't blame him.

He rubs at the back of his head. “Look, I - ”

“You disappeared,” Kyungsoo says. Joonmyun can see Kyungsoo's throat work and he swallows down his protests. “You're talking about some ominous initiation and you flat out vanished, except for a handful of texts. You practically moved out, Chanyeol didn't even know what happened to you.” He shakes his head. “It was like some fucking cult just swallowed you up.”

“They're not a cult,” Joonmyun says, and Kyungsoo's mouth twists. “I promise. It's just - it's easy, to get swept up in things with them.”

“With Zitao?” Kyungsoo asks, and all Joonmyun can do is shrug and nod. Why come home to his empty apartment when he can wake up next to Zitao's sleepy smile? They're both silent for a long minute, and then Kyungsoo rubs a hand down his arm. “You're crazy about him, aren't you?”

“Head over heels,” Joonmyun admits, smiling weakly.

The tension stretches between them, and it's awkward and uncomfortable and damn near unbearable, but Kyungsoo takes pity on him. “Did he do that?” he asks, gesturing at Joonmyun's neck, and Joonmyun instinctively slaps his hand over the mark he knows is there. “You're turning red,” Kyungsoo says, smiling crookedly.

Joonmyun's ears are hot. “I am not,” he protests.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, and he raises an eyebrow.

Joonmyun waves him off, trying to will away his blush. “I owe you,” he says after a few seconds. “Big time.”

“You really do,” Kyungsoo agrees seriously.

Joonmyun jerks back into motion, puts the book in his lap in one of the boxes. “Coffee tomorrow?” he suggests.

“Coffee for the rest of your life, more like,” Kyungsoo says dryly, pointing a finger at Joonmyun. “Don't think I'm going to let you forget, either.”

“I won't,” Joonmyun says, sincerely enough that it makes Kyungsoo laugh. He really does mean it, though. Just because he's joined EXO doesn't mean he can't still have other friends too. Joonmyun draws an x over his heart. “Promise.”

“Good.”

Joonmyun allows a beat to pass, then holds up a couple of books. “Does this mean you'll help me pack?” he asks.

The look that Kyungsoo gives him is pure derision. “No,” he says. “Don't you have someone you can pay to do that?” When Joonmyun makes a face, Kyungsoo levers himself up again and comes to sit next to him. “But I'll watch.”

As Joonmyun folds a box shut, Kyungsoo nudges him in the side and smiles at him a little, and he thinks maybe they'll be okay.

♛

If someone had invited Joonmyun to this soiree a few months ago, he would have been even more out of place than at EXO's masquerade. Yifan's parents are throwing a soiree, some big charity thing where being seen is more important than the cause that everyone is supposedly supports, and he's surrounded by wealthy business people and their spouses, all in fancy dress.

He's also got Zitao and the rest of the society, though. “I thought we were wearing blue tonight?” Yifan asks, reaching out to tug at Joonmyun's bowtie. Unlike the rest of EXO, his is a dark, emerald green, matching the necktie that Zitao wears. “Did you miss the call?”

“No,” Zitao says serenely, coming up behind Joonmyun and pushing Yifan's hand away. “I wanted us to match.”

“I think you're missing the point,” Yifan frowns, and Yixing pats his elbow, looking amused.

“Easy, duizhang,” Jongdae says, shaking his head. “It's just a tie. I'm sure that people can figure out who we are easily enough.” Looking around for a second, his eyes alight on a nearby waiter. “Ugh, this guy again? I thought your father didn't tolerate incompetence, Yifan.” He raises a hand and snaps imperiously, barely even making eye contact with the man. “Champagne,” he says, and he gestures around the group. “For all of us. Quickly, please, before I die of boredom. I know you're fond of taking your time.”

The man doesn't even get a chance to respond. As soon as Jongdae finishes speaking, he waves the waiter away again. “Are we the only people in the room who aren't gainfully employed?” he asks, turning back to them.

Minseok knocks his elbow against Jongdae's ribs. “Excuse me,” he says, all mock-affront.

“You haven't started yet,” Jongdae says, wiggling his hand at Minseok. “Doesn't count.”

