zombies
This could either be the coolest thing ever or the stupidest thing ever. Only time will tell:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” So begins Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, an expanded edition of the beloved Jane Austen novel featuring all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie mayhem. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton-and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she’s soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers-and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Can she vanquish the spawn of Satan? And overcome the social prejudices of the class-conscious landed gentry? Complete with romance, heartbreak, swordfights, cannibalism, and thousands of rotting corpses, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies transforms a masterpiece of world literature into something you’d actually want to read.
Which leads to so many interesting questions: Will those Red Coats stationed in Meryton finally come in handy for something other than dancing with at balls? Will Elizabeth’s trip to Pemberley get cancelled? How much more awkward will Darcy’s marriage proposal be when there’s zombies pounding at the door? And, duh, you totally know boring old Mr. Collins is going to be eaten alive.
Oh, I can hardly contain the Byrony!
But of course my excitement is tinged with cynicism. Remixing and tinkering with Jane Austen isn’t anything new, and I’m sure the author chose P&P because he thinks it would be funny to fuck with a novel considered the very epitome of classic chick lit romance. But, that’s not really being fair to P&P. It’s one of the most structurally sound novels of all time: every character, every plot point, every sentence is necessary to get Elizabeth and Darcy together at the end of 200 pages. Nothing is wasted. So if you’re gonna add zombies, make ‘em count.
But, is it possible that these zombies might have some larger meaning? Could they represent the tedious marriage system and the horrible entailment laws that force the Bennet sisters into hasty marriages? Could they represent the zombie-like unquestioning adherence to the unfair class system that threatens Darcy and Elizabeth’s relationship?
I have my doubts.
And as clever as he thinks he’s being in diddling a masterpiece, I’d like to point out two classic romances in which zombies could appear and wouldn’t even be noticed:
Wuthering Heights
If you told Heathcliff that the dead were coming back to life, the novel would actually have a happy ending.
Jane Eyre
The word “vampire” actually gets brought up in discussions of she-who-shall-not-be-named lurking in the tower. Zombies wouldn’t be far off, and in Jean Rhys’ remixed post-colonial prequel Wide Sargasso Sea, zombie imagery is used all over.
Oh, and there’s also the fact that it already inspired a zombie film: I Walked with a Zombie
So how long do you think it will be until Lion’s Gate buys the movie rights to this?
EDIT: the answer to that last question is that studios are already vying for the rights.
EDIT 2: I take back about 30% of my enthusiasm in this blog because I just found out that Darcy teaches the Bennet sisters how to slay zombies like Japanese samurai. That sounds exceedingly lame. And I don’t think Elizabeth could stand to be around him long enough to learn anything from him. And really, if anyone would know how to use a katana, it would be Elizabeth. Ugh. Stop re-writing books you’ve never read.