Damned if I Do and Damned If I Don't...
im having one of those lives again. you know the ones where you don't know up from down or left from right. its like that for me, i cant figure out what to do. either way i think i lose. sure something may seem right for me at the time, but what about the future? what if what i do now jacks up my future so badly that i cant ever get back that loving feeling? i lose no matter what road i travel down. life isnt always going to be easy i know that i've known that for awhile but damnit i wish it could cut me a break this one time. i want to be able to push the easy button in life and everything be okay but i know it wont happen atleast not in my lifetime. if i could just push the easy button then everyone could get what they wanted and so could i. 17 year olds wouldnt be able to win the lottery, natural disaters would bring candy not destruction, gas would be affordable, and i could be happy.
im not happy. as much as i try to be im not happy. i look at all the things i have in life and i should be more than happy. i should be, but im not. how selfish is that? how ungrateful can one person be? i never thought in life i was this type of person, never dreamnt i could even fake like i was but here i sit being exactly who i dont want to be. i wanna run away and i want to be alone. to go where no one knows who i am and what i am or what i can do. but i know the moment i do i'll want to be back here with the people i know i will miss. i want to be a hard ass and not let anyone get to know me. i dont want to be naive or vulnerable anymore. i dont want to wear my heart on my sleeve. i want to be one of those people who can walk and not get walked on for once. i know i dont have it in me to be that kind of person, i never have. if i did i would be there right now. but i know if i ever did become that person i would never have the people in my life that i do right now. now that could be a good thing and it could be a bad thing and i dont know which it is. i feel way too much right now. i need an escape but there is nowhere to go. wherever i go my thoughts go with me and i cant shake them to save my life so im forced to try and deal with them. just drives me more and more insane i think. im not asking for help anymore because the more i do the more i feel i bring down others. yes i am thankful for those who have been there words will never express my gratitude but i know im on my own now. if i fall then look down upon me and know that one day i will get back up. what i thought i knew about life up until this point has been blown out of the water. i miss the Erin that i was 1 year ago, true i wasnt really all that happy but i wasnt trippin' over emotion after emotion on a daily basis. i wasnt confused or hurting on a daily basis. i was me, alone and content. now i'm just alone.
there are days when i wish i could turn back the hands of time. then i realize that there is no point, if changed the slightest thing i would make things so much worse for myself in the future. so im damned if i do and damned if i dont. i have to move on for my sanity and i think its a road i have to take all by myself.
im not happy. as much as i try to be im not happy. i look at all the things i have in life and i should be more than happy. i should be, but im not. how selfish is that? how ungrateful can one person be? i never thought in life i was this type of person, never dreamnt i could even fake like i was but here i sit being exactly who i dont want to be. i wanna run away and i want to be alone. to go where no one knows who i am and what i am or what i can do. but i know the moment i do i'll want to be back here with the people i know i will miss. i want to be a hard ass and not let anyone get to know me. i dont want to be naive or vulnerable anymore. i dont want to wear my heart on my sleeve. i want to be one of those people who can walk and not get walked on for once. i know i dont have it in me to be that kind of person, i never have. if i did i would be there right now. but i know if i ever did become that person i would never have the people in my life that i do right now. now that could be a good thing and it could be a bad thing and i dont know which it is. i feel way too much right now. i need an escape but there is nowhere to go. wherever i go my thoughts go with me and i cant shake them to save my life so im forced to try and deal with them. just drives me more and more insane i think. im not asking for help anymore because the more i do the more i feel i bring down others. yes i am thankful for those who have been there words will never express my gratitude but i know im on my own now. if i fall then look down upon me and know that one day i will get back up. what i thought i knew about life up until this point has been blown out of the water. i miss the Erin that i was 1 year ago, true i wasnt really all that happy but i wasnt trippin' over emotion after emotion on a daily basis. i wasnt confused or hurting on a daily basis. i was me, alone and content. now i'm just alone.
there are days when i wish i could turn back the hands of time. then i realize that there is no point, if changed the slightest thing i would make things so much worse for myself in the future. so im damned if i do and damned if i dont. i have to move on for my sanity and i think its a road i have to take all by myself.