The two of them are still squabbling good-naturedly when the waiter returns with his tray of drinks. “Oh, good,” Jongdae sighs, not looking at the man. “You didn't take a year, it's a miracle. Hallelujah.” The drinks are handed out, and Jongdae doesn't let the waiter linger. “Thanks, we're done,” he says, fixing the man with a pointed stare.

The waiter clenches his teeth and tucks his tray under his arm. “You fucking rich kids,” he spits. “You think you can treat the rest of us like dirt.” If he's expecting to intimidate Jongdae, it's not working. Jongdae raises one of his eyebrows, crossing his arms and squaring his shoulders. Behind him, Yifan steps up, eyes narrowed, and Joonmyun could swear that the air turns cold. “I'm just doing my job,” the man says, and Joonmyun wonders how old he is. He looks young. “What gives you the right to speak to me like that? You rich fuck assholes disgust me.”

“Hey,” Joonmyun says. He holds up a hand. “C'mon. Relax.”

“Relax?” the waiter snaps. He grabs a handful of Jongdae's shirt and shakes him. “This jerk is the worst of them all. Always mouthy, and he never even looks at me. Like I'm a piece of the furniture.”

Jongdae slaps the man's hand down, sneering. “You've dirtied my nice shirt,” he says.

The man lets out a strangled noise. “I quit,” he says, and he drops his tray. It rattles noisily against the stone tile as he turns on his heel and pushes through the crowd to leave.

Yifan watches him go. “Joonmyun,” he says, and Joonmyun finds himself pivoting to face Yifan almost without his own volition. “I think that waiter needs to go for a little trip, don't you?” Yifan's eyes are almost entirely black. Joonmyun can't be imagining it.

“I'm sorry, what?” he asks, bewildered. The waiter is standing at the top of one of the main staircases, a phone pressed to his ear. Calling for a ride, Joonmyun assumes.

“A trip,” Jongdae says disdainfully. “A fall.” He gestures at the man and the staircase and Joonmyun goes cold.

“I don't understand,” Joonmyun protests, but he does, he understands far too well. Yifan's dark eyes are fixed on Joonmyun and his knees feel weak. They can't be asking him to do this. There's no way.

Yifan doesn't buy it. “No one speaks to one of ours like that,” he says, quietly, deadly. “We can't let this slide.”

“He's going to leave,” Lu Han says, and Joonmyun turns his gaze on him, eyes wide. “Better move quickly.” They're serious about this.

If Joonmyun had been scared when they'd asked him to steal the car, he's terrified now. “You've got to be joking,” he says, and Yifan narrows his eyes.

“Is that a no?” he asks, and Joonmyun can't bear the weight of his eyes anymore. “Are you telling me no?”

Joonmyun glances up at Zitao. He pleads with Joonmyun with his eyes, and he looks as scared as Joonmyun feels. “You're not, right?” he says, and something crumples in Joonmyun's chest. Zitao is afraid of Joonmyun backing out on EXO, not of what Yifan is asking him to do.

“I can't - ” he begins, and his voices dies in his throat. “I can't do this,” he says. He risks looking up at Yifan. “Please don't ask me to.”

“He's leaving,” Jongdae reminds them all, but Yifan doesn't move. He's staring at Joonmyun, and Joonmyun can almost physically feel the weight pressing down against his shoulders. It makes him crumple in on himself, shoulders hunching up. Zitao has shifted away, he's not even touching him anymore.

“One more chance,” Yifan says softly.

Joonmyun looks at the waiter, pocketing his phone and making moves to leave. How can Joonmyun hurt him? Jongdae had been a jerk, and the man had called him on it. Does that mean he deserves to fall down a flight of stairs? How can they ask him to do this? Weren't they friends? “I can't,” Joonmyun whispers again. “I just - I can't.”

Yifan regards him for one long second, and he shakes his head. “You will regret this, Kim Joonmyun,” he says. His fury and disdain is palpable and Joonmyun thinks he might choke on it. “I can promise you that.” He turns away, heads back into the crush of the party. One by one, they all turn their backs, abandoning him to the strangers of the party, until only Zitao is left.

