a trip to wesleyan, the quad and trying to figure out what the hell is going on....
so for the last hour or so i have been really thinking. what the hell am i truely doing with myself at school? do i enjoy it? sometimes yes, a lot of times no. I mean of course i love most of the people i'vemeet here but the only thing that keeps me motivated is ROTC. its something that i have found to be very enjoyable for me. and for the most part, I'm good at it. everything else on the other hand doesnt really make me feel all that great.
as i left wesleyan tonight, i began to think. the experience of watching a room full students, my peers (well somewhat, but i'll get tto that later), truely enjoy thier college life. All i could do was sit back and pretend that i felt the smae way. but honestly i dont.
I just seem to be a shell nowadays. going through the motions and doing what I know i need to do just to graduate and stay on trak. nothing more, nothing less. should I be fine with average?
i dont know.
anyways, college is spposed to be the time when one can let loose and be free of the contraints that were forced upon in high school. now that i am "free" i seem tobe more tenative that ever. it may not have helped thesituation at the comedy show that i was at wesleyn. the one place where i can guaruntee one thing. i can be sure that as soon as those students know i am from ISU, i will be looked down upon. it may not be intentional by them but its true. i can even caught my friends hinting that they may be better. this is not just the case with wesleyan, but i onlybring it up becuase of recent situations. i feel that i am look down upon because i: dont have a girlfriend, dont get straight a's, dont go to the best school, am in ROTC, am a little overwieght. GOD ALL THIS SHIT MAKES ME SO SELF CONSCIENCE!
i went for a walk after i got home because it is difficult to think with ur roommate dry humping his girlfriend on the futon. i brought my cigar, lit it and walk to the quad. i was asking myself the same thing. "What am I missing?" Was it a girl? jeezz its been so long since a i was involved with a girl that my family probably thinks i am gay! i just freeze up like a pathetic school boy whenever i am around a girl so there goes my chances at the moment. "What was i missing?" i couldnt think of an answer..... well i mean i could think of things i am lacking but i guess i wantd to try and find the main thing wrong with my self so i could hone in a improveit. nothing....
i try so hard to be the center of attention wherever i am. just so reenforcment for my own sake to convince myself that others might want me around. know this whole thing sounds like a "poor me" statement but i jsut have to get all this out.
other than this fuckin' thing, where can i go to talk? my friends? nah they are either drunk as hell or really dont wanna hear this. anyways i dont think there are really any friends that i have that i can go and express how i feel. thy all come tome for helpwith thier felings but seem toturn away when i have something. i donno, thats the impression i get.
do i call my family? nah i'm not gunna talk to me mom ordad about this crap. so that leaves my bro. the one guy that i can trust and tell anything to.... well he'sin louisiana doing army shit, so no contact there. all i got is this livejournal thing that is full of shit i'drather forget about but agian at least it gives me an outlet.
i dont know if anyone will read thi. but i dont really care. i got things to work out i guess and ill have to do it on my own. but for shits and giggles, if anyone does rad this and can gve mepointers on how to maybeimprove this situation, please dont refrain from telling me.
vincent van gogh once said, "One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it." hmm seems like that may fit the situation.. i dunno.
welli gotta get ready for bed and hopefully get ready for the one really bright spot in mylife, the Bears.