(no subject)
Welp. My sister's engaged.
...Are normal people happy about this sort of thing? Because honestly it just kinda fills me with a sense of impending dread. Presumably I'll have to be a bridesmaid and be involved in other wedding stuff, which means being forced way out of my comfort zone. I do not deal well with weddings. I do not deal well with occasions where I'm expected to feel certain emotions and I just...don't. There is a big, blank, empty space in my head where most people have an instruction manual on How To React Appropriately In Social Gatherings. And I'm really, really tired of feeling like an alien, watching the people around me feel and interact while I flounder and struggle to imitate and fail to understand how it all just comes so naturally to them! It's like I was born with the wrong set of emotions, like the wires between everything around me and what I'm supposed to feel about them are hopelessly tangled.
I should care that my sister's engaged! Other people would care! Other people would be happy, and they wouldn't have to think about it, it wouldn't even occur to them to think about it!
I know, deep down, that I am not okay. I think I've always known, even when I was little. And I know it's long past time to face my issues and acknowledge them. But knowing and doing are two very different things. And working up the courage--again--to bring it all out into the open, to tell someone, well, it's really fucking hard. When I'm curled up in bed and I don't have to face the world and nothing can hurt me, I can't even fathom changing the status quo.
I know that my lack of people skills goes beyond social anxiety. I know that there is an actual, tangible difference in the way my brain functions. Be it autism or not, something is wrong.
I know I'm depressed. As in actual, clinical depression. I'm always tired. We're talking bone-deep, debilitating fatigue. On my days off, I spend the majority of my time in bed--but at night, I've got insomnia. I cannot make myself do anything. I've lost interest in things I used to love. When I do find something that interests me, I obsess over it to the virtual exclusion of everything else. I've always got random aches and pains. When I try to think about my future, all I can feel is dread.
Yesterday I was actually shocked to learn that I haven't been taking enough medication--I'm supposed to be taking 1 1/2 pills a day, and I've only been taking one. Hopefully upping my meds to the correct dosage will help. I need for it to help.
...Are normal people happy about this sort of thing? Because honestly it just kinda fills me with a sense of impending dread. Presumably I'll have to be a bridesmaid and be involved in other wedding stuff, which means being forced way out of my comfort zone. I do not deal well with weddings. I do not deal well with occasions where I'm expected to feel certain emotions and I just...don't. There is a big, blank, empty space in my head where most people have an instruction manual on How To React Appropriately In Social Gatherings. And I'm really, really tired of feeling like an alien, watching the people around me feel and interact while I flounder and struggle to imitate and fail to understand how it all just comes so naturally to them! It's like I was born with the wrong set of emotions, like the wires between everything around me and what I'm supposed to feel about them are hopelessly tangled.
I should care that my sister's engaged! Other people would care! Other people would be happy, and they wouldn't have to think about it, it wouldn't even occur to them to think about it!
I know, deep down, that I am not okay. I think I've always known, even when I was little. And I know it's long past time to face my issues and acknowledge them. But knowing and doing are two very different things. And working up the courage--again--to bring it all out into the open, to tell someone, well, it's really fucking hard. When I'm curled up in bed and I don't have to face the world and nothing can hurt me, I can't even fathom changing the status quo.
I know that my lack of people skills goes beyond social anxiety. I know that there is an actual, tangible difference in the way my brain functions. Be it autism or not, something is wrong.
I know I'm depressed. As in actual, clinical depression. I'm always tired. We're talking bone-deep, debilitating fatigue. On my days off, I spend the majority of my time in bed--but at night, I've got insomnia. I cannot make myself do anything. I've lost interest in things I used to love. When I do find something that interests me, I obsess over it to the virtual exclusion of everything else. I've always got random aches and pains. When I try to think about my future, all I can feel is dread.
Yesterday I was actually shocked to learn that I haven't been taking enough medication--I'm supposed to be taking 1 1/2 pills a day, and I've only been taking one. Hopefully upping my meds to the correct dosage will help. I need for it to help.