Girlfriend...
So, I have a girlfriend. Yes, me. I have a girlfriend. I like her *alot*... a *whole* lot. We became official last night and, naturally, it didn't go over very well with those around us. Pheonyx's most recent ex-boy is *really* pissed. And in my opinion, he has every right to be. I am the one he has been talking to about wanting to get back together with Pheo. I'm the one who has been listening to him when he goes off on how much he likes her and how much he misses her and how much he wants to be with her and..., ect... (you get the picture). And then I go behind his back and steal the girl from him. How low is that?
Then there is the people who were not there when it all came down. Jean, Midnight, Brian, Silent, Ryan, Rich... I have no idea how most of them took it. Most of them are her roommates and all that. The rest of them are my friends and only some of them have been told. As you can guess, it didnt go over all that well with Midnight. The girl fancys herself in love with me and, though I have tried to disabuse her of this idea many times, her reaction to finding out that Pheonyx and I were together was violently benign. If that makes any sense. She was not ready to do violence to others, just herself. I dont think she knoes I was willing to let her do it. I know that sounds harsh, but what else am I to do. She is needy, clingly, co-dependant, and a myriad of other mentals that I can not even begin to place a name to. I am not interested in her and I have tried to make that very clear on more than one occaision, to no avail. But we talked and I hope we have an agreement... I hope she understands that she has no place in my realtionships and, as a person I will *never* date, has no right to be jealous over my girl. I have not talked to Bri about it yet. He knoes. I told him over the phone when he called last night, but he didnt say anything then, and he is not here right now. He's out moving a couch for Silent's sister.
But hear this and *knoe*! I *dont fucking care* what others think or feel about this. I am swimming in a sea of fire, her fire, and I am going to drown in it and I am loving every second of it. Her second mother told her (us) that if we can get through the next nine months then we were good. I plan to do everything in my power to see that if that is what she wants, that is what she gets.
When she is near me everything is perfect. Never mind that my heart is racing, my breathing seems to stick in my throat, my body heats up to way passed its normal, or that my knees are weak and made of water. Never mind that I can't think straight and that she has my total attention, at the excusion of all else. Never mind any of that. My world is perfect. When she is away, like she now, she is all I can think about. I cant get her out of my head and I dont want to either. My heart still races, and my being longs for her and I am totally *frumpy* until she calls, or I call her, or I see her again. On the flip of that coin, she calms me. She can just be in the room or on the other end of a phone and my worries go away. They are still there, I guess... but they are in *no* way as horrible seeming as they are when we are a part. I just knoe, that with her at my side, I can take on the world and have a fairly good chance at bringing it to its knees. She gives me strength and support and she fills me with hope. I feel complete with her. More importantly, I *feel*. She made me feel again, and that is so scary and confusing, I dont knoe what to do about it. I'm not sure there is anyting I can do about it. I'm not sure there is anything I *want* to do about it.
But soon, the irrational worry will set in. I have not been able to keep a real realtionship going for more that 10 months before. I dont want to fuck this up, but I am worried that I will. Mix that with the things I now knoe about her tendenicies to push away those who are good for her, and we are batting a thousand. I'm worried that she woke up today and had second thoughts. I wouldnt blame her for it. She was going back to a house with alot of opposition to us being together and I was not there at her side. If I was in her place, I would be having second thoughts too. I dont know if she is. I have not talked to her today. I want to. I *need* to. Just to hear her voice and have that voice to tell me we're alright. She may be at work. She may be at home. She may still be asleep. I knoe the habits of that house and I knoe what can go on in it and I dont trust those people with my girl. I trust my girl, as far as she has told me I could and I just might trust her passed that point, if she is feeling the way I am at this moment. I dont trust *them*!
Then there is the people who were not there when it all came down. Jean, Midnight, Brian, Silent, Ryan, Rich... I have no idea how most of them took it. Most of them are her roommates and all that. The rest of them are my friends and only some of them have been told. As you can guess, it didnt go over all that well with Midnight. The girl fancys herself in love with me and, though I have tried to disabuse her of this idea many times, her reaction to finding out that Pheonyx and I were together was violently benign. If that makes any sense. She was not ready to do violence to others, just herself. I dont think she knoes I was willing to let her do it. I know that sounds harsh, but what else am I to do. She is needy, clingly, co-dependant, and a myriad of other mentals that I can not even begin to place a name to. I am not interested in her and I have tried to make that very clear on more than one occaision, to no avail. But we talked and I hope we have an agreement... I hope she understands that she has no place in my realtionships and, as a person I will *never* date, has no right to be jealous over my girl. I have not talked to Bri about it yet. He knoes. I told him over the phone when he called last night, but he didnt say anything then, and he is not here right now. He's out moving a couch for Silent's sister.
But hear this and *knoe*! I *dont fucking care* what others think or feel about this. I am swimming in a sea of fire, her fire, and I am going to drown in it and I am loving every second of it. Her second mother told her (us) that if we can get through the next nine months then we were good. I plan to do everything in my power to see that if that is what she wants, that is what she gets.
When she is near me everything is perfect. Never mind that my heart is racing, my breathing seems to stick in my throat, my body heats up to way passed its normal, or that my knees are weak and made of water. Never mind that I can't think straight and that she has my total attention, at the excusion of all else. Never mind any of that. My world is perfect. When she is away, like she now, she is all I can think about. I cant get her out of my head and I dont want to either. My heart still races, and my being longs for her and I am totally *frumpy* until she calls, or I call her, or I see her again. On the flip of that coin, she calms me. She can just be in the room or on the other end of a phone and my worries go away. They are still there, I guess... but they are in *no* way as horrible seeming as they are when we are a part. I just knoe, that with her at my side, I can take on the world and have a fairly good chance at bringing it to its knees. She gives me strength and support and she fills me with hope. I feel complete with her. More importantly, I *feel*. She made me feel again, and that is so scary and confusing, I dont knoe what to do about it. I'm not sure there is anyting I can do about it. I'm not sure there is anything I *want* to do about it.
But soon, the irrational worry will set in. I have not been able to keep a real realtionship going for more that 10 months before. I dont want to fuck this up, but I am worried that I will. Mix that with the things I now knoe about her tendenicies to push away those who are good for her, and we are batting a thousand. I'm worried that she woke up today and had second thoughts. I wouldnt blame her for it. She was going back to a house with alot of opposition to us being together and I was not there at her side. If I was in her place, I would be having second thoughts too. I dont know if she is. I have not talked to her today. I want to. I *need* to. Just to hear her voice and have that voice to tell me we're alright. She may be at work. She may be at home. She may still be asleep. I knoe the habits of that house and I knoe what can go on in it and I dont trust those people with my girl. I trust my girl, as far as she has told me I could and I just might trust her passed that point, if she is feeling the way I am at this moment. I dont trust *them*!