"it's love make it hurt" ??
An excerpt:: ""Dear God, I pray now more than ever for you to lend me the strength to understand and respect Jason's decisions. Please grant me your understanding. Please please help me to be strong. I need you Lord. Our relationship needs You. Please open my ears and my eyes to see Your plan, God, or at least to accept it. Maybe I'm clinging to something that has been over for a long time now. I miss the boy I fell in love with. I know that he's still there. College does change people. If Jase and I are not supposed to be together anymore, if it is time for us to move on, please give me a moment of clarity to realize this. I don't feel at peace with any decision yet, Lord, I'm waiting for You. I want to say things are going to turn out ok-- ok being the way I want them to but Lord, You know Your plans for us. I pray for the ability to hear You and to appreciate the blessing You have already given me. I know I'm selfish for wanting to stay with Jase. I know that. You have blessed me so incredibly by allowing me to know him, to have him as a friend and as a boyfriend. Thank You so much for this boy with so much potential and so many blessings. He makes me want to be a better person, in a way he has helped me to be closer to You. Lord, in Your divine wisdom, You know what You're doing. I don't question that. I wish I could see the 'big picture'. Thank You for this gift of love and someone so supportive and caring and understanding to share it with.""
WOW. This was in my last journal entry. Looking at a clear record of what I've prayed and looking at the events and conversations I've had this weekend is bizarre. "Our relationship needs you"-- heck yeah it does. We should have a love triangle. God at the top and Jase and I on the sides. In order for Jason's and my relationship to be strong, our relationship with God FIRST needs to be strong. If one side is strong than the other, then the remaining sides have to compensate for it. Why have I been praying for so much strength? Why have I felt so weak? Because I've been exhausting myself trying to be in this relationship. "Please open my ears and my eyes to see Your plan, or at least to accept it." Whoa. Let's back up a second here. Typically I'm a tough girl, I can make it fine on my own, I have expectations of myself and incidentally of others. I had standards. It used to be something like I'd never date a guy who lied to me, cheated on me, doesn't listen to me, is disrespectful, who doesn't stand up for what he believes in or me, and who isn't strong in their relationship with God. Each time God has shown me one of these characteristics I've brushed it off, made excuses, allowed it and justified it. At one point I put my foot down and I said, "Ok, one more thing and I'm done." That night Jase told me he'd lied to me since the beginning. I ignored myself and forgave him, too scared to lose him. Tonight I'm talking with a friend and I say "God should be the center of a relationship, I really think Jase has changed and he's on the right track with God now... I couldn't be with someone who wasn't strong in their faith..." We all stray once in awhile but tonight, hearing Jase admit that he's been neglecting his relationship with God, having him ASK me, "Is that important to you?" Hearing myself coward self saying "Kinda." I'm no saint, but especially with all this stuff with Jase, I've been praying about it and being closer to God. While every day, several times a day I was praying about us, praying for him it never crossed my mind that he wasn't doing the same thing. Plus how can he possibly ask me that when the reason we broke up in September was because I wanted us to be closer to God and stronger with Him and then also for each other. Actions speak louder than words right? By his actions recently it reflected that he was away from God, by my lack of action, when we talked about this, it shows that I have no self-respect. I will make an excuse, a "what-if", I'll continue to interpret these ironies in a way that supports what I want. What I WANT is to wait it out, give Jase time to "improve" his relationship with God not for the sake of 'us' but for his sake. I want to just let everything settle. I want to stay with him. Honestly, I started crying last night at the thought of being without him. I need him. I want to continue to encourage and uplift Jase. I want to believe that my purpose in this relationship is to be a light for God. I want to be there for him and just have things be OK again. There are times when I wonder what if all of religion is a joke? What if the end of the world comes, there is no God and we've wasted how many hours, how many days and weeks of our lives praying for nothing? Except it wouldn't be for nothing- we held out and survived because we had faith in the impossible and HOPE. Maybe that's the big lesson here- hope. How did survivors of the Holocaust make it-- hope. I wonder if what meets the eye is all there really is. In the book I'm reading right now "White Oleander" by Janet Finch there's a line:
"And I thought, there was no God, there was only what you wanted."
People think I'm so strong in my faith. I try really hard and believe in the words I say but there's always room for radical thought or contemplation. (Kinda off-topic but still, it's interesting to think about.) Well, I know what I WANT. I love him far too much, so much that if God is telling me to let go, I can't do it.
