Since we've been wrong... I've been part awake.
Do you remember how you wore that dress? It slipped my sight beneath the eyelids. Do you remember what you said to me? What course has given you the right to stray? And in your living tomb I’m stuck but safe. The clocks are ticking fast with every breath…
Since we’ve been wrong… I’ve been part awake. Since we’ve been wrong… You will never ever know me. What took you so long? I’m not sure all the way. But my heart it asks just one more time, are you still a mess?
One day a rain will come to wash away. The earth that held us was no island. I have become ingrown inside this skin. I found a way out through those eyelids. And all the days become a cast away, I seem to think I don’t belong here.
Since we’ve been wrong… I’ve been part awake. Since we’ve been wrong… You will never ever know me. What took you so long? I’m not sure all the way. But my heart it asks just one more time, are you still a mess?
I don’t belong here, I shouldn’t stay. What falls inside me grows empty. The walls between us, will never break, Just seals it shut, it grows empty.
Since we’ve been wrong… I’ve been part awake. Since we’ve been wrong… You will never ever know me. What took you so long? I’m not sure all the way. But my heart it asks just one more time, are you still a mess?
For lack of a better term, this year has been awful. Terrible. Atrocious at best.
Nothing has seemed to go in a positive direction since the start of January. Outside of my bubble, the stock market fluctuates with global unease, riots happen in the streets of Iran, North Korean proves that it has something... to prove? Oil is tumultuous, rising and falling depending on what happens in the middle east, Nigeria, and other "hot spots".
Inside of my bubble, my car has been rebelling against me. My OEM battery died, which caused my alarm system to go haywire. My exhaust rusted off where the "professionals at Meineke" reinstalled it. Amanda's mother passed away at the age of 38 after a long bout with MS. My mother has been hospitalized with several abnormalities in St. Petersburg, Florida. She had an infected cyst that abscessed below the skin and caused her to become septic. After struggling for a few days in the ICU, she lost her ability to become coherent, which caused my sister and myself to rush down there. Upon our arrival, she was more with it, and as we left, she was much better. However, I got a call this morning that she was back in ICU and I haven't been able to get ahold of her since. I guess in the middle of the night, she had a seizure. While this can be life threatening, it probably isn't, but... Since she has no history of seizures, the doctors have to go in and find answers.
I feel lost, confused and powerless. I don't know what to do, or how to do it. All I can bring myself to do is sit around and feel sorry for myself. I don't know why, but I can't deal with the fact that, in life, you will eventually lose ones that you love. I feel hypocritical saying that I don't want to ever let go, considering people aren't given nearly as long as I have had with the parents on occasion, but I feel selfish in my ability to simply not let go... I don't think this will be the end, but at the same time, life is fragile and things never go quite as you would hope.
I have, however, decided that I am going to do write a book, finally. And I might as well get it started as soon as possible, what have I got to lose? Nothing but some time and few bucks. I have a writing style in mind, as well. Emulating the late Louis "Studs" Terkel, I will attempt to write an oral history of the current economic crisis, and how it affects the homeless, new homeless, middle class, upper middle class, upper class and those who are seemingly immune to all economic pressures.
I guess I will end this entry on that.