for muses_inthesack: 49 tag challenge with banished_dame

[rude_not_ginger]

There's a first time for everything.

Follows this.He couldn't sleep, of course. It wasn't as if he'd truly tried. He'd stripped off his clothes, showered, shaved, puttered about in his jim-jams, but never really found his way to his own bed. His arm didn't hurt nearly so bad anymore, but he couldn't seem to stop his stomach from aching. Too

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[rude_not_ginger]

He thought that it shouldn't have been difficult to say something like that. Something like 'I love you' or even something similar. He'd cooed the words to the TARDIS before, he even remembered saying them once to a particularly delightful ice cream sundae. But to say them where they meant more than just affection, where they meant love as in the "L is for the way you look at me" sort of way...well, it was terrifying. And he was a coward by trade. Or at least by hobby.

And she did know. He knew she knew. How did he know? He didn't know. It was one of the many mysteries of life, along with how did Rose know he'd had a bad day when his expression looked as jovial as it did the day before when he did have a good day. And where the socks go when he puts them in the wash and---

Any train of thought he might've had was silenced instantly by Rose's mouth on his neck. More than just the breath, which he could handle, it was pressure and warmth and completely unexpected. He didn't have time to control his blood flow to his face, which instantly developed a slight blush, or other parts of his body that were not supposed to be active at a moment like this. He found his breathing was suddenly irregular, and his heartsrate which was already a little high seemed to skyrocket. There was a good proper snog, which they'd experienced, and then there was this. This was different and confusing. And wonderful. And terrifying. And the hand at her back suddenly moved her towards him involuntarily.

She breathed the words into his ear and he closed his eyes, savoring the sensation and the words. She loved him. He knew she loved him, she'd said it before and even if she hadn't she always showed him. Always. Even the frustrating bits of their time together. No, maybe especially during the frustrating bits, because that just made her so much more of a challenge, that much more a person who could stand up to him at his worst.

"Yes," he murmured by way of a return sentiment, letting out a shaky breath. "Yes."

It didn't feel like enough.

[banished_dame]

It wasn't the usual application of words he usually had on deck for when she said it, no 'Quite right.' that made her feel like what she'd said was practically useless, in fact the words she heard sounded almost a bit timid, and drawn back with a tremble in the breathlessness of it all. Rose let her mouth hover below his ear, her breath still pressing to his skin, her lips lingering for a moment wondering if she should continue, or just be satisfied with what she'd been given.

He'd given her so much already, such things that she'd never've dreamed of. Adventures, and new planets and universes, and times that were yet to come and had passed so long ago. He'd given her a link to him, a sight into who he was, and what he'd experienced. She'd seen that part of him, walked through doors and witnessed emotions... seen things she'd never would've seen if he hadn't loved her. Felt it too... she'd felt that love when she was linked to him on Gallifrey. Why was she so fixated on hearing it, why couldn't she just be settled with the way things were?

"I'm sorry..." her words pressed to him, as she slinked back down to settle against him, her forehead resting to his chest once more and her breath a bit shaky, because she didn't want the words if it meant that she'd pulled them from him. Everything was supposed to just work with them, and even with the therapy and the plans for forever... nothing was ever this difficult and she knew it was because she made it that way. Her hand moved to the nape of his neck resting there as she pulled in close to him. No longer letting the warmth of her breath press to skin she was now just settled easily beside him. "It's just... I always hear that bit. Thought maybe I needed the rest too, but I don't. I mean... I know... and I mean it when I say I know."

Pulling back she met his eyes with such earnest and honesty, "I know Doctor, I've always known."

[rude_not_ginger]

The Doctor did not make a disappointed noise in his throat as she pulled away. To his credit, he was able to control himself and merely accept her slinking away, even if the hand at her back didn't release quite as easily. She needed to rest, not to be...uh, unrestfuled by him. No matter how much he wanted to. And he did, he realized, which was a fairly terrifying thing. There were a lot of terrifying things going on here.

"Rose," he shifted, just a little, so he could look at her properly. "It's easy for some blokes, you know? Saying things like emotional feelings. Well, depending on the self-help book you read." But for others...in the Doctor's life it equated to a promise he couldn't give her, like forever. He wanted to give her forever, but that just wasn't possible.

"I think...if I thought you didn't know, well, I doubt I would then. But if I thought you didn't know, I'd worry that I'd have to tell you. But you do. You know. Course you know. And...I think I've moved into a rambling stage..."

After being speechless, it appeared the words had suffered some sort of a backlog and suddenly needed to be said in rapid succession. And he felt that with each one he was probably digging himself into a very deep hole from which he would never return.