“Zitao,” Joonmyun says, but Zitao won't look at him. He bites his lip and shakes his head and then finally, he slips away too.

He's lucky he doesn't spill his champagne with how his hand is shaking. Joonmyun has never felt so alone.

♠

He arrives home after all the rest of EXO does, but the house is so, so silent. He's intending to go straight back to his room, but without even noticing, he finds himself making his way to the library where he and Yifan had spoken before his initiation.

He's there again, sitting in the same chair. His tie hangs loose around his neck and he has the first few buttons of his shirt undone. He doesn't say anything to Joonmyun at first, just gestures at the other chair. Joonmyun doesn't think he could disobey if he tried.

“What part of not optional didn't you understand?” Yifan asks him quietly. Joonmyun is used to seeing Yifan completely made up, always impeccably dressed. Even in the mornings, no matter how early, when Joonmyun sees him, he's always entirely dressed, his hair done. Now though, this is something different. His hair is mussed, his shirt rumpled, and his eyes are so, so dark. There's something sinister about it.

“I know,” Joonmyun says, ducking his head. He swallows. “It's just - hurting someone?”

“And stealing a car is a crime that hurts no one?” Yifan raises one thick eyebrow. “What made that okay but not this?”

Joonmyun laughs, stunned. “You asked me to throw someone down a flight of stairs.”

“No,” Yifan says. “I told you to.” He tips his head. “And you refused. Do you understand the gravity of this?” He pushes on before Joonmyun can get a word in. “After all, you just got your internship. It would be a shame to lose it so soon.”

That sends ice down Joonmyun's spine. He's only told Zitao about the offer. There is no way that Yifan should know about this, unless Zitao spilled or - or Yifan organized it. “What are you saying?”

Yifan rolls his eyes. “Enough playing dumb,” he says coldly. “You know exactly what I'm saying.” He leans back in his chair and regards Joonmyun. “This is your one strike,” he says. “I wouldn't even be offering a second chance, but I am a generous man, and Zitao asked me to go easy on you.”

Somewhere, in the rush of panic in his head, Joonmyun finds the space to wonder how Yifan manages to sound simultaneously a bit ridiculous but entirely scary. “Thank you,” Joonmyun says, although part of him resents having to say it. Thanking Yifan for giving him a second chance after he refuses to send a stranger flying down a set of stairs? His life has become incredibly surreal.

Yifan nods. “Remember, Joonmyun,” he says, and in the dim light of the room, his teeth look impossibly sharp. “Nos unum sumus. EXO owns you.” At his words, Joonmyun feels a sharp jolt in his chest, like Yifan has reached in and tugged.

Standing abruptly, Yifan leaves Joonmyun to think this over. He's tired, but Joonmyun sits in that stiff chair until the sky starts to lighten, and he does his best not to think about what he's done.

♛

When Joonmyun emerges from his bedroom that afternoon, after a few fitful hours of sleep, he has to admit it - he admires the way that EXO can make themselves completely scarce. The size of the house can't hurt, of course, but it all just adds up to a meal alone in the large and empty kitchen.

He comes back up to his room and finds Zitao sitting on his bed. Zitao has never had any qualms about invading Joonmyun's space and making it his own, but right now he's all folded in on himself. He's got his knees tucked together and his hands pressed against them, face tight and worried. “Hey,” Joonmyun ventures.

“You can't do that,” Zitao says softly, immediately. “You can't just do that.” Joonmyun closes the door behind him and steps forward, and Zitao grabs his hand tightly. “Please.”

Joonmyun sighs. He's exhausted, and he knows he looks a mess right now, and Zitao looks like he's gotten just as little sleep as he has. “Zitao - ”

“No,” Zitao says. “You don't get it.” He bites his lip. “Didn't you feel it, during initiation? Why do you think we used blood?”

Joonmyun thinks of the way that Yifan had gripped his wrist and the electricty that had run down his spine as his blood hit the fire, and he swallows. “Wasn't it all for the drama?”

Zitao shakes his head. “We're not - money can't buy everything, Joonmyun. You know that there's no way that Yixing could have picked up dancing in two years. You've heard the way Jongdae sings, do you really believe he started vocal training last year?” He squeezes his fingers around Joonmyun's arm, tightly enough that it almost hurts.

