I think it has less to do with me being a girl and a lot more to do with confusion and sadness
And so I'm back to wondering if they factor the butter on the side of the bag into the calorie count of low fat popcorn.
On Saturday morning someone made a comment about my appearance and compared me to Laura, who no one should have to be compared to because I think she was made in a factory by God and my parents.
My brain exploded. I already think about my weight every second of every day, so now this comment is in my head too.
I didn't really have a ton of fun at Acen, but it was still a nice weekend away- but more like a weekend into an entirely different set of issues I have that relates to no one liking me. I don't even like me.
It's like I want to say to Chris "A lot of the reason why we won't work has to do with me hating myself. I don't like myself." but it would sound crazy and self-centered. But an LJ is the perfect place to be crazy and self-centered.
I figure that I can keep this confident and carefree visage going for a bit longer. I seem to really put it on, like today. Stuart said "I don't think I've ever seen you stressed out. You always seem to have things under control."
So I can keep lying to everyone as long as I become the mask and my lie becomes the truth. It's not fair for my insanity to come out in bursts to the people who actually care about me. It's neither healthy nor fair to them.
If I'm still this fat next year, I don't think there's much point in continuing.
Maybe I'll give myself a year. If I'm not happy when I'm skinny then I never will be.
On Saturday morning someone made a comment about my appearance and compared me to Laura, who no one should have to be compared to because I think she was made in a factory by God and my parents.
My brain exploded. I already think about my weight every second of every day, so now this comment is in my head too.
I didn't really have a ton of fun at Acen, but it was still a nice weekend away- but more like a weekend into an entirely different set of issues I have that relates to no one liking me. I don't even like me.
It's like I want to say to Chris "A lot of the reason why we won't work has to do with me hating myself. I don't like myself." but it would sound crazy and self-centered. But an LJ is the perfect place to be crazy and self-centered.
I figure that I can keep this confident and carefree visage going for a bit longer. I seem to really put it on, like today. Stuart said "I don't think I've ever seen you stressed out. You always seem to have things under control."
So I can keep lying to everyone as long as I become the mask and my lie becomes the truth. It's not fair for my insanity to come out in bursts to the people who actually care about me. It's neither healthy nor fair to them.
If I'm still this fat next year, I don't think there's much point in continuing.
Maybe I'll give myself a year. If I'm not happy when I'm skinny then I never will be.