He took a breath. "Ne''errate," he said, the slight clicking noise sounding very nearly foreign to him after all the years of English. "It's the equivalent of love. Adoration. In a possessive, to the person being spoken to." He smiled. "The Beatles could set it to a song."

[banished_dame]

Now she felt like she'd broken whatever spell had been cast upon them as they lay there. The silence now flooded with words, and excuses and explanations that didn't need to be said. Her own words replaying in her head felt trite and unneeded, and now he was trying to make it seem that everything was simply because he was just one of those guys that couldn't put that sort of emotion behind a word. Rose knew he wasn't one of those guys though, she'd known that from the day she met him and opted to take a trip through time.

She nodded as he made mention of his rambles, still meeting his eyes her fingers grazed against his cheek a bit unsure of what was coming next. But then the word he said... it meant something to him and it should've to her too, but it didn't make her feel the way she wanted to feel. It was nice, it was a beautiful word even in the random click of whatever it was going on, but it didn't hold emotion for her. It was like going to France hoping to meet some French man and fall in love to hear him tell you wonderful things in that accent with his language. It's beautiful to hear but it doesn't connect to your heart the way it should. It doesn't feel like love, it feels... like words.

Still she smiled, and nodded, trying to see the emotion in him at least, to be sated by that look in his eyes, and the smile she knew was the one for her and no one else. Rose still felt that need to hear the words, but now they'd been trampled over so much that if he said them now it'd feel like she'd literally pulled them out of him. She knew she didn't want that at all, not now... not really ever. It was why she'd pulled away from his neck, from the spot beneath his ear. Now she wanted to pull away more, to retract it all so that she didn't feel this lack of emotion in her again. She wanted to feel though, anything but nothing, anything but the hurt and this was supposed to take that away. Instead it had shifted it onto something else... something she never quite could get over.

And maybe it was a bit spiteful but she still wanted to reply to the emotion he'd given to her in his own words, despite the lack of connect to her, "Quite right."

[rude_not_ginger]

Is that really what it sounded like? He must've seemed like an enormous bastard back on the beach, then. Saying something like his own language to her was hard enough, but it seemed almost like it was useless. Even worse, it wasn't enough. He'd done something wrong. Dammit. He was so completely and utterly horrible at this. It was why he continually promised himself no love. No love because then he couldn't inadvertently hurt someone. Okay, it was really because he didn't want to get hurt, but the former reason was a good factor, too.

He sighed and relaxed again. The moment before with her in his arms and they were...it appeared to have passed. He missed it. Why was he always doing that? Always missing things, important things.

"You know---"

No. No, continually talking wouldn't fix this situation. He silenced and leaned back, giving her more space. How quickly things changed, turned from one emotion to the next and he was always one minute behind. He thought about kissing her, but that felt like a 'too late'.

He looked up at the ceiling of her room. His mind was impossibly quiet, which was unfair. Loud and buzzing during moments he wanted silence and now that the silence was uncomfortable his mind wouldn't give him noise.

[banished_dame]

Her chest ached, and what hurt more was that she knew it was her fault. She'd forced it, pushed this situation onto them when all they needed was for her to just do as she always did. She'd accepted his words so often as fact, as proof that she didn't need to know, but for some reason time felt so very small, even in the TARDIS where anything was possible... time felt limited.

Dean had a year, and that was gone, and she wanted forever... which wasn't a possibility at all. Rose thought maybe a compromise would be to have love returned to her, to have the words that meant something to her spoken from the man she loved. Knowing it was one thing she figured, but hearing it would do something... it should've done something to her. Made her lighter... or heavier or... just complete.

They had been though, moments before she spoke, when she was pressed against him and breathing him into her. Before she tried to force something from him, and before her apology that ended up spiraling away from her as he tried to fix it. Now the one thing she wanted, the solace and the comfort had simply slipped from her fingers and she hated that. It felt like this space of air in her now, this gap of something she wanted out of her so badly but had no way of ridding herself of it. It pulled through her and knotted her stomach up to the point where the only way she knew she didn't want to feel was suddenly taking over her. All the pain and emotion from the day had never really gone away, it had instead hidden itself behind the smile and the way the Doctor felt coming back to her. The return... had been worth the wait.

Why couldn't she wait now? Why was waiting so difficult for her to do, what had changed that made her so impatient that everything felt like it had to be now or she'd lose the chance? The chance seemed to have already passed as it was, but... she knew that really with them there was always another chance.

