pity...fuck i feel sick!

[rude_punk_girl]

sometimes i disgust myself. with my self pity and feelings of lack of self worth. i feel like i have worth when i am at work, when i am at school, when i am with my boyfriend. but lately i feel incredibly less of worth in my friends eyes. i feel like if i write these in certain areas that people will just worry...ie alec. alec will just worry. he does so well to make me feel better.

but i don't hear from friends. i see them share their love with other people, and i feel left out. i feel as if i am not worthy of their love. or maybe these types of entries make them love me less.

how dare i question their love?!
its like when sean died i just questioned if he ever loved me.
many of my friends have shown me they care.
but right now i am falling into an abyss of shit, of craziness, of chaoticness. and i feel like my friends should be way excited when i am around, because i am so busy that i don't tend to be around. but instead i feel like its not a novelty that i am around. cause why would anyone care?

i know i can't just excommunicate myself at all because alec wouldn't let me cut off from everyone. cause he's my connection. i don't doubt that all of my friends are going through their own hard times. and i feel for that. i really do. but in some selfish way why i can't i feel like i matter to these people?

i have to wonder who i am talking about really.
i know everyone has their sort of "group", and i felt it about a month ago. but right now...i feel like i am on an island.

anyone wanna visit once and awhile?

fuck i feel pathetic.