Changes?
Sometimes there are things in one's life that just has to be changed.... The way they think, act, react, and the things they say, do, don't do, and avoid are all things that have to come under the microscope at some point in time.
Just as much as all of those things, one must look at what they believe, don't believe, and their faith.
For most this is occurs when there is a major upheaval in their lives, weither good or bad. For some it just occurs.
For me, it was a little of this and a little of that.
I had to re-evaluate alot when I got married to Pheonyx. I had no idea just how much my life would change from just that on little "I do". To be honest, I'm still not sure I understand just how much I am changing. But, nonetheless, I *am* changing. But I guess that goes without saying.
Then there is *being* married to Pheonyx. If you think the changes stop at the "I do" then you are really in for a rude awakening. They must happen everyday. Everytime something new comes into what is now a couple's life, both parties have to learn how to cope and deal and adjust to this new thing. With luck you do this together. Sometimes, though, you just can't...
My faith has come into question alot lately. Not just because of Pheonyx, but also because of what she and I have had to endure in the short time with have been married. Twenty years from now should be interesting. I digress..... I have found myself questioning my unswavering loyalty to Gaia. She is my Goddess, not that any of you dont know that, but it needed said. I have blindly followed Her most of my life. I have never questioned Her teachings, Her goings, or Her doings. I have never sought answers to questions I know I wouldn't get. I have never allowed those questions to affect the way I worship Her or how I am constantly venerateing her to myself and the world (those who will listen). I have never questioned my role in Her faith, both as a High-Priest and the other role She has selected for me. I have never doubted I could to what She has asked of me.
Not until we thought Pheonyx was pregnant for the first time. That's when the doubts started. That's when it all started to come into focus. What i do for my Goddess.... It puts me in harms way more often then I would like. Don't get me wrong, if I could not handle myself metaphystically then I would not be here typing this at the moment. My mystiscal enemies are many and are far reaching and have a vast network of contacts and general pains in my ass. For Gaia I have become a sentinal, a provider, a healer, a guardian, and a protector to all the living creatures on this planet--those that are here now and those that have yet to come. I have taken on the responsibility of guiding and nurturing the creatures on this planet so that they can become all that they were meant to be.
A grand thing when put into words like that, but understand that I don't expect to see any real changes in my life time, just like my predecessors before me didn't expect to see any in theirs, or my successors to follow won't. We understand that the world moves according to the Father's and Gaia's design and nothing we do with change that. We don't fight that design. We try to learn it the best way we know how and try to see it fulfilled. Who said that my interpertation of that Design is correct? No one (except those people who raised me to High-Priest in the first place). Not even me. I just know that I am doing the best I can and that's all Gaia has ever asked of me, really.
But, again, I digress. Back to my problem. Our little one(s). Is this the kind of life that I want Shakaiin or Genesis being born into? Do I want them to grow up knowing that their daddy uses a force that, if not handled properly, could destroy him, maim him, or drive him insain? Do I want them to understand that what I do is very dangerous, that everytime I so much as gather the elements together in preperation to weave them in to a design of power that I am struggling with the very forces that govern life on Earth and that one miss-step in that battle could send me to an early grave? Do I want to bring any of that onto the shoulders of my family?
That answer is simple... No.
But then there is the other doubts.... Can I find someone to succeed me now? Does such a person exists in this world? A person with the compasson, knowledge, and morals to do what needs to be done without taking advantage of the power he/she has at their disposal? Will they recognize what they have done wrong, feel responsible for it, guilty about it, and make every effort to recitify it? I honestly don't think there is another person like that out there, not at this time anyway. Who knows? There might be one, but he/she is like two or ten. Not nearly old enough. Not by far.
So then what? Can I just let this all go? Can I turn away and pretend that I know nothing about it and that I have never had anything to do with just for the sake of my family? When so many other families needs the resonating force of an active, well.... me, in this world? Can I forsake all that I am knowing what it will do to the world?
That answer is simple too.... No.
So, I find myself at a fork in my path with to very obvious roads I can travel and I have no idea what one to take. What's worse... I don't see a third.
That's the worst. There is no third road. Either I subject my family to the horrors of my mystical life and thus keep the world as safe as a can while I can, or I forsake those duties and save my family that hardship and allow the world to suffer instead.
It is not within me to this choice. Not yet anyway. Will I ever be able to? I dunno. All I know is now you know what is going on in my soul. Not the world knows of my burden and what it means to be me (Mystically at least).
