Slow-Motion Failure (Bummed Out)
Called Mom for Mother's Day. Her sister sent her a card, The Hub and I sent her an Amazon gift certificate, and my brother brought in dinner and gave her some DVDs of shows she likes. Oh, and he planted marigolds for her. She seemed happiest about that, sort of bashful. She's generally not great with plants, but loves them. I think they'll do okay if she ignores them a little.
Today I have an interview for a call center. For a chain of spas. Good things: it's a job, and I need money. The pay's not less than Borders--almost, but not quite the same: $10.12 at the end of B-Mart. I can get there on one bus in about 30 minutes.
Bad things: back to retail, pretty much--sales and upsales, working weekends and holidays, and spending a lot of time with people I have little/nothing in common with. I know the last thing will pretty much always happen, but it's part of what I dislike about being an adult. It's rather like being a kid: lots of time spent with people you don't choose. College was fine. Stressful, but at least I had some control over my peer circle, time to read and be alone, and no fear of where food and housing was coming from. I'm still paying for that, though. Student loans.
I think the worst part of interviewing is the possible no. Even when the job is something I don't especially want, I still want those hiring to find me suitable. There's also not getting the job, but not knowing why. I assume that if lack of qualifications is the reason, I wouldn't have been contacted for an interview. If it's my personality, there's no way to find out what the specifics are. It's hard not to take this personally. I've done and re-done my resumes, have loads of different cover letters, and have talked to a couple of people at a local organization that helps people find work. We've looked over my resumes and talked, they've met me and know me, I've taken their advice, and here I am, still in need of a job. Hopefully a decent job that doesn't leave me crying after every shift, but that's asking for a lot at this point.
I don't really talk about this with people anymore, since they think I'm exaggerating. They start giving me the pep talk and compliment me, but don't seem to have any advice about how not to feel shitty. On the other hand, maybe this is a depression-anxiety issue. No one wants to deal with anxious depressives. It's scary and possibly contagious. Being overly aware of this feeling in other people makes it very difficult to stay in therapy. In closer relationships with other people, there's a tendency to pull back and not share much, too. You just feel like you're bothering people.
If you're the kind of person who wants to help, where does that impulse come from: a desire to get the spotlight away from yourself, a need to hear someone's worse off, or a genuine need to aid other people? Sometimes, it's hard to tell.
Time to get ready for the interview. I'm supposed to summon up some high-energy perk from somewhere. I'll cry when I get home. Despair can ride in the back seat.