The State of the Rue
So, this evening, Rikuou-mun asked me a simple question, "how's Rue?" If the answer to that were so simple, there probably wouldn't be a post here.
Almost a month ago, Kaguya Kimimaro left Camp Fuck You Die. Up until that moment when he disappeared, Caeru had not realized fully just how much he had come to depend on the ninja. They lived in the same cabin -- a private cabin with them as the only residents. They spent a great deal of time together each day, slept together at night, and Rue devoted even more time in his thoughts and movements and actions into including him. Even when they would spend days apart, simply knowing that Kimimaro was in Camp, and that they would be able to see each other at night was a relief and a comfort. It offered Rue a sactuary and happiness knowing that Kimimaro in his own very special way loved Rue just as much as Rue loved him. Being able to keep this in mind, Caeru was able to relax and find a peace that he otherwise would have never known at Camp.
When Kimimaro's time finally came to leave, Rue fell apart, and I as a player nearly lost him. I couldn't bring him out into posts. I didn't know how to play him. He was very, very, really broken. Any time that I considered bringing him out, his voice crumbled in my head and turned to dust. I am very grateful, and I have no doubt that the timing of Kimimaro's drop, just before a forced hiatus for Rue, is one of the only things that has allowed me to keep him as a character. There was no way that I could have played him during that first week, and I know there were people who were concerned about Rue who wanted to play with him then, and I was grateful for the reason not to.
I... very nearly dropped him multiple times during the last month. It's devistating to have him so completely undone, and I'm truly thankful to Swift's help and understanding because without their post together, Caeru would not be in Camp right now. Rue was finally allowed not only to grieve, but to grieve openly and in peace with possibly the only other person that Rue is comfortable showing that depth of emotions.
Right now, Rue is very slowly pulling himself back together. He's testing and attempting to establish the bonds he has, and there are always plenty of people that he can speak with for light conversations. He is more and more often pulling on his "public" persona, closing off his emotions in order to keep himself and his heart safe from losing anyone else that he holds dear. As it stands, Rue is comfortable and almost desperately clinging to the relationships that he has with Swift and Vash. These are the people at Camp that he feels safest opening himself up to, and while he is close to them, there is still and emotional detatchment that was not present when Kimimaro was around. Caeru is afraid to open up again, and this is making it steadily more difficult to play him. Forming lasting relationships is becoming harder, and forming friendships in this state is nearly impossible.
As a Wraeththu, and especially as Rue, it is rather a simple thing to judge his state of mind -- though possibly an unusual way to do so. Since Kimimaro left, Caeru has only kissed one or two people. Again, this may not seem such a significant tell for most people, but for Rue for whom physical contact is merely part and parcle with the conversation, it is a grave concern.
His reluctance in this matter stems not only from Kimimaro's departure, but also his fear of destroying any relationships he might still have at Camp. Prior to Kimimaro leaving, Rue had another relationship truncated abruptly, and now afterwards he has found that Pell, whom he hoped to be able to turn to during this time, has found his own happiness elsewhere. While Caeru loves Pell very deeply, he cannot help but feel slightly betrayed having to witness his happiness when he himself is so miserable.
...
I'm not quite sure what to say here. I would love to offer reassurances that Rue was on his way to a recovery and would be his normal exuberant self in no time at all, but I don't know at this point if he will ever recover. It is a hard thing to admit to myself, but I will be doing my best to get him out to meet new people and try to keep his friendships alive. I cannot simply set aside his pain; it would be a betrayal to his characterization.
I suppose at the very most, I am simply asking for time -- for both him and myself -- as we try to work through this situation.
...
To Kimimaro-mun: Thank you. Thank you so much for the last year. Thank you for playing such a wonderful retard who was able to make Rue's life in Camp such a joy. Thank you for their arguments and their kisses. Thank you for playing with me and putting this off for so long. Thank you for giving him everything you had, and thank you for still being in camp so that I can continue to play off of your other characters -- you bring them to life in beautiful ways.
