Goodnight Sorrow
Alone, hurt and neglected I sit at the computer staring at the screen. Nothing to do. Nothing to say. I glance at the pills beside me thinking of thier uses. I dismiss them quickly. On the desk I catch a glimpse of metal. I see the handle with the blade placed ever so discreetly into its sheath. I reach for it, but hesitate. I look down the hallway as I think of my parents sleeping peacefully in the other room. Slowly my attention turns back to the knife. I unbutton the small strip of leather keeping it in place and slowly slide it out of its decorated leather prison. I run my fingers along the back of the blade savoring the feel of the cool metal on my skin. I turn it over, lightly scraping the surface of my arms with the sharpened piece. I pierce the tip of my finger with the point of the blade. I embrace the pain. It is like a drug for me. The endorphins kick in, begging me to cut myself open, urging me to feel the warmth of my blood running over my skin. I touch my finger to my lips tasting the wound. This only makes the frenzy worse. My heart starts to pound, my thoughts start to race, I feel asthough I will burst. Then everything halts. I shed a single tear as I realize that I am not living merely for myself. I cannot continue. To end this would be so relieving, but I can't. My brother comes out to tell me to turn off the light and go to bed. I turn away so he doesnt see my eyes. I take a deep breath and remind myself that I am needed. I remind myself that I matter. I remind myself that I have responsibilities. Though I do not feel love, it is there. Though I do not see a future, I have one. Though I cannot bear this lonliness, it is temporary. God give me the strength to live. God grant me the grace to forgive. God love me as only You can.