This Has to be the One Journal Entry That I Don't Ever Want Anyone to Read,But I Really Think They
... Need to Know This...
yeah...so lets see...how should i start this...
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.....yeah...so i havent talked to ashley in about three days now, give or take a few hours...i dunno. i though i was gonna be ok with all of this, that i was doing the right thing, cutting it all off...but truthfully, im not. i know all of you(atleast those of you that read my journal on a regular basis) hate her. thats cool. but, for some reason, i just cant see something. i cant see why i can let go. i dont know. ive sorta come to the conclusion that its a matter of self-confidence/security(i know, there isnt supposed to be a hyphen, but i did it just so everyone sees that confidence and security are interchangeable).
Anyway, its sorta like this...im scared that there isnt going to be anyone in my life like her again. now, youre all asking,"what? someone who hangs all over you, never lets you be yourself, treats you like crap?"...and you know what, im not going to fight with you. But this is what i mean. Im afraid there isnt going to be anyone in my life again, that loved me as much as she did. sure, there were alot of times where i felt like i was nothing more than a mode of transportation, or something to use as a kickstand. but there were also alot of moments that i wouldnt trade in for the world. moments where i felt like i was the most loved, cherished, and cared for person in the world. and what ive come to find, is that when you make the decision to suddenly remove someone from your life, you dont remember the bad times. all you remember, is how much fun you've had, or how much you love/loved that person, and how youre gonna miss all those times, and those times you could be having, or could have had in teh future. its sorta scary. when you love someone, and it doesnt work out, it doesnt matter whether youre the breaker, or the breakee, or you just quit talking to that person. youre still going to be hurt, and youre still going to feel like youre missing out on something that anyone else would be stupid to pass up. you hate that person, and at the same time, you hate yourself for hating them. its quite a confusing matter.
now, i know you all think that im insane for evening thinking about this, because you all thought of ashley as a posessive, childish, self-indulgent person...and that may be, and it may not. even after 10 months with her, i still cant say. there are so many feelings she brought to me, that i would never give up. at the same time, so many things i wish i had never had to deal with, things i thought could never be worth it. and in the end, i still have no clue what im doing. every decision ive made, since day one, has been instinct, and nothing more. im simply letting my heart do the talking. thats it.
so im going to end this entry, and hope that you all understand how i feel, and dont get upset with me, or mad at the things ive said. i loved ashley with all my heart,and im quite sure i still do, and wont stop for a very long time, if ever. that is just how i am. if you dont like that, then theres really nothing to worry about, because things have gone as far as theyre going to go. take what you will from that. but i leave this entry to all of you, because as my friends, i know you will understand me. thanks for taking the time to read all of this. you all mean a great deal to me, and the life that ive lived.
- Matt
(edited 11/27/04 3:02 AM)
P.S. - here are some lyrics that very much fit my feelings right now...i hope you all enjoy...
"La Professor & La Fille Danse" by Damien Rice
Well I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Here's to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just taken away
From the lover's in love at the centre of stage, yeah
Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is good if your dick's made of wood
But the dick left inside only half understood her
What makes her come?
What makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand
And what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know you any more
No, no, no, no...
I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause shes only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time when once she was mine
I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to god is the one who's in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man
Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah, but I'm the professor
And feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from his prick
And the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
Hell I don't know you any more
No, no, no no...
Well I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I finished it off with some French wine and cheese
La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo
yeah...so lets see...how should i start this...
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.....
....
...
..
.
.....yeah...so i havent talked to ashley in about three days now, give or take a few hours...i dunno. i though i was gonna be ok with all of this, that i was doing the right thing, cutting it all off...but truthfully, im not. i know all of you(atleast those of you that read my journal on a regular basis) hate her. thats cool. but, for some reason, i just cant see something. i cant see why i can let go. i dont know. ive sorta come to the conclusion that its a matter of self-confidence/security(i know, there isnt supposed to be a hyphen, but i did it just so everyone sees that confidence and security are interchangeable).
Anyway, its sorta like this...im scared that there isnt going to be anyone in my life like her again. now, youre all asking,"what? someone who hangs all over you, never lets you be yourself, treats you like crap?"...and you know what, im not going to fight with you. But this is what i mean. Im afraid there isnt going to be anyone in my life again, that loved me as much as she did. sure, there were alot of times where i felt like i was nothing more than a mode of transportation, or something to use as a kickstand. but there were also alot of moments that i wouldnt trade in for the world. moments where i felt like i was the most loved, cherished, and cared for person in the world. and what ive come to find, is that when you make the decision to suddenly remove someone from your life, you dont remember the bad times. all you remember, is how much fun you've had, or how much you love/loved that person, and how youre gonna miss all those times, and those times you could be having, or could have had in teh future. its sorta scary. when you love someone, and it doesnt work out, it doesnt matter whether youre the breaker, or the breakee, or you just quit talking to that person. youre still going to be hurt, and youre still going to feel like youre missing out on something that anyone else would be stupid to pass up. you hate that person, and at the same time, you hate yourself for hating them. its quite a confusing matter.
now, i know you all think that im insane for evening thinking about this, because you all thought of ashley as a posessive, childish, self-indulgent person...and that may be, and it may not. even after 10 months with her, i still cant say. there are so many feelings she brought to me, that i would never give up. at the same time, so many things i wish i had never had to deal with, things i thought could never be worth it. and in the end, i still have no clue what im doing. every decision ive made, since day one, has been instinct, and nothing more. im simply letting my heart do the talking. thats it.
so im going to end this entry, and hope that you all understand how i feel, and dont get upset with me, or mad at the things ive said. i loved ashley with all my heart,and im quite sure i still do, and wont stop for a very long time, if ever. that is just how i am. if you dont like that, then theres really nothing to worry about, because things have gone as far as theyre going to go. take what you will from that. but i leave this entry to all of you, because as my friends, i know you will understand me. thanks for taking the time to read all of this. you all mean a great deal to me, and the life that ive lived.
- Matt
(edited 11/27/04 3:02 AM)
P.S. - here are some lyrics that very much fit my feelings right now...i hope you all enjoy...
"La Professor & La Fille Danse" by Damien Rice
Well I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Here's to the man with his face in the mud
And an overcast play just taken away
From the lover's in love at the centre of stage, yeah
Loving is fine if you have plenty of time
For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind
Loving is good if your dick's made of wood
But the dick left inside only half understood her
What makes her come?
What makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away yeah
What makes him stall, what makes him stand
And what shakes the elephant now
And what makes a man?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know you any more
No, no, no, no...
I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause shes only just gone
Why the fuck is this day taking so long
I was a lover of time when once she was mine
I was a lover indeed, I was covered in weed
Cried when she should and she laughed when she could
Well closer to god is the one who's in love
And I walk away cause I can
Too many options may kill a man
Loving is fine if it's not in your mind
But I've fucked it up now, too many times
Loving is good if it's not understood
Yeah, but I'm the professor
And feel that I should know
What makes her come and what makes her stay?
What make the animal run, run away and
What makes him tick apart from his prick
And the lonelier side of the jealousy stick
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
Hell I don't know you any more
No, no, no no...
Well I don't know if I'm wrong
'Cause she's only just gone
Here's to another relationship
Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease
I finished it off with some French wine and cheese
La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo