Why I Build Castles in the Sky
Circa 1989-1991
I remember the rain. It didn't stop all day. I lived in an old house made of wood and cement. Most of the wood was rotten. The screen on the large blue concrete floor of the front poor was pealing and ripped away from the frame of the enclosure. There was a church pew that we used as a bench against the wall. The front door did not have a door handle. There was a large hole where one would be and if you looked inside you could see within the house.
This morning though, the door was open. I was standing there in a blue sweat suit, I couldn't have been any older than five or six. I'm not sure if I had started school yet. My face was round and my cheeks were very puffy. They only turned pink when I laughed or was embarrassed. I had shaggy brown hair and it was covering my eyes partially.
I honestly did not believe that anybody was ever coming home. I stood there from dawn until dusk. Have you ever seen the way I cling to people? I clung to the doorway, pacing back and forth along the porch, crying in the corner.
I can't remember what happened after that. I remember crying a lot, and being hurt. My bedroom walls were covered with crayon. I had colored all over the walls and thrown all the stuffed animals and toys on the floor.
I remember my mother and father's anger and I remember the beating. Something was starting to change inside of me.
Circa 1990-1991
I know they were doing drugs, I don't know what it was over. We had a room in our house that was probably meant to be a dining room, but we called it the blue room because it had blue carpet and blue walls. We put the Christmas tree in there or the living room. I made my Donatello turtle costume with my dad in there when I was like six.
I don't know what the reason was... I just remember the screaming and crying. For some reason I remember making my sister (she was only 3ish) stay in the living room, I really don't know where she was. I can't remember well. We had a bar area between the blue room and kitchen. It was like an island protruding from the wall. I was standing there watching.
My dad was holding my mom there, my mom was kicking and screaming. I always remember my dad crying more than my mom crying, kinda. My mom was more frantic, though my dad hit my mom and they fought and he WAS abusive, my mom always seemed to cause it, and my dad always seemed when mom was in a corner to be trying to calm her down. But my mom hurt my dad a lot and cheated a lot I think and my mom just screamed so loud. She always taught me that my dad was evil, and I loved her more than life.
But I remember the play table in my room, it was enclosed with doors. I remember being locked in there for hours, in this tiny table, or in the hall closet, screaming so scared. I think my first experiences with hallucinations were here. We had bugs, roaches, they would get on me and crawl on me. I was terrified, and I felt it even if there weren't any bugs.
I still feel like things are crawling on me sometimes. Often, actually... I'm afraid of spiders and other bugs.
I ran away often.
Circa 1992-1993
I wasn't allowed to play with Curtis. I don't know why really, just I wasn't supposed to. One day I told my mom that I was going to Todd's Pond with Mikey and JJ and that I'd be home at 4. I actually went to Curtis's and I ended up going out to do errands with him and his mom until about 8. I rode my bike home (about 2 miles) and went across the street to JR's (I think that was his name) this really old man who I really don't like remembering for some reason, and found out they were looking for me.
My I remember running down the long porch so fearfully. After that there are flashes, I can't remember, I just remember crying and screaming and being alone for a long time.
Circa 1990
In kindergarten I screamed in this teacher lady's class at a picture of a bug on the screen. My grandma came and got me. The teachers kept asking me why I screamed. My mom later punished me with her foot, a thick leather belt, slapping me, and isolation.
Circa 1991
I begged my grandmother all day until she was at her wits end of sanity, being the loudest, most demanding, snarky, MEAN child ever to buy me Zelda for the NES. I had played it somewhere or something and I had to play it. She bought it for me... I was so happy. When I finished the game in what seemed to be ages later, I screamed and shouted and was so excited...
My mother punished me for having the game because my grandmother "never gives anything to your sister do they! you spoiled fucking brat, all they do is baby you brooks, when are you going to learn you're not a baby, stop crying, stop fucking crying, goddammit brat you're pissing me off"
Circa 1994
It was summer and we were living in this green house on the outskirts of Wendell. The nightmares were especially bad when I lived here and Wake Forest. The abduction nightmares, I mean.
Jamie was my mother's sister. She had a son and daughter, Nikki and Jason. Jason is a like six or seven years older than me? Or, I really don't know. All I know is that Jason had me... do things, he taught me things and showed me things and got me to do things.
