read it and weep.
I thought alot this morning at church. about alot of things. First thing. Over the last probably 4 monthes, ive pretty much lost my faith. Im not really sure why. Its wierd because it seems like the more involved i got in the church the less faith i had. I have either a really hard time trusting people, or i trust people easily. It depends. kind of a first impression thing. At church i never really opened up. I was a fake. I acted like i trusted everyone but i wasnt really sure. I still do. People dont know how little faith i have. they might get the idea since i havent been going as much and when i do go im kinda out of it. yeah i have fun because i like some of the people but ive really been thinking about not going anymore. Not because i dnot like it, but because i feel like a hypocrite. I'd like to be honest with everyone but i get annoyed easily. i dont want someone calling me everyday asking me to come back. Im kind of thinking of using the deal with Phil as an excuse, but i cant do that to kelly. if she continues to go there i dont want to leave her because its really tough on her. I just feel like while im there I try to act like im paying attention but im really thinking about other things. I dont enjoy it like i used to. You could say i have no faith in anything. I think whatever happens is how its supposed to be, i dont feel like if i believe in God things are going to be better. I have a hard time believing without seeing. My sister had to write an essay on her outlook on life and she asked me to print it and i read it and was like wow. that puts how i think into perspective. Ill post it at the end of the entry. its long, so ill put it under a cut. These past few monthes i seem to be happier than i used to be. Its wierd but im really comfortable with everything. yeah i have my shitty days but everyone does. I guess faith works for some people and not for others. I tried it and it doesnt really work for me. Im happy for everyone it does work for. Good for you. Apparently im not one of them. Maybe im just ranting and i wont feel like this in a few monthes but i feel pretty strongly about it now. Who knows.
Maybe its that im not willing to change my ways. Ive tried and i failed. Im a pretty damn bad example of a christian. I've just started to feel pretty uncomfortable at church and i've slowly stopped going as much. Im not sure what im going to do yet. I am going to that meeting tonight and i think that might really help me decide. I have very strong opinions on what they should do about Phil and if they treat it like its nothing again i think im done.
Im done for now. Maybe ill update after the meeting tonight.
As much as i can hate my sister, I really look up to her. We are complete opposites but she is probably the smartest person i know. She can put everything into words perfectly. Im going to miss her. Sorry about the length of this .
oh yeah. sorry if i offended anyone, but its my opinion.
"Man is an end in himself," states Ayn Rand, a twentieth century philosopher and novelist. Taking certain aspects of her objectivism thought into account, I have developed a unique philosophy over the years. Based on rational self-interest, I take my life into my own hands, without reliance on predetermination or fate. It probably was not until the summer before my senior year in high school that I was capable of defining myself, my beliefs and what brings meaning to life. First off, I don’t believe any human being is able to live in complete optimism and joy, and second no one should live in despair and skepticism. These two thoughts form the base of my outlook, guiding me through a tremendous life journey and keeping me levelheaded, goal oriented and with a few similarities to existentialism.
Parallel to the above quote, I believe all people live in competition with themselves and their own will. Man’s only end is his own decision to cease doing what it is that makes him enjoy life and find success. The definition of success is different for every human being. I believe the external world exists independent of man’s consciousness and that things are what they are, just as facts are facts. Rejecting belief in the supernatural, I hold people accountable for what they do in life to seek fulfillment. I do not criticize the various ways in which people find this fulfillment, but simply believe that whatever is necessary to achieve happiness is acceptable. It is silly to believe that people should be selfless and live life to better the disposition of others. Life is all about self-interest, and if that self-interest is rational, it is a necessity. Reason is a person’s basic means of survival as defined by objectivism, and the exercise of reason depends on each individual’s choice. I reject any belief that people are influenced by forces beyond their control. I am not without faith, but it does not define my life. Humans are born selfish, and that in itself is reality. The truth is, there is no one key to finding the meaning of life. Everyone’s key fits differently within their diverse and evolving lives. A person’s key may fit one day but not the other. It is what one does that brings him fulfillment that defines life: a series of twists and turns, peaks and valleys, highs and lows.
Because my philosophy centers on doing what it is that improves my position and success, it is not something I must think about every day. It is a way of life that comes naturally. It seems like a very selfish philosophy, but in practice it is not. If what makes me happy does not involve me directly, it does not mean it is unimportant to me. I do wake up each day with a purpose, but not one that I think is predetermined. It is up to me to make something of myself and live how I want to live. Living how I want to live does not require me to meet certain criteria such as making x amount of money, helping x amount of people, etc. but simply to not second guess my convictions and decisions. There was a point in my life when I realized I hesitated in almost everything I did, regretting not taking action when I held back. This became an influence in my developing philosophy and has caused me to take risks and do what it is I want to do. My mind requires selfishness, and so does my life in every aspect. It requires the gaining of values, not their loss; achievement, not renunciation; self-preservation, not self-sacrifice. I value my choice to think rather than let my mind stagnate, and that brings meaning to my life above all other things. Thinking independently leads to action which fulfills my desires.
Although my philosophy has no major correlation with the existentialist viewpoint, in researching existentialism, I came across a few major themes that I do in fact, agree with. According to Encarta Encyclopedia, existentialism stresses individual freedom and choice. My philosophy revolves greatly around the fact that I am free to choose how I want to live and flourish as a person. I am not confined to become anything specific, as I do not believe anything is predetermined or directed by fate. As well, existentialists believe man is a conscious subject, rather than a thing to be predicted or manipulated; he exists as a conscious being, and not in accordance with any definition, essence, generalization, or system according to dividingline.com. This theory goes hand in hand with my belief that I am not to be “predicted or manipulated.” What I do not agree with in the above statement is that essence does not exist. I do have a spiritual side and strong faith, though not directly tied to a specific religion. Despite these exceptions, there are views existentialists uphold that are dissimilar to my philosophy. First, I do not believe that anguish is the underlying, all-pervasive, universal condition of human existence as Kierkegaard stresses. Existentialists dread nothingness in human existence, and I do not allow anguish to control my life. It would seem to me that existentialists remove any meaning through this anxiety pervading their life. Also, I do not find my existence to be absurd as existentialists do. I believe strongly in the fact that all lives are valuable, and that is adequate explanation for me.
Although it may seem to be quite a simple outlook on life, I have given it much thought, beginning prior to this task I was given to write about it. I have always felt that I hold different convictions and outlooks than my peers, especially when I face tribulations and difficult decisions. My foundation is my mind and its ability to function or stagnate, guide me or abandon me as I embark on a journey of existence. It is through my own choice that I make something of myself and find meaning. My faith comes from within and is not tied to any predetermined purpose made for me. I admit to upholding some existentialist viewpoints, but feel that my philosophy is unique in its basic themes. Seeming to encompass my beliefs, Carl Jung stated, “The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases. Each of us carries his own unique life form--which cannot be used by any other.”