An apology felt right, but somehow it felt hollow as well. Not suited for the way she'd so easily dismissed something that she knew was important to him. Her body shifted away from him, lying on her back once more but still close enough that she could almost feel him turn a bit from her as well. This wasn't right. This clearly wasn't right at all.

Exhaling her hand pushed to her forehead, the near exasperated sound coming from her was holding back other emotions she was trying to stifle. The hurt, the pain, the disconnected feeling she felt trying to pull her backward. A part of her almost cried, and the other almost exclaimed that she'd slept with Dean on her birthday. The inner turmoil that was present in her was eating a hole in her and she hated feeling like this, and she hated knowing that the one person she thought she could feel the most at ease with was right beside her and she still felt like this. Her breathing felt too shallow now, held up by everything that was stuck inside of her clinging to her sides and her lungs and everything. All she wanted to do was breath in deep and let it out but she was scared that if she did that she'd cry and that was the very, very last thing she wanted right now. Rose let her lips part to pull in whatever air she could as she stared up at the ceiling before she sat up in bed for a bit. Her hair fell around her shoulders, a bit of a mess after all the shifting around she'd done. Her hand moved to the back of her head to try and fix it but the feeling of it sort of matted a bit felt like it couldn't really be fixed with her fingers.

"Just... don't go anywhere. I'm not going far, just-" Rose paused meeting the Doctor's curious gaze, "Something I want to show you."

[rude_not_ginger]

His gaze on the ceiling shifted to Rose as she sat up. She looked upset. Not in the 'bout-to-burst into tears sort of upset, but the kind where her eyebrows were strained from keeping it in. He wanted to tell her that it was all right, she could let it out in front of him and trust him, but fat lot of good he was with emotions, as the previous few minutes indicated.

"I won't," he promised as she moved. Where was she going? Well, that was the question. But he wasn't about to disappear again. But her leaving would just leave him with all of his thoughts.

It took the Doctor a few moments to realize that he was being rather thick. Not an uncommon thing for him, but it was particularly thick in this moment. He had to think about things logically.

1) Why was he here?
a) Because Rose needed him.

Did she need to be lectured on Gallifreyan languages or made more awkward by his thick thickety emotions? No. No, he should've thought of her. It was something she'd said before that he was terrible at and she was right. He thought about the Doctor. And the Doctor messed this up.

Whatever it was.

No. No, he'd be fooling himself if he pretended that he didn't know what it was. It was changing, but it wasn't changing into something unrecognizable.

[banished_dame]

Off the bed her fingers moved to the edge of her panties tugging it back a bit over her rear unsure just how much she'd been showing the Doctor while she moved to her dresser but now not even sure if it mattered. Running her hand through her hair a bit she pulled the top drawer open and shifted a few things around until she found the small box. She'd swapped it out since returning to the TARDIS, placing other things that were important to her in there. Things from her Mum and Dad... from the world on the other side of the wall. Her fingers sifted through the smaller things until she found what she'd been looking for. It was really the smallest bit of something but still it was what she needed to find. Placing it in her palm she moved back to the bed, crawling into it over the Doctor's legs and to settle back beside him.

"Gimmie your hand," Rose asked and the Doctor obliged her holding it up for her. Her hand took his for a moment and placed the small glass ornament in the palm of his hand. It was a tiny little star that had a crack at one tip, and was missing the one where the hook would've hung it to the branch. Still she knew what it'd been, knew what it was from.

"See I met you three times yeah? Once at Henriks. Mean you sort of met me... but still. That was the first. Then more recent. I came back. Mean I didn't want to go, but still I was gone and I came back and I met you again. You'd changed, sort of... like I changed too. Bit bolshy of me y'think?" Rose teased a bit smiling at him feeling almost a bit better now that she'd put her focus back where it belonged. This was what was important, the little things... like this small thing in the palm of his hand.

"But I met you, Doctor Christmas Day. It wasn't really the best meeting. Askin' you to change back, and not really sure what to do, but... see I asked for your help, and you did. It wasn't even like any other option. You weren't even ready to I bet, and you still did. Put it all on the line, and you were there. You kept me safe. You always do. Even when you say the wrong thing, or try to make it better with something else that doesn't quite get there? Mean I know..." her eyes met his as she closed her hand around his letting the glass be held in his closed fist now.

