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the problem is the people i would like to hate often turn out to be very nice people if i only give them a chance. i've been giving lots of chances.
that's not the problem, but that's how the problem starts.
cause i'm trying not to dislike new people but in the process people i already like are starting to piss me off.
thing is, i'm a fucked up person and i gravitate towards other fucked up people, and fucked up people are bound to piss you off every now and then or always. but they never bothered me before. when fucked up people become friends, real friends, not just codependent users of one or another varieties, they come, immediately, into an unspoken deal--they won't fuck each other up anymore in the process. this is important. this doesn't mean they can't talk about how fucked up they are, because they certainly will. that is unavoidable. but they can't drag each other into their own shit.
he's avoiding me.
two days ago there was an argument. he did some stupid violent shit. i can't deal with violent shit. it's no good for me. now things have changed. it's not wrong to say permanently. not that we won't get over it. but this is how they explained the eucharist when i was little:
there was a chalkboard and a woman in a coat collared in ermine. it must be very cold. she taught the class and was co-owner of a profitable high-brow restaurant that had been in the family for years but now has close. she drew a circle on the chalkboard--this is your soul. then she colored it in--this is what it looks like when you've sinned. then she erased the middle, and here's the epiphany--this is what it looks like after the eucharist. the point is there's still all this dusty shit in the middle; it's not really clean.
but if we're gonna get this shit cleaned up at all, he and i have got to start somewhere.
dana doesn't understand it. the way dana and i fight is we speak sternly or sarcastically, we insult, we curse like poor kids, then we go to seven eleven, then i get high, she gets the contact high she doesn't realize she's getting, we play a board game, we watch a movie, and we do it all again next week. this is how fucked up friends fight, because we're still friends, and we know how to deal with our shit on our own. we know the limits we can go to without changing the nature of the friendship. violent gestures cross that line.
i thought all fucked up people knew these rules. apparently they don't, or otherwise they're just ignoring them, because people are pissing me off.
fuck, i've got ten more months of teen angst, and christ fuck me if i don't use them. hell, parts are worth the read, i think, or at least they were worth the writing.
the problem is the people i would like to hate often turn out to be very nice people if i only give them a chance. i've been giving lots of chances.
that's not the problem, but that's how the problem starts.
cause i'm trying not to dislike new people but in the process people i already like are starting to piss me off.
thing is, i'm a fucked up person and i gravitate towards other fucked up people, and fucked up people are bound to piss you off every now and then or always. but they never bothered me before. when fucked up people become friends, real friends, not just codependent users of one or another varieties, they come, immediately, into an unspoken deal--they won't fuck each other up anymore in the process. this is important. this doesn't mean they can't talk about how fucked up they are, because they certainly will. that is unavoidable. but they can't drag each other into their own shit.
he's avoiding me.
two days ago there was an argument. he did some stupid violent shit. i can't deal with violent shit. it's no good for me. now things have changed. it's not wrong to say permanently. not that we won't get over it. but this is how they explained the eucharist when i was little:
there was a chalkboard and a woman in a coat collared in ermine. it must be very cold. she taught the class and was co-owner of a profitable high-brow restaurant that had been in the family for years but now has close. she drew a circle on the chalkboard--this is your soul. then she colored it in--this is what it looks like when you've sinned. then she erased the middle, and here's the epiphany--this is what it looks like after the eucharist. the point is there's still all this dusty shit in the middle; it's not really clean.
but if we're gonna get this shit cleaned up at all, he and i have got to start somewhere.
dana doesn't understand it. the way dana and i fight is we speak sternly or sarcastically, we insult, we curse like poor kids, then we go to seven eleven, then i get high, she gets the contact high she doesn't realize she's getting, we play a board game, we watch a movie, and we do it all again next week. this is how fucked up friends fight, because we're still friends, and we know how to deal with our shit on our own. we know the limits we can go to without changing the nature of the friendship. violent gestures cross that line.
i thought all fucked up people knew these rules. apparently they don't, or otherwise they're just ignoring them, because people are pissing me off.
fuck, i've got ten more months of teen angst, and christ fuck me if i don't use them. hell, parts are worth the read, i think, or at least they were worth the writing.