leaning on this broken fence between past and present tense
i'm only about halfway through it right now, but i am reading the sound and the fury for american lit and i officially take back anything negative i ever said about faulkner last year when i destested reading spotted horses because this is definitely one of my favorite novels ever and now i have this weird urge to just write lots of stuff in this long drawn out stream of consciousness which will be totally confusing and i don't expect anyone reading this to understand but it's okay because at least i am updating this thing you know? today was really nice outside and spring-like and it made me realize i don't want my favorite month to come around so fast like it always does i'm running out of time to do things i want and i don't want college to go by as fast as it is and i know this year will rule really hard and i wish it would go slower i have this weird obsession with numbers and for some reason the odd numbered years are always awesome and the even numbered years always suck even though things aren't exactly the way i would have hoped they would be this year but it's still good. sometimes i feel bad about this because i feel like such a hypocrite i'm playing all these stupid games that i swore i'd never play but it almost feels okay and all the things you've ever said to me keep resonating in my head and i always think the same way but i'm starting to think i shouldn't and i'm starting to think that maybe you've just been horribly wrong all this time i shouldn't be as stubborn as i am, but i am i feel like i got peer pressured into this and part of me feels bad even though i wanted this to happen anyway even without my friends telling me it's a good idea but how would they know anyway and i want to not feel bad but i know that feeling and i can't feel that way about anyone else and it sucks and it's unfair and it makes me think that i was right when i said a long time ago that it seems impossible for two people to like each other equally but i try not to think too much about it. because as much as i'm thinking too much and second-guessing myself about every little thing i think i like how everything has turned out so far or at least i don't regret it and i want to go back to that night because it was beautiful and clear and peaceful and we could see so much and the breeze didn't feel cold even though it was after midnight and i was with one of my favorite people and i talked to the big dipper as it was transitting and we stood there shivering with our blue scarves and blue eyes looking at the moon through binoculars and making jokes about its terminator i wish all nights were filled with adventures like that even though you wanted to listen to shitty screamo bands and do homework and on the hike back down i tested out this feeling that i don't know what to make of and halo my middle a hoola hoop hug squeeze to warm and ribs stab heart it was epic but i thought it would have been more so and i rediscovered my love for cap'n jazz and then i had this dream that everything went back to normal and you talked to me again and we played our guitars and halo my middle i didn't want you to leave but you did and i woke up and almost missed my music theory class staying up until two a.m. talking about intervals and the larry arms and you were so impressed when i knew what a dorian scale was and i miss you so much and i don't think what i did was so bad anymore or at least i'm not beating myself up over it but that could just be because of all the distractions but i'm keeping them around anyways and i have no idea what will come of any of this but at least i know next weekend will be fun even though they won't be there so dull without you but new york for the weekend + meeting these arms are snakes will make me the happiest girl alive and that is all that matters to me right now. <3