"I know." Rose repeated, "I know because I have this. This small broken ornament from a tree that wasn't even mine. Wasn't even the families, but nearly killed us all, and I took it because I knew that this was important. This moment. Remembering that no matter what? You'll keep me safe." Drawing in a breath Rose inhaled deep. "When... when you left me on Gallifrey you did it to keep me safe. Coming back? Telling me the truth? You did it because you knew I could handle it, but I know part of you wanted to keep me from that truth. You wanted to protect me from that hurt." Her hand left his to hold the glass star on his own, "I know you can't say it because you're protecting me, but I also know that it's more cause you've got to protect yourself. It's just that there's gonna be a time when... when those words are going to be able to keep me safe. When I'll hear them, and I'll have that," Rose let her voice drop a bit to mock herself, "very human reaction to them, because those words mean something to me. Just like this star meant something to me. This was the start, and it's yours now, because I want you to remember that you keep me safe. Even when I don't want you to, but I know why Doctor, and it's going to be that way forever." Her use of the word felt right, it felt like it belonged there too. Because that was something she'd have forever.

[rude_not_ginger]

The star was tiny and felt impossibly fragile in his hands. It was so sweet, the keeping something from the first time they met. Well, met in this incarnation, at least. It was fairly impossible to keep something from the first time they met.

"When I was young," he said. "Don't you hate it when stories start out like that? When I was young, I kept a box. Little thing, first stones from places I'd been, toys, bills, that sort of thing. After a while paper yellows and glass becomes more fragile. I stopped collecting when I broke Susan's first rattle, I think. Silly thing to get that upset over." He shook his head. "Now I just keep memories."

And his memory was infallible. He never forgot his companions, the places they'd been, what they'd experienced, even if he wanted to. And sometimes he really wanted to. Never with Rose, not even when he was grieving for her after Canary Warf. No, he kept each memory sealed up and safe. Safe, like she'd said.

All the same, he placed the glass star on her nightstand. It meant something to her, like the words he couldn't quite say. He didn't understand, maybe he just wasn't human enough. But he wouldn't disrespect her a second time. There had to be a place on his desk for the star. He'd find it. One day, he'd break it; he broke everything he loved. Until then, he'd keep it.

"Thank you, Rose."

As he moved back, he leaned forward and kissed her. Just once, just something quick and almost chaste. He was allowed one kiss of appreciation, wasn't he? To show the gift meant something to him?

[banished_dame]

Rose listened to him for a moment, drawing her knees up beside her so that her legs were beneath her a bit. That slight lean she had to rest herself against the headboard and slightly atop her pillows still. She watched the glass star get placed to her nightstand and watched the Doctor move in closer to her. The kiss was soft and as she returned it she let her forehead rest to his a bit. Just a small moment where her eyes shut and she drew in a breath through parted lips before her tongue crossed over their surface wetting them. That stillness had settled back around them and Rose took that as a good thing, a sign that there really wasn't anything they couldn't make it through. All the hurt and the pain and the spiteful comment she knew she'd made in anger, all were behind them. Her chin tipped down again meeting his mouth and pressing a more lingering kiss to his mouth. It wasn't about needing him, or wanting him in that moment it was about loving him, and knowing that he loved her.

It was the sort of kiss that made her pulse race a bit, not because it was making her breathing faster and harder, or that her lips were parting to some frenzied pace trying to take in more of him, anything of him, it was for the simplest reasons of all, and those were the most important. He was there for her, and she was there for him, and maybe in the moment that was what they should've needed. Her hand rested to the nape of his neck once more, thumb straying against the ends of short hair that rested there as she let her kiss continue to press upon him. When she finally pulled back, finally let her forehead return to his she smiled softly for a moment. Knowing that words at this point might be futile she instead exhaled rather dramatically as if that was quite the impressive display that they'd embarked upon.

[rude_not_ginger]

It felt good, it felt right, like holding her when his mind wasn't racing. It wasn't forced, it wasn't strange. They just kissed, slow and (dare he say it?) lovingly. Her hand was warm against his neck and he could feel her pulse under her fingertips. The steady (though slightly increasing) single heartbeat versus his double. His overactive mind was blessedly silent and he could focus on it completely, the steady bum-bum-bum of her heart in his ears.

This was a good sort of kiss, he decided. He rather liked it, in fact, and put "kissing Rose just like this" on his "top 10 things for the last 100 years". He'd have to do it again, so it could go on the "frequently done top 10 things" list as well.

When they broke apart, she pressed her forehead to his and he smiled. Steps forward, not staying completely stagnant but not leaping into things he wasn't quite ready for? It felt like a good compromise. He thought about saying something (silence was usually a good indicator that he needed to be talking), but the companionable-ness to the silence had returned. He liked that, as well.

He raised up a hand to cup her cheek. His Rose. Silly, the possessive. She was his companion as much as he was hers, but she wasn't truly his. Still, the possessive stuck with him.

