we're just divided by words.
I wanted to start this entry off with a quote, but Greg borrowed my Salad Days book a couple days ago when he was over, so no quote, but one of my favorite conversations in that novel was when Norm said that that he didn't celebrate Thanksgiving, and that gluttony is the American way.
I don't like holidays anymore. It's nice seeing people, but it's mostly just a distraction from other things I could be doing that are more important.
Also I did not eat an actual meal all day. I don't like turkey, so I just had raw veggies and bread and cookies and pie. ugh. I hate eating like that.
I've decided that I think I want to make it a new years resolution to *try* and become a vegetarian, although I don't think I will be able to do it for very long. The only meat I even like/eat is tuna and chicken, but I pretty much live off of tuna grinders from Subway, so, maybe I'll just quit eating chicken and eat only fish. We'll see. But it's something I've wanted to try for a while, I just haven't had the time to seek out and try new foods and stuff, and I've always felt bad going out to eat with my friends and ordering chicken since most people I hang out with are vegetarians.
Also, I do not like holidays because I do not like the endless slew of questions that the relatives always probe me with. Everyone on my mom's side of the family thinks I'm gay because I've never had a boyfriend, and they're just ignorant in general, which is why I don't spend holidays with them anymore, but the conversations I hate the most are when people, and this actually isn't just relatives, ask me what I'm going to do after I graduate. Because I can't give them a straight answer that will make them happy. The other night I was trying to do some research on grad school, I really only want to go if I'm going for music, and I would really like to have a masters in music technology. That's always been what I want to do. And I looked at a few schools online (when I should have been doing homework so I can fucking get my bachelors degree first =/ ) and a lot of places require you to have a bachelors in music to get a masters in music tech. Which I fucking hate, because when I declared my major, the lady in the English office told me that I could use my English degree to do anything else in grad school, including music. But. I don't think NYU requires you to already have a degree in music, or at least I didn't see anything about it on their site, they just give you placement tests in theory and history which would probably be easy, but it's expensive as hell and I don't know if I want to live in New York for two years. Cities are nice to go on trips to but I do not actually want to live in one.
Lately I've been noticing the perfectionist in me coming out more. It sucks, but it's good at the same time, because I like to push myself and give myself challenges. This whole Thanksgiving break has sucked because I've just been sleeping and working and not really doing anything productive, and I hate that. I want to get all As this semester, but I know I'm going to do horribly in restoration lit, and the highest grade I can get in modern novel if I get a 100 on both the last paper and the final is an 89, so now I pretty much hate myself for not giving a shit about that class earlier in the semester, because it could have been such an easy A if I had just tried instead of bitching about the class all the time. But now I'll have to settle for a B+. I want my GPA for the semester to be at least a 3.5 or I'll be pissed, it's been a solid 3.3 ever since I transferred to UConn and I hate that because it was a 3.94 at UNH. (when you transfer, only credits transfer and not your grades/GPA. super lame!)
Also, I'm confusing myself so much about boys. I've been doing it all semester, but now I really don't know what to do anymore. The super awkward one whom I briefly mentioned last entry calls me every now and then, but I never pick up the phone and I delete all his voicemails without calling him back. And I finally understand the other one's logic now, how he would always tell me that we shouldn't hang out a lot because I'll get my hopes up and think that means we're gonna go out, and I always told him that was a stupid way to think, but I'm the same god damn way.
I want to talk to him. So fucking bad. But I'm afraid.
Everytime I try, he won't let me get a word in, is a total jerk, and I go home crying. I haven't tried since July. I don't know what to do. I just want us to be friends again, this is fucking stupid, and I don't even agree with anything I said that made him pissed off in the first place. It was a year ago! I don't even remember anything that was in that note except for the one sentence that pissed you off. And I only wrote that one sentence because, for a couple of years, I was convinced that the only reason you never liked me was because I don't look like all the other girls you like, so I figured you probably thought I was totally ugly. Dumb way of thinking, I know. But guess what? It was a year ago. I don't think like that anymore, hokay?
And I know I'm not ugly, but it would be nice if a cute boy actually said it to me and meant it, instead of weird awkward ones. I deserve way better than any of them.
And there is this boy in one of my classes that I think is sort of cute and I have come to the conclusion that he likes good music, and sometimes if we lock eyes from across the room he smiles and I wonder if he thinks I'm sort of cute too. But we have only ever spoken very little and there is only one week left in the semester, so I guess unless next week is epic times a million, I should just stop thinking about this whole thing. Because the most important thing that's still floating around in my mind is trying to have some sort of truce with the other boy. Not because I need it, because I'm perfectly capable of venting to other people and sorting out my problems myself, but because he is my favorite person in the world to talk to, and I like life better when he's around, and I miss him a lot.