Almost a month ago, Kaguya Kimimaro left Camp Fuck You Die. Up until that moment when he disappeared, Caeru had not realized fully just how much he had come to depend on the ninja. They lived in the same cabin -- a private cabin with them as the only residents. They spent a great deal of time together each day, slept together at night, and Rue devoted even more time in his thoughts and movements and actions into including him. Even when they would spend days apart, simply knowing that Kimimaro was in Camp, and that they would be able to see each other at night was a relief and a comfort. It offered Rue a sactuary and happiness knowing that Kimimaro in his own very special way loved Rue just as much as Rue loved him. Being able to keep this in mind, Caeru was able to relax and find a peace that he otherwise would have never known at Camp.
When Kimimaro's time finally came to leave, Rue fell apart, and I as a player nearly lost him. I couldn't bring him out into posts. I didn't know how to play him. He was very, very, really broken. Any time that I considered bringing him out, his voice crumbled in my head and turned to dust. I am very grateful, and I have no doubt that the timing of Kimimaro's drop, just before a forced hiatus for Rue, is one of the only things that has allowed me to keep him as a character. There was no way that I could have played him during that first week, and I know there were people who were concerned about Rue who wanted to play with him then, and I was grateful for the reason not to.
I... very nearly dropped him multiple times during the last month. It's devistating to have him so completely undone, and I'm truly thankful to Swift's help and understanding because without their post together, Caeru would not be in Camp right now. Rue was finally allowed not only to grieve, but to grieve openly and in peace with possibly the only other person that Rue is comfortable showing that depth of emotions.
Right now, Rue is very slowly pulling himself back together. He's testing and attempting to establish the bonds he has, and there are always plenty of people that he can speak with for light conversations. He is more and more often pulling on his "public" persona, closing off his emotions in order to keep himself and his heart safe from losing anyone else that he holds dear. As it stands, Rue is comfortable and almost desperately clinging to the relationships that he has with Swift and Vash. These are the people at Camp that he feels safest opening himself up to, and while he is close to them, there is still and emotional detatchment that was not present when Kimimaro was around. Caeru is afraid to open up again, and this is making it steadily more difficult to play him. Forming lasting relationships is becoming harder, and forming friendships in this state is nearly impossible.
As a Wraeththu, and especially as Rue, it is rather a simple thing to judge his state of mind -- though possibly an unusual way to do so. Since Kimimaro left, Caeru has only kissed one or two people. Again, this may not seem such a significant tell for most people, but for Rue for whom physical contact is merely part and parcle with the conversation, it is a grave concern.
His reluctance in this matter stems not only from Kimimaro's departure, but also his fear of destroying any relationships he might still have at Camp. Prior to Kimimaro leaving, Rue had another relationship truncated abruptly, and now afterwards he has found that Pell, whom he hoped to be able to turn to during this time, has found his own happiness elsewhere. While Caeru loves Pell very deeply, he cannot help but feel slightly betrayed having to witness his happiness when he himself is so miserable.
...
I'm not quite sure what to say here. I would love to offer reassurances that Rue was on his way to a recovery and would be his normal exuberant self in no time at all, but I don't know at this point if he will ever recover. It is a hard thing to admit to myself, but I will be doing my best to get him out to meet new people and try to keep his friendships alive. I cannot simply set aside his pain; it would be a betrayal to his characterization.
I suppose at the very most, I am simply asking for time -- for both him and myself -- as we try to work through this situation.
...
To Kimimaro-mun: Thank you. Thank you so much for the last year. Thank you for playing such a wonderful retard who was able to make Rue's life in Camp such a joy. Thank you for their arguments and their kisses. Thank you for playing with me and putting this off for so long. Thank you for giving him everything you had, and thank you for still being in camp so that I can continue to play off of your other characters -- you bring them to life in beautiful ways.