::edit::
Also, in that original prayer I mentioned being selfish.. yea. I'm most definitely selfish. And Jason does have so much potential, I am blessed to have any time with him. He is an amazing boy and deserves the best. I'm not the best, but SELFISHLY I want him anyway. I don't know what to think right now. I love him. Goodnight
::edit again::
I wrote all that in my xanga. As long as I completely IGNORE this issue, Jase and I are fine. I miss him already, we're so shaky right now. I want to hold him close and just wait it out. I want to pretend that everything is going to be OK. It's hard to tell most anything right now.
WOW. This was in my last journal entry. Looking at a clear record of what I've prayed and looking at the events and conversations I've had this weekend is bizarre. "Our relationship needs you"-- heck yeah it does. We should have a love triangle. God at the top and Jase and I on the sides. In order for Jason's and my relationship to be strong, our relationship with God FIRST needs to be strong. If one side is strong than the other, then the remaining sides have to compensate for it. Why have I been praying for so much strength? Why have I felt so weak? Because I've been exhausting myself trying to be in this relationship. "Please open my ears and my eyes to see Your plan, or at least to accept it." Whoa. Let's back up a second here. Typically I'm a tough girl, I can make it fine on my own, I have expectations of myself and incidentally of others. I had standards. It used to be something like I'd never date a guy who lied to me, cheated on me, doesn't listen to me, is disrespectful, who doesn't stand up for what he believes in or me, and who isn't strong in their relationship with God. Each time God has shown me one of these characteristics I've brushed it off, made excuses, allowed it and justified it. At one point I put my foot down and I said, "Ok, one more thing and I'm done." That night Jase told me he'd lied to me since the beginning. I ignored myself and forgave him, too scared to lose him. Tonight I'm talking with a friend and I say "God should be the center of a relationship, I really think Jase has changed and he's on the right track with God now... I couldn't be with someone who wasn't strong in their faith..." We all stray once in awhile but tonight, hearing Jase admit that he's been neglecting his relationship with God, having him ASK me, "Is that important to you?" Hearing myself coward self saying "Kinda." I'm no saint, but especially with all this stuff with Jase, I've been praying about it and being closer to God. While every day, several times a day I was praying about us, praying for him it never crossed my mind that he wasn't doing the same thing. Plus how can he possibly ask me that when the reason we broke up in September was because I wanted us to be closer to God and stronger with Him and then also for each other. Actions speak louder than words right? By his actions recently it reflected that he was away from God, by my lack of action, when we talked about this, it shows that I have no self-respect. I will make an excuse, a "what-if", I'll continue to interpret these ironies in a way that supports what I want. What I WANT is to wait it out, give Jase time to "improve" his relationship with God not for the sake of 'us' but for his sake. I want to just let everything settle. I want to stay with him. Honestly, I started crying last night at the thought of being without him. I need him. I want to continue to encourage and uplift Jase. I want to believe that my purpose in this relationship is to be a light for God. I want to be there for him and just have things be OK again. There are times when I wonder what if all of religion is a joke? What if the end of the world comes, there is no God and we've wasted how many hours, how many days and weeks of our lives praying for nothing? Except it wouldn't be for nothing- we held out and survived because we had faith in the impossible and HOPE. Maybe that's the big lesson here- hope. How did survivors of the Holocaust make it-- hope. I wonder if what meets the eye is all there really is. In the book I'm reading right now "White Oleander" by Janet Finch there's a line:
"And I thought, there was no God, there was only what you wanted."
People think I'm so strong in my faith. I try really hard and believe in the words I say but there's always room for radical thought or contemplation. (Kinda off-topic but still, it's interesting to think about.) Well, I know what I WANT. I love him far too much, so much that if God is telling me to let go, I can't do it.
::edit::
Also, in that original prayer I mentioned being selfish.. yea. I'm most definitely selfish. And Jason does have so much potential, I am blessed to have any time with him. He is an amazing boy and deserves the best. I'm not the best, but SELFISHLY I want him anyway. I don't know what to think right now. I love him. Goodnight
::edit again::
I wrote all that in my xanga. As long as I completely IGNORE this issue, Jase and I are fine. I miss him already, we're so shaky right now. I want to hold him close and just wait it out. I want to pretend that everything is going to be OK. It's hard to tell most anything right now.