Is it?
I got a job today. I start tomorrow at 9:30am. It's a true temp job, only lasts until the second week in November. The job is for a charity, MDA, and I am calling company owners and whatnot to invite them to the executive whatever for Muscular Dystrophy, where they have to give us 3,200 dollars for a limo ride, sub-par food at a golf course, and an hour of their time. Now, I can do that. No problem. Great news, right? Wrong.
The room is tiny. Six people in it, seven with me. No computers, just phones. And a list. A long list. Calling the same people repeatedly saying the same thing. No break, a short lunch, with 200 calls a day needing to be done, minimum. What's worse is the quota goes up every day. Day 1, 1 hit. Day 2, 2 hits. Day 3, 3 hits. And so on. I think this is designed to get through as many people as possible until they have the strongest team possible. I will most certainly lose this job very quickly, at least it will be extra money. I feel terrible.
What's worse is that none of that is the reason it's so hard. It's the feelings. It's the phones, constantly clicking, beeping, slamming. It's all the people around me saying the same things repeatedly, hearing their frustration, the ticking of the clock, the sound of the people in the office behind me, it's all just so loud, so very very loud, and occasionally I'll snap out and hear something that didn't happen. I get so paranoid and frustrated, I start to shake, feel like I'm shaking, maybe I'm not, then I try to press the buttons on the phones and my body stops moving, I can't control it, my limbs don't move, and I have to jerk myself out of it and force my body to comply, and then I stammer, and then I scream inside and start to cry.
I'm so fucking scared.
It's disappointing, this isn't a choice for me. This is what is going on inside me every day, conflicting with everything I do. Everything. And there are several of them, several ways that I feel. Several modes that I can't control, that come over me like different colored banners. It's frustrating sorting through the sounds and thoughts.
I don't want to pray, it's unintentional and feels wrong. I miss DCG so much, I miss him so much and I'm so lonely without him around. Goddammit, why do I fail so hard, goddammit. I exposed him to so many fucked up things that I shouldn't have. I feel so ashamed, I feel like I hurt him, I feel so fucking terrible. I just wish I could say I'm sorry. Ugh... I feel so fucking disgusting.
The room is tiny. Six people in it, seven with me. No computers, just phones. And a list. A long list. Calling the same people repeatedly saying the same thing. No break, a short lunch, with 200 calls a day needing to be done, minimum. What's worse is the quota goes up every day. Day 1, 1 hit. Day 2, 2 hits. Day 3, 3 hits. And so on. I think this is designed to get through as many people as possible until they have the strongest team possible. I will most certainly lose this job very quickly, at least it will be extra money. I feel terrible.
What's worse is that none of that is the reason it's so hard. It's the feelings. It's the phones, constantly clicking, beeping, slamming. It's all the people around me saying the same things repeatedly, hearing their frustration, the ticking of the clock, the sound of the people in the office behind me, it's all just so loud, so very very loud, and occasionally I'll snap out and hear something that didn't happen. I get so paranoid and frustrated, I start to shake, feel like I'm shaking, maybe I'm not, then I try to press the buttons on the phones and my body stops moving, I can't control it, my limbs don't move, and I have to jerk myself out of it and force my body to comply, and then I stammer, and then I scream inside and start to cry.
I'm so fucking scared.
It's disappointing, this isn't a choice for me. This is what is going on inside me every day, conflicting with everything I do. Everything. And there are several of them, several ways that I feel. Several modes that I can't control, that come over me like different colored banners. It's frustrating sorting through the sounds and thoughts.
I don't want to pray, it's unintentional and feels wrong. I miss DCG so much, I miss him so much and I'm so lonely without him around. Goddammit, why do I fail so hard, goddammit. I exposed him to so many fucked up things that I shouldn't have. I feel so ashamed, I feel like I hurt him, I feel so fucking terrible. I just wish I could say I'm sorry. Ugh... I feel so fucking disgusting.
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