“He's very talented,” Joonmyun says slowly.

Zitao closes his eyes, and when he looks up at Joonmyun again, his pupils are bright red. “It wasn't just for show,” he says, and Joonmyun stumbles back, out of his grip. “There are prices to be paid for the things that you want,” he says quietly, and Joonmyun lets out a horrified noise. It's not just lack of sleep, Zitao looks almost monstrous. His teeth are sharp, his eyes set deep in his face, and Joonmyun thinks his heart might hammer out of his chest. It only lasts for a second and then he's just sleepy Zitao again, soft eyes and an uncertain set to his mouth.

“What are you?” Joonmyun asks. Zitao reaches for him and Joonmyun holds himself out of his reach.

“I'm Zitao,” he says, and he sounds so small and hurt. Joonmyun crosses his arms tightly across his chest and tucks his hands under his arms, watching Zitao. “I'm still Zitao. It's just - ”

“Just what?” Joonmyun asks roughly. This feels like a dream, one of those ones that's too real, leaves you sweating and shaking when you jerk awake.

Zitao folds his legs up under himself. “They've been doing it for years,” he says. “Yifan's uncle gave him the book and it told him everything he had to do.” He toys with the hem of his pants, eyes fixed firmly on his hands. “All you have to do is give a little blood, and you can have everything.” He pauses, like he wants to continue, and then bites his lip.

“Zitao,” Joonmyun says. “What aren't you telling me?” He can feel the bite of his nails in his own arms, dread weighing heavy in his gut.

“It's not selling your soul,” Zitao says. “Not really.” His head hangs so low that Joonmyun can't even see his face through his bangs. “Just a little piece, and you can have your wish.” Joonmyun catches a flash of a tight, bitter smile on Zitao's lips. “The problem is, it's hard to stop wishing.”

Joonmyun backs up until his shoulders hit the door, and then he slides to the floor. His soul. His soul. It's so absurd he almost wants to laugh, but all that emerges from his throat is a choked off noise. What has he signed himself up for? His head snaps up and he stares at Zitao, the horror sinking in. Why didn't Zitao tell him? He fumbles with his words for a second, trying to figure out what he's trying to say, but in the end, he just shakes his head.

“You can't do that again,” Zitao says. “You're one of us now. You can't.” He sees the way that Joonmyun is staring at him, and he tucks his chin into his chest. “I just wanted you to have what you want,” Zitao murmurs. “You work so hard. I wanted to give it to you.”

Joonmyun scrubs at his eyes with the heels of his hands. Zitao has been a member for a year. How much of his soul has been chipped away? He thinks of Yifan and his cruelty and he wonders, suddenly, how much of Yifan is even left behind his hard eyes. “I think I'm going to go crash at Chanyeol's,” he says. He's unsteady when he climbs to his feet and starts gathering a few things to take with him.

“When will you be back?” Zitao asks carefully.

Joonmyun keeps his back to Zitao when he speaks. “I don't know,” he says. He folds his clothes with more force than it's ever needed, hands nearly trembling.

He jerks when he feels Zitao's hands on his hips, feather-light and hesitant. “I'm sorry,” Zitao says, and he presses his lips to the back of Joonmyun's neck for a second. It's funny, how torn Joonmyun can be with one little gesture. He's a hairsbreadth away from leaning into Zitao's touch and letting all of this go, but he knows he can't. “Leaving the house doesn't mean you leave EXO,” Zitao adds, and that pushes Joonmyun into motion.

He pulls away from Zitao and zips up his bag. “I have to go,” he says. He doesn't look at him as he leaves, he can't. Throwing his bag over his shoulder, he makes his way through the big, empty house one last time, and once he's out at the curb he makes a call. “Hey, Chanyeol? Are you busy?”

His throat is tight as he hails a cab, and he stares out the window the whole drive, not seeing a thing. This is one dream he needs to wake up from.

♠

Joonmyun is shaken from his stupor by the slam of Chanyeol's front door. Before he gets a chance to turn around, there's a paper cup being held under his nose. “Tea,” Kyungsoo says briskly. “I've got dinner, too, but I think that can wait.”