D.&.D
Just as much as all of those things, one must look at what they believe, don't believe, and their faith.
For most this is occurs when there is a major upheaval in their lives, weither good or bad. For some it just occurs.
For me, it was a little of this and a little of that.
I had to re-evaluate alot when I got married to Pheonyx. I had no idea just how much my life would change from just that on little "I do". To be honest, I'm still not sure I understand just how much I am changing. But, nonetheless, I *am* changing. But I guess that goes without saying.
Then there is *being* married to Pheonyx. If you think the changes stop at the "I do" then you are really in for a rude awakening. They must happen everyday. Everytime something new comes into what is now a couple's life, both parties have to learn how to cope and deal and adjust to this new thing. With luck you do this together. Sometimes, though, you just can't...
My faith has come into question alot lately. Not just because of Pheonyx, but also because of what she and I have had to endure in the short time with have been married. Twenty years from now should be interesting. I digress..... I have found myself questioning my unswavering loyalty to Gaia. She is my Goddess, not that any of you dont know that, but it needed said. I have blindly followed Her most of my life. I have never questioned Her teachings, Her goings, or Her doings. I have never sought answers to questions I know I wouldn't get. I have never allowed those questions to affect the way I worship Her or how I am constantly venerateing her to myself and the world (those who will listen). I have never questioned my role in Her faith, both as a High-Priest and the other role She has selected for me. I have never doubted I could to what She has asked of me.
Not until we thought Pheonyx was pregnant for the first time. That's when the doubts started. That's when it all started to come into focus. What i do for my Goddess.... It puts me in harms way more often then I would like. Don't get me wrong, if I could not handle myself metaphystically then I would not be here typing this at the moment. My mystiscal enemies are many and are far reaching and have a vast network of contacts and general pains in my ass. For Gaia I have become a sentinal, a provider, a healer, a guardian, and a protector to all the living creatures on this planet--those that are here now and those that have yet to come. I have taken on the responsibility of guiding and nurturing the creatures on this planet so that they can become all that they were meant to be.
A grand thing when put into words like that, but understand that I don't expect to see any real changes in my life time, just like my predecessors before me didn't expect to see any in theirs, or my successors to follow won't. We understand that the world moves according to the Father's and Gaia's design and nothing we do with change that. We don't fight that design. We try to learn it the best way we know how and try to see it fulfilled. Who said that my interpertation of that Design is correct? No one (except those people who raised me to High-Priest in the first place). Not even me. I just know that I am doing the best I can and that's all Gaia has ever asked of me, really.
But, again, I digress. Back to my problem. Our little one(s). Is this the kind of life that I want Shakaiin or Genesis being born into? Do I want them to grow up knowing that their daddy uses a force that, if not handled properly, could destroy him, maim him, or drive him insain? Do I want them to understand that what I do is very dangerous, that everytime I so much as gather the elements together in preperation to weave them in to a design of power that I am struggling with the very forces that govern life on Earth and that one miss-step in that battle could send me to an early grave? Do I want to bring any of that onto the shoulders of my family?
That answer is simple... No.
But then there is the other doubts.... Can I find someone to succeed me now? Does such a person exists in this world? A person with the compasson, knowledge, and morals to do what needs to be done without taking advantage of the power he/she has at their disposal? Will they recognize what they have done wrong, feel responsible for it, guilty about it, and make every effort to recitify it? I honestly don't think there is another person like that out there, not at this time anyway. Who knows? There might be one, but he/she is like two or ten. Not nearly old enough. Not by far.
So then what? Can I just let this all go? Can I turn away and pretend that I know nothing about it and that I have never had anything to do with just for the sake of my family? When so many other families needs the resonating force of an active, well.... me, in this world? Can I forsake all that I am knowing what it will do to the world?
That answer is simple too.... No.
So, I find myself at a fork in my path with to very obvious roads I can travel and I have no idea what one to take. What's worse... I don't see a third.
That's the worst. There is no third road. Either I subject my family to the horrors of my mystical life and thus keep the world as safe as a can while I can, or I forsake those duties and save my family that hardship and allow the world to suffer instead.
It is not within me to this choice. Not yet anyway. Will I ever be able to? I dunno. All I know is now you know what is going on in my soul. Not the world knows of my burden and what it means to be me (Mystically at least).
D.&.D