Help?
I don't like holidays anymore. It's nice seeing people, but it's mostly just a distraction from other things I could be doing that are more important.
Also I did not eat an actual meal all day. I don't like turkey, so I just had raw veggies and bread and cookies and pie. ugh. I hate eating like that.
I've decided that I think I want to make it a new years resolution to *try* and become a vegetarian, although I don't think I will be able to do it for very long. The only meat I even like/eat is tuna and chicken, but I pretty much live off of tuna grinders from Subway, so, maybe I'll just quit eating chicken and eat only fish. We'll see. But it's something I've wanted to try for a while, I just haven't had the time to seek out and try new foods and stuff, and I've always felt bad going out to eat with my friends and ordering chicken since most people I hang out with are vegetarians.
Also, I do not like holidays because I do not like the endless slew of questions that the relatives always probe me with. Everyone on my mom's side of the family thinks I'm gay because I've never had a boyfriend, and they're just ignorant in general, which is why I don't spend holidays with them anymore, but the conversations I hate the most are when people, and this actually isn't just relatives, ask me what I'm going to do after I graduate. Because I can't give them a straight answer that will make them happy. The other night I was trying to do some research on grad school, I really only want to go if I'm going for music, and I would really like to have a masters in music technology. That's always been what I want to do. And I looked at a few schools online (when I should have been doing homework so I can fucking get my bachelors degree first =/ ) and a lot of places require you to have a bachelors in music to get a masters in music tech. Which I fucking hate, because when I declared my major, the lady in the English office told me that I could use my English degree to do anything else in grad school, including music. But. I don't think NYU requires you to already have a degree in music, or at least I didn't see anything about it on their site, they just give you placement tests in theory and history which would probably be easy, but it's expensive as hell and I don't know if I want to live in New York for two years. Cities are nice to go on trips to but I do not actually want to live in one.
Lately I've been noticing the perfectionist in me coming out more. It sucks, but it's good at the same time, because I like to push myself and give myself challenges. This whole Thanksgiving break has sucked because I've just been sleeping and working and not really doing anything productive, and I hate that. I want to get all As this semester, but I know I'm going to do horribly in restoration lit, and the highest grade I can get in modern novel if I get a 100 on both the last paper and the final is an 89, so now I pretty much hate myself for not giving a shit about that class earlier in the semester, because it could have been such an easy A if I had just tried instead of bitching about the class all the time. But now I'll have to settle for a B+. I want my GPA for the semester to be at least a 3.5 or I'll be pissed, it's been a solid 3.3 ever since I transferred to UConn and I hate that because it was a 3.94 at UNH. (when you transfer, only credits transfer and not your grades/GPA. super lame!)
Also, I'm confusing myself so much about boys. I've been doing it all semester, but now I really don't know what to do anymore. The super awkward one whom I briefly mentioned last entry calls me every now and then, but I never pick up the phone and I delete all his voicemails without calling him back. And I finally understand the other one's logic now, how he would always tell me that we shouldn't hang out a lot because I'll get my hopes up and think that means we're gonna go out, and I always told him that was a stupid way to think, but I'm the same god damn way.
I want to talk to him. So fucking bad. But I'm afraid.
Everytime I try, he won't let me get a word in, is a total jerk, and I go home crying. I haven't tried since July. I don't know what to do. I just want us to be friends again, this is fucking stupid, and I don't even agree with anything I said that made him pissed off in the first place. It was a year ago! I don't even remember anything that was in that note except for the one sentence that pissed you off. And I only wrote that one sentence because, for a couple of years, I was convinced that the only reason you never liked me was because I don't look like all the other girls you like, so I figured you probably thought I was totally ugly. Dumb way of thinking, I know. But guess what? It was a year ago. I don't think like that anymore, hokay?
And I know I'm not ugly, but it would be nice if a cute boy actually said it to me and meant it, instead of weird awkward ones. I deserve way better than any of them.
And there is this boy in one of my classes that I think is sort of cute and I have come to the conclusion that he likes good music, and sometimes if we lock eyes from across the room he smiles and I wonder if he thinks I'm sort of cute too. But we have only ever spoken very little and there is only one week left in the semester, so I guess unless next week is epic times a million, I should just stop thinking about this whole thing. Because the most important thing that's still floating around in my mind is trying to have some sort of truce with the other boy. Not because I need it, because I'm perfectly capable of venting to other people and sorting out my problems myself, but because he is my favorite person in the world to talk to, and I like life better when he's around, and I miss him a lot.
Help?