It wasn't the first time... but it's the first time I clearly remember.
I remember the rain. It didn't stop all day. I lived in an old house made of wood and cement. Most of the wood was rotten. The screen on the large blue concrete floor of the front poor was pealing and ripped away from the frame of the enclosure. There was a church pew that we used as a bench against the wall. The front door did not have a door handle. There was a large hole where one would be and if you looked inside you could see within the house.
This morning though, the door was open. I was standing there in a blue sweat suit, I couldn't have been any older than five or six. I'm not sure if I had started school yet. My face was round and my cheeks were very puffy. They only turned pink when I laughed or was embarrassed. I had shaggy brown hair and it was covering my eyes partially.
I honestly did not believe that anybody was ever coming home. I stood there from dawn until dusk. Have you ever seen the way I cling to people? I clung to the doorway, pacing back and forth along the porch, crying in the corner.
I can't remember what happened after that. I remember crying a lot, and being hurt. My bedroom walls were covered with crayon. I had colored all over the walls and thrown all the stuffed animals and toys on the floor.
I remember my mother and father's anger and I remember the beating. Something was starting to change inside of me.
Circa 1990-1991
I know they were doing drugs, I don't know what it was over. We had a room in our house that was probably meant to be a dining room, but we called it the blue room because it had blue carpet and blue walls. We put the Christmas tree in there or the living room. I made my Donatello turtle costume with my dad in there when I was like six.
I don't know what the reason was... I just remember the screaming and crying. For some reason I remember making my sister (she was only 3ish) stay in the living room, I really don't know where she was. I can't remember well. We had a bar area between the blue room and kitchen. It was like an island protruding from the wall. I was standing there watching.
My dad was holding my mom there, my mom was kicking and screaming. I always remember my dad crying more than my mom crying, kinda. My mom was more frantic, though my dad hit my mom and they fought and he WAS abusive, my mom always seemed to cause it, and my dad always seemed when mom was in a corner to be trying to calm her down. But my mom hurt my dad a lot and cheated a lot I think and my mom just screamed so loud. She always taught me that my dad was evil, and I loved her more than life.
But I remember the play table in my room, it was enclosed with doors. I remember being locked in there for hours, in this tiny table, or in the hall closet, screaming so scared. I think my first experiences with hallucinations were here. We had bugs, roaches, they would get on me and crawl on me. I was terrified, and I felt it even if there weren't any bugs.
I still feel like things are crawling on me sometimes. Often, actually... I'm afraid of spiders and other bugs.
I ran away often.
Circa 1992-1993
I wasn't allowed to play with Curtis. I don't know why really, just I wasn't supposed to. One day I told my mom that I was going to Todd's Pond with Mikey and JJ and that I'd be home at 4. I actually went to Curtis's and I ended up going out to do errands with him and his mom until about 8. I rode my bike home (about 2 miles) and went across the street to JR's (I think that was his name) this really old man who I really don't like remembering for some reason, and found out they were looking for me.
My I remember running down the long porch so fearfully. After that there are flashes, I can't remember, I just remember crying and screaming and being alone for a long time.
Circa 1990
In kindergarten I screamed in this teacher lady's class at a picture of a bug on the screen. My grandma came and got me. The teachers kept asking me why I screamed. My mom later punished me with her foot, a thick leather belt, slapping me, and isolation.
Circa 1991
I begged my grandmother all day until she was at her wits end of sanity, being the loudest, most demanding, snarky, MEAN child ever to buy me Zelda for the NES. I had played it somewhere or something and I had to play it. She bought it for me... I was so happy. When I finished the game in what seemed to be ages later, I screamed and shouted and was so excited...
My mother punished me for having the game because my grandmother "never gives anything to your sister do they! you spoiled fucking brat, all they do is baby you brooks, when are you going to learn you're not a baby, stop crying, stop fucking crying, goddammit brat you're pissing me off"
Circa 1994
It was summer and we were living in this green house on the outskirts of Wendell. The nightmares were especially bad when I lived here and Wake Forest. The abduction nightmares, I mean.
Jamie was my mother's sister. She had a son and daughter, Nikki and Jason. Jason is a like six or seven years older than me? Or, I really don't know. All I know is that Jason had me... do things, he taught me things and showed me things and got me to do things.
It wasn't the first time... but it's the first time I clearly remember.