His shoulders complain as he sits up. After a night like he's had, even napping on the couch leaves him stiff and sore. “Thanks,” he says, and Kyungsoo nods, taking a seat next to him. Chanyeol hovers behind him, obviously curious but thankfully, not enough to pry. He leans over the back of the couch, resting his long arms on either side of Kyungsoo's head and hooking his chin on his shoulder.

Kyungsoo gently nudges him away. “How are you feeling?” he asks. It takes Chanyeol a few seconds to get the hint, even with Kyungsoo pushing insistently at his face, but he straightens eventually and disappears into his room. He spares one last concerned look at Joonmyun, but Joonmyun waves him off.

“I've been better,” Joonmyun admits. He rolls his shoulders and winces, trying to work out the knots with one hand. “It's been a long day.”

“Looks like it,” Kyungsoo agrees. “Do you want to talk about it?” He snorts. “Can you?”

Joonmyun shoots him a look, and there must be something in it that tells Kyungsoo how serious it is, because the mirth slides right off his face. “It's complicated,” Joonmyun says, and he clings to his tea like it's a lifeline. He likes the warmth of it in his hands.

“That's alright,” Kyungsoo says. “I'm an electrical engineer. Complicated is kind of what I do.” His tone is light and he smiles a little, reassuringly, and Joonmyun is flooded with affection for him. Even after all of this, Kyungsoo is still here. Joonmyun isn't really sure that he deserves that.

Joonmyun runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath. Where to start? Quietly, so that Chanyeol doesn't overhear, Joonmyun tells Kyungsoo what's happened to him since EXO turned their eyes on him. He leaves out a few things, like what Zitao had told him earlier, and the way he'd seen Yifan's eyes darken, his teeth get sharp. He's not sure that Kyungsoo would even believe him, anyway.

Kyungsoo is silent for a long time after Joonmyun is done, looking thoughtful. “You stole a car,” he says finally.

“They got it back,” Joonmyun says, exasperated, because they had, he'd made sure of it. And that's not the point. There's so much more going on right now.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says, holding up a hand. “They got it back.” It startles Joonmyun to realize that Kyungsoo looks a bit sad. “But they still talked you into it.”

Joonmyun thinks carefully before he speaks. “They...have something on me. Something very, very important.” His soul. Joonmyun doesn't want to believe it, but it's hard not to, when the proof is right there in front of you and when you feel it, too. He thinks about Lu Han, hand heavy on his shoulder, talking about 'the new Joonmyun', and he nearly crumples his coffee cup in his hands. “They got me an internship, too.”

“Is it worth it?” Kyungsoo asks. He leans forward, elbows on his knees.

Joonmyun forces a smile. “See?” he says. “I promised you would be the first one to get to say I told you so.”

“Joonmyun.” Kyungsoo has never been big on physical affection, so it startles Joonmyun when he rests a hand on Joonmyun's shoulder. “That can wait for when you don't look like something that just crawled out from under my couch.”

The laugh that Joonmyun lets out is genuine, if a little bit strangled. “I don't know what to do,” he says, and his hurt hits him like a freight train. It's scary as hell, but he can't help thinking of Zitao and how he didn't even think twice about letting Joonmyun go into EXO blind. Was he that far gone?

“You have to weigh it,” Kyungsoo says. “I know they've got something...big, important, whatever, but the things they're asking you to do...” He shakes his head and rubs his hand down Joonmyun's arm. “Well.”

Joonmyun gets it. He knows what Kyungsoo is saying. He just doesn't think it's that easy, really. How do you walk away from something like EXO when you have literally signed away your soul? He stares down at his hands and exhales in one big gust. He knows that if he goes back, he will be asked to do things he doesn't want to do, and there is no way to escape that.

Standing up, Kyungsoo gives his shoulder a squeeze and then heads into the kitchen to warm up the dinner he'd brought over, and Joonmyun buries his face in his hands. “Nos unum sumus,” he murmurs. “For life.” It feels even heavier now.

♛

Camping out on Chanyeol's couch gives Joonmyun a lot of time to think. He spends his time in his old haunts, wandering around a half-empty campus and drinking too much coffee. He's never been particularly anonymous on campus, he's always done his best to involve himself in things, but it's so nice to be back in a space where he knows the people who know him.

Running away won't solve anything, he knows it. He's gotten a half dozen texts from Zitao, just like he used to, pictures of a puppy he saw on the street and idle complaints about how bored he is, eating alone. They make Joonmyun's heart clench, make him wonder if Zitao has any idea how to live without his phone in his hand. There's silence on the part of the rest of the members, and Joonmyun can read it easily enough. They don't need him. They don't need an initiate who won't play by the rules.

He's been gone from EXO House for three days when he grabs a coffee and finds himself a bench at a park a few blocks from Chanyeol's place. Kyungsoo has his internship and Chanyeol's been working at a record store, so Joonmyun has his days to himself. It gives him time to think, at least.

Too much time. No matter how many times Joonmyun turns it over in his head, he just keeps coming back to the same impasse. He wants out, that much is certain. He just doesn't see how. He twists his thick silver ring between his fingers as he thinks, the metal warm against his skin. He'd known that joining EXO was for life back when he'd started, and that was before he'd known that he'd be handing over his soul, just a little bit at a time. The thought still made his mouth dry and his skin crawl and sometimes he thinks he can physically feel it, this hollow little ache behind his ribs. How much? How much has he lost?

How much has Zitao lost, for that matter? Sometimes, he thinks that that hurts the worst. After Yifan had told him that they'd had their eye on him, he'd had his doubts, but now, now it's worse. He wants to believe so badly that what he and Zitao have is real, but it's so hard to know. Not when Zitao's soul has been chipped away and Yifan has been behind so many things lately. Joonmyun thinks about Zitao, his eyes soft and hurt, and it's impossible to know what's truth and what's a ploy.

That's part of why he wants to leave. It's so hard to even think about Zitao now, how can he return to EXO, return to the uncertainty and the tension? Especially when he knows that it's only a matter of time before Yifan asks him to do something else, something that he can't do. This is not what he wants.

But giving up EXO means giving up so much. His internship, for one, there's no doubt about that. He doesn't mind so much losing the little perks, he can do without those fancy restaurants and cutting the line if it means that no more eyes are on him. He'd have to give up the friendship he's built with all the members of the society, and that hurts a bit. He thinks about Jongdae and Yixing, how friendly they've always been to him, and that one twinges.

The worst is, of course, Zitao. For a second, he fantasizes about taking Zitao with him. Could he even do that? There has to be some Zitao left in there. There's no reason he would've begged Yifan to give him another chance otherwise, no reason he would've told Joonmyun the whole story. There's hope, there's got to be.

He has to try. There is so much that Joonmyun stands to lose, but isn't it worse, staying with EXO? He would have to compromise everything he stands for and watch as they stole his soul in little, bite-sized chunks. He can't do that. He won't.

A vibration in his pocket pulls Joonmyun out of his head and he stands, throwing out his now-cold coffee and checking his phone. There's a message from Zitao that he can't bear to check, and another from Kyungsoo. are you going to be home for dinner?

He looks out thoughtfully at the empty park and drags his feet as he makes his way back to Chanyeol's. One last night. Then he can make his decision.

♠

It's strange, being back in EXO House after a week of being away. He'd gotten used to the dark walls and furniture, the creaky floors, but it's like the break has made it all strange again. There's something ominous about everything now, and it doesn't make this any easier.

He doesn't take any extra time to pack up his things. He makes sure he's got the essentials, the important things he would miss, before he goes looking for Zitao. He's under no illusions that EXO will be gracious about this.

Joonmyun was hoping to find Zitao alone, but no such luck. All of EXO is gathered in the living room, like a meeting had been called and Joonmyun is the last to arrive. Yifan stands in the middle of them all, drawn up to his full height, and there is no doubt now. His eyes are entirely black now, the angles of his face sharp and startling. Next to him, Jongdae shifts, smiles a little, showing off a mouthful of pointed teeth. Only Zitao still looks the way he did when Joonmyun met him, but his eyes are everywhere but on Joonmyun.