He grinned a little wider at her hair and the memory of her tugging at her knickers as she walked around the room. He tucked a lock of her hair behind one ear. It was very domestic, seeing her like this, mussed and make-up free and only barely dressed. And yet, it wasn't. It was the way their relationship was changing.

It was right, too, like the little slightly damaged star that represented the beginning of this journey. A little off, a little broken, but good.

[banished_dame]

Rose let her body settle along his again, where she felt like for the moment it belonged. Lying back beside him she could breathe easier, more complete. Eased against him her leg shifted to tuck against his a bit, not quite as entangled as before, but enough to just give her presence against him. Her head rested easy against his chest hearing the steady beat of his heart on the side she was pressed to. Her hand strayed over his shirt as well, just a light pattern of fingertips making no real sense of symbol or word until she had the thought to even do it. By then though she wasn't even sure what to draw against him with her fingers.

Her bed felt warm, the heat from the two of them sinking into it and surrounding her the way the silence had once more. Bringing a still to the room that both of them needed, that both of them would be better for. She wanted to laugh to think that the Doctor's mind was still rattling around with a hundred... at least a hundred thoughts. She was impressed he stayed quiet though, no doubt nearly every fiber of him wanting to fill up the room with something.

Her hand lay flat to his chest, her palm feeling the press of the buttons against the heel of her hand. Raising her fingers up like a spider on his chest she circled around them in a figure eight for a bit before letting her hand settle back down. This was good, this was what she needed to just lay and rest and not really think about emotions or feelings or who she'd never see again.

[rude_not_ginger]

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and watched her hand toy with his jim-jam top. It was silly but comforting to have her do something so idle with his clothing. It felt familiar, safe. For all that Rose had told him he made her safe, there were many moments like this where she made him feel safe.

He traced similar figure eights onto her shoulder, though his ended in a loop and an infinity swirl at the center. Perhaps it was the heat of the moment before or just general exhaustion, but he felt sleepy. Really, genuinely sleepy. He felt strangely euphoric at that realization. He felt like he could be like Rose, and lie in bed and be sleepy and safe and comfortable with someone he loved.

It was borne out of unhappiness, but this moment also went up there on one of his top lists. They should have more moments like this, he decided.

[banished_dame]

Each breath Rose felt herself take in filled her lungs deep and felt clean and nearly as if she wasn't just breathing easier, but simply was better for it all. Her fingers tucked in a bit at the edge of the opening of his shirt. Fingers feeling the tautness of fabric puckered by buttons that kept it all together. She wasn't planning on bursting them open at the drop of a hat either. It was just something comforting to actually put her hold onto. The slight numbing sensation building against her shoulder was nice as well. The pattern traced from the Doctor's fingers over the thin material of her shirt made her smile and shut her eyes.

The day had worn on her. It had been long, and it had been one of the hardest she'd had recently. There were very few things that had taken this much out of her in the past and one of them left her waking up on the floor of the TARDIS with extra Huon in her bloodstream.

They both needed to rest, and for the first time since they'd joined each other in her bedroom, in her bed she actually felt like they could rest. There didn't seem to be anything else in the way. No unsaid words, or things needing to express. No limbs in awkward positions that would cramp up in a while.

Just them.

And that felt perfect.

That felt safe.

[rude_not_ginger]

He leaned forward enough to press another kiss to her hair.

Gentle, tired.

It felt like something broken was better. He couldn't tell what, but whatever it was had been repaired. Better now. Oh, nothing was ever completely perfect and 100% reliable in the Doctor's universe but now? Right now? It felt like it was.

His eyelids were heavy, he felt himself start to doze. That was rather impolite, his mind informed him, he should at least let his companion sleep first. After all, she would need more of it than he would. His body, however, refused to listen.

It would be the first time he'd slept with Rose. There was no small amount of humor in that statement, he was certain. It would be funnier in the morning. As much as mornings went in the Time Vortex.

[banished_dame]

Rose could feel the weight of his arm growing a bit heavier against her body. She'd had Mickey fall asleep on her a few times and knew that sensation of limbs feeling like dead weight upon her. The Doctor though was trying not to sleep and she could tell by the way his lungs filled with air in his chest, the echo of it sharp and slightly sudden. It made her smile to think that he was trying to stay up for her sake, to keep that curtain of safety she'd told him she knew he tried to keep around her.

Letting her head shift against his chest she pressed a soft kiss to beneath his chin, feeling that smoothness of skin against the warmth of her lips. Murmuring her words softly she smiled as she spoke a bit, "S'been a long day, longer for you... I'll drift eventually. Mean I'm halfway there as it is. Go to sleep, My Doctor."