Lets see if this helps.
Man what hard time I've been having. I realize little bits about myself here and there, mostly about how I live my life and I happened to have a deep thought about myself one tonight. I was in the bathroom, the night had an eerie apprehensive air to it. I had been smoking a couple bowls that evening. Medicated pretty well. Well that got me thinking about why I medicate and why I feel the need to. Security maybe. For the longest time now, I've had the notion that it is vital to me. A way to circumvent the sorrow and bring happiness into my life. A way to sustain myself so I can get through life. A medication. I am so deeply depressed and confused and burdened by something I just cannot put my finger on. So there I was in the bathroom and I had a thought about work, and how upsetting and boring, and disheartening it is to be in an organization or work for a company that just goes against what you believe in. It's terrible. Like going against the grain to get through life. Anyways, needless to say I was getting pretty sad about my work life. And being medicated right now, my current mental state definitely made it a less harsh reality. Manageable to say the least. So that got me thinking that I wish I could medicate at work, and that doing so would make it easier to go along with the company and do the day to day things I must do being a soldier. I then realized the enormous gap of time that I would not be able to alleviate the anxiety, tension and stress of my hours at work or prevent it. It was a part of my day that I must deal with and what a nightmare it is. I really don't see what it does for me to go through ordeals like this where my time is split doing two things that cancel each other out. The lifestyle that I want to live conflicts with the life style I must live in order to maintain my job and fulfill the financial responsibilities that I have accrued. Is this a main source of conflict in my life? I hadn't thought of it like that until now. I'm afraid that I must give up one to succeed in the other. I feel so split. Yearning for happiness and peace. It's as if i'm caught in a pitch black downward spiral and that looking up from the bottom of this deep pit is the only thing that gives me perspective and even deeper do I dig myself into it. I imagine myself standing on a precipice above a chasm or void of never-ending nothingness and how good or tempting I should say would it feel to be nothing, to think nothing, to feel nothing, to experience nothing. I don't know which way to turn to get myself out of this madness, this ferocious spiritual battle. I fail and fail again and again. It's like I'm two different people fighting for the same thing. Even now, I don't feel like writing any of this is helping. Im sure to confess that I believe that I don't know who I am or who I could be or what I am. Is this insanity? That is one hard thought to actually swallow. That I cannot help or control something about myself. Whoever heard of such a thing? Is it real? Could it be true? Often times I have no recollection except of the feeling I experienced when I've done something or did something. I experience mental falters if you will, my memory lapses and I end up having to experience something all over again to regain that memory. I can't remember much of my past and I have trouble pinpointing where I have come from. Even up to the relationship I have with my wife. I end up wanting and trying to remember our experiences since we've met, they should be so vivid like those of yesterday, but even those are excruciatingly difficult to remember. WHY?! Why can I not remember what it was like to live 8 months cramped into a bedroom with the woman I love and plan to spend the rest of my life with? I 'm afraid i'll never get them back. What sorrow...I'm afraid i'll never get her back. Is this what I should believe? Everything revolved around her. My entire life. I was no one else except an extension of her. I was not my own person. I couldn't be. Still I cannot, but how I long to. It brings me great sadness to know that I am no longer me. That's all I really have for tonight.