“When I gave you a second chance, it was out of the good of my heart,” Yifan says, voice all jagged edges. “It was not so that you could take a break to think about it.”

It takes every bit of Joonmyun's willpower to square his shoulders and speak. “I can't do this,” he says. “You didn't tell me everything when I joined. You never told me about the real cost.”

Yifan shrugs. “Does it matter?” he asks. “Nothing comes for free.”

“I'm leaving,” Joonmyun says. Yifan's expression darkens, and Zitao flinches where he sits at Yifan's side. “Zitao?”

Zitao looks up at him, his mouth working. “What?” he asks finally.

“Will you come with me?” Joonmyun hates the edge of desperation to his question, and he hates more the look of panic he sees on Zitao's face. He remembers what Zitao had told him. No matter what they might have done, EXO are his brothers. He hates that he's making Zitao choose, him or them, but he needs Zitao to know - this isn't about him.

“I - ” Zitao hesitates, looking from Joonmyun to the other members, and finally to Yifan. His face is impassive as he stares down at Zitao, but something about his gaze makes Zitao shrink. “Joonmyun.”

“Please.” He never thought he'd have to beg, but here he is. Zitao is shaking his head, and he looks like he might cry.

Yifan settles one big hand on Zitao's shoulder, and Joonmyun knows that it's done. “I can't,” Zitao says miserably, and Joonmyun hates the way that Yifan smiles then, awful and smug.

“You know what you're choosing, if you walk away, don't you?” Yifan asks. “That dream of yours is dead. There isn't a firm in the world that will take you now, I can promise you that. You'll lucky to get a job at all.” The way that he laughs is ugly and harsh. “You're lucky you're even alive. But, as you know, I'm a generous man.” He looks again at Zitao, and for a second, Joonmyun is grateful. If what Zitao felt for him wasn't real, there was no way he'd even be walking out of this house today. He just wishes it didn't have to end like this.

He knows that arguing with Yifan right now is only going to end poorly, especially with the way the rest of them are watching him. There's something inhuman in their eyes, a kind of idle watchfulness and curiosity. There isn't much of them left anymore. “I know,” Joonmyun says, and it only takes him a second to pull his heavy silver ring off his finger and drop it into Yifan's palm. He hoists his bag up on his shoulder and fixes his eyes on Zitao. “I'm sorry,” he says, and he is. He wishes there were some way to salvage this, but he knows now that Zitao would never choose anyone over EXO. And that cuts him to the quick.

“Me too,” Zitao says. Yifan's hand holds him still, and Joonmyun swallows the lump in his throat and slips out the door.

He waits until he's made it all the way back to Chanyeol's before he cries. He locks himself in the bathroom and presses his sleeve to his mouth and does his best to choke it back. When the summer had started, he'd had everything, but now it's all gone. He's got no internship, no place to live, and no Zitao. His chest aches and aches and he doesn't know what to do.

He's got no idea how long he stays there, staring blankly at the wall, his eyes sore and his head pounding. Eventually, Chanyeol jimmies the door lock open and comes in. He holds out a water glass and eyes Joonmyun carefully. “Hyung?” he asks. “Do you want your old room back?”

Joonmyun buries his face in his knees and lets Chanyeol do his awkward best to comfort him, patting too hard at the back of his neck. He doesn't want this to be real.

♛

It doesn't really get easier. It's comfortable, living with Chanyeol again, even if he leaves his dirty socks everywhere, and Kyungsoo checks in on him all the time, but Joonmyun notices it in little things.

He calls Jaesung about the job he'd offered, and as Joonmyun had expected, the man acts like he's never even heard of him. Every follow-up phone call he makes is met with polite but firm rejection, and it's really all the confirmation that Joonmyun needs to know that Yifan's threats had not been empty. Even law professors who had previously been friendly to him are now cold and distant, and Joonmyun wonders what he's going to do with a law degree now.

Luckily, Baekhyun can still use a tutor, so he's at least keeping busy. He spends his days in the quiet of the school library, teaching freshmen the history that they'd missed during the school year or listening to Baekhyun gossip over lunch. He's sympathetic, at least. “Yifan's a prick,” Baekhyun says knowingly, his feet kicked up on the one of the tables buried deep in the stacks. “Did you know how we broke up? He just dropped me one day, like, out of the blue. Said he was bored.” He shrugs. “Whatever. His loss.” He rubs a hand down Joonmyun's arm. “Zitao's, too.”

Joonmyun just smiles tightly. The last thing he wants to talk about right now is Zitao. The last thing he wants to talk about ever is Zitao. Just the mention of his name sets off an ache in his chest and makes it hard to think. He doesn't think that will ever stop.

Kyungsoo is always there too, and Joonmyun has never been more grateful. He's not a particularly demonstrative friend, nor is he good with the feelings side of things, but Kyungsoo knows when Joonmyun needs to lean on someone and watch some sappy movies, and it helps.

But Joonmyun's phone stays silent, and that hurts. He'd checked, once, called Zitao in a drunken moment of weakness. The recording had politely informed him that this number was out of service and Joonmyun nearly threw his phone at a wall. There's something so final about it, and it makes Joonmyun's head throb.

When school comes back, it eases up, at least a little. Joonmyun can bury himself in his studying, devote himself to his schoolwork and his duties for the student council, and it doesn't bother him so much. He lets his friends drag him out to drink, and it's nice to get loose and lose himself in the crowd. No one recognizes him and no one buys him a drink, and Joonmyun's never been so happy about that.

“Hey, you know what's weird?” Sehun says one day at lunch. “I was talking to Daeun, she says that nobody's seen those rich kids you used to hang out with in like, months. They just up and disappeared.”

Joonmyun digs his teeth into his bottom lip and bends over his food. Disappeared. He doesn't want to think about what that means, about what that means for Zitao. “Like, missing persons and stuff?” Chanyeol asked, looking interested.

Sehun shakes his head. “Their parents don't seem to think they're missing? I don't know, maybe they all went abroad or something.” He nudges Joonmyun in the ribs. “Guess you missed out, huh?”

Joonmyun manages to choke out a laugh. “Guess I did,” he says.

That night, he tries Zitao's number again, just to be sure. He listens to the woman's voice again and closes his eyes, trying to steady his breath. This feels like a loss all over again.

♠

“Jongin,” Joonmyun wheedles, arm firm around Jongin's back. “Jongin, come on. I think you're about ready for bed.”

Jongin's head lolls on his shoulders, eyes half-lidded. “Hyung,” he says, and Joonmyun shakes his head. It's Jongin's birthday and he's stuck on babysitting duty, doing his best to keep him upright and not throwing up on himself. So far, he's doing pretty good. “This has been a very good birthday.”

“I'm glad to hear it,” Joonmyun says, amused, and he smiles.

“You're smiling!” Jongin exclaims, and he pats a sweaty palm against Joonmyun's face. “That's good. You don't smile enough anymore, hyung, you need to smile more.”

The cab pulls up, and Joonmyun manages to steer Jongin and prop him up long enough to open the door. “I'll keep that in mind,” he says.

Jongin is an easy drunk, pliant and sweet, and it doesn't take Joonmyun long to fold him up into the backseat of the car. He looks up before he climbs in after Jongin, and his heart stops. Across the street, in a shadowed doorway, he can see a very familiar figure. It's too far away, and it's too dark, but Joonmyun knows it's Zitao. He knows it.

He's not alone. In the shadows around him, Joonmyun can make out the forms of the rest of EXO, their outlines blurring into the shadows of the street. After a second, they fade away, just leaving Zitao and his eyes, glowing red in the dark.

“Joonmyun hyung,” Jongin slurs from the backseat, tugging at his pants. The shadowed figure raises a hand, and Joonmyun waves back, trying to fight back the pang in his chest as he too, melts into the dark of the street. “Hyung. I wanna go home.”

“I'm coming,” Joonmyun says, and he slides in next to Jongin. Jongin topples over to lean on him, soju breath hot and sticky on Joonmyun's throat. “Let's get you home.”

He turns around as the cab drives away, and he could swear he sees a pair of red eyes watching him go. Joonmyun swallows hard and clenches his jaw, listening to Jongin breathe and the hum of the engine, and for a second, he smiles.