(no subject)
sometimes when the comments are made to me and not some unidentifiable Reuters subject, i will admit that i hate being gay. for a fleeting moment when the rage subsides to hurt i think wouldn't it be easier.
but then i remember that is part of who i am. and that this is the same kind of thing that'll hafta be dealt with for the rest of my life.
coupla yokles hell.. about last thursday night came out of the woodwork and decided we should fight because i was a fag. i could go on about how i stood my ground and one was pulled away on the ground by his friend and blah blah, but there was no glory in that. just a sad exclamation point to the state of affairs of the world.
last eve i went to the porch to knock a few back w/ some mates. all day i'd heard comments, i'm on crutches and so i kept having to explain myself and generally feel useless. then that's so gay, this is so gay, god i hope they didn't think i was gay, blahblahblah. We all hear the shit, but every so often you,... well I can't help but Hear it.
the few friends i have at the moment haven't gone through beatings at school for things out of their control and rejection by society on the same grounds. on the one hand i think i understand why so many homosexuals are leary of befriending on a serious level heterosexuals. they can't understand.
i feel like i'm in a plexiglas box. and no matter with what amount of rage i strike i'm still contained. claw until my fingernails pop off, scream until my voice is gone, but nothing.
right now i want nothing more than to quit my job, leave my belongings where they are and take dominic up on his offer to move in.
but i won't.
i would love to be doing something that makes a bit of a difference, but i don't know how. i've too many limitations pity pity pity, but hell i'm just a country bumpkin who hasn't got a clue.
i just hate life right now.
but i got another A in my summerschool course.
so i'm improving in that i can now be emotionally spent and function.
but then i remember that is part of who i am. and that this is the same kind of thing that'll hafta be dealt with for the rest of my life.
coupla yokles hell.. about last thursday night came out of the woodwork and decided we should fight because i was a fag. i could go on about how i stood my ground and one was pulled away on the ground by his friend and blah blah, but there was no glory in that. just a sad exclamation point to the state of affairs of the world.
last eve i went to the porch to knock a few back w/ some mates. all day i'd heard comments, i'm on crutches and so i kept having to explain myself and generally feel useless. then that's so gay, this is so gay, god i hope they didn't think i was gay, blahblahblah. We all hear the shit, but every so often you,... well I can't help but Hear it.
the few friends i have at the moment haven't gone through beatings at school for things out of their control and rejection by society on the same grounds. on the one hand i think i understand why so many homosexuals are leary of befriending on a serious level heterosexuals. they can't understand.
i feel like i'm in a plexiglas box. and no matter with what amount of rage i strike i'm still contained. claw until my fingernails pop off, scream until my voice is gone, but nothing.
right now i want nothing more than to quit my job, leave my belongings where they are and take dominic up on his offer to move in.
but i won't.
i would love to be doing something that makes a bit of a difference, but i don't know how. i've too many limitations pity pity pity, but hell i'm just a country bumpkin who hasn't got a clue.
i just hate life right now.
but i got another A in my summerschool course.
so i'm improving in that i can now be emotionally spent and function.