Doing it anyway
Another fun morning in surgery.
Sometimes she uses words that take my breath away. Both of them do. It's like the shock of ice cold water...or the plunging of a steel blade into the softness under my ribs. Sometimes it nearly doubles me over. And other times it actually does.
Word curses. Jealousy. Slander. Betrayal. Abandonment. False accusations. They can see them on me. They can see the assignment, how it moves to cut off my breath, cut off life. How can they just see it like that? I know the answer to that...but I'm just so used to being invisible. I'm used to nobody bothering to look...or see.
And it doesn't matter how composed I am...when they start praying against those words, the tears begin to fall. Sometimes slowly, silently, and other times choked through whispered sobs. I never asked for these things. I never agreed. And yet they were piled on me, bound around me, locked down tight and cinched tighter if I dared to try to cry for help. And eventually I began to live a life that reflected my limited range of motion, invisibility, and silence.
Now as I begin to gain more room to move, I discover muscles I haven't used in a long time. Maybe some of them I've never used. I stretch and push and pull as much as I can (for at least a day and a half), daring them to do more than they think they can do. More than I think they can.
The hardest part is daring them to do this alone. Alone when I know I'm not supposed to be. Fine...I'll dare to believe that veil will be lifted. I dare to believe that my Warrior will be my Defender. I'll dare to believe the best about the very people who believe the worst about me. I'll dare to believe for full restoration. I will not agree with division in any way or any one.
I am not deceived. I have heard the truth and I believe it. I refuse to bear the shame of someone else's false beliefs. I will not call the good work of the Lord less than what it is. I will not agree that I am less than what I am. I will not agree to bear the weight of the past few months as penalty for them having happened. No more. NO MORE.
It happened once before. I stood up, stepped into a new place of freedom and authority, and most of those who had professed love and loyalty freaked out and took off. I've not seen them since. It seems to be happening again. And while it is undeniably one of the most painful things I've ever had to face, there is no way that I will play small to keep the approval of those who cannot see and do not understand. So much has been given in such a short period of time. The treasures hidden in darkness, promised to me. Mine. Replevin.
There's only ever one phoenix at a time. You'll never see a flock of them.