walking through town is quite scary and not very sensible either..

[ruckyruck]

sometimes life is kidna..hhmmm..well it throws some odd and crappy things your way..and that's okay..its life..deal with it and move on..i wish..anyways..i'm in that place again..when life is a cry caused by desperation and pain..really..its hopeful..i promise..i'm hopeful for a new day..i'm hopeful for the opportunity to..well nevermind..i'm sitting here and i've had alot on my mind lately..alot has happened..and changed..its so hard to keep my thoughts organized..i really dont know what's going on or how i feel about any of it..its all so jumbled up and i really cant make sense of any of it..not that i'd want to anyways..i've been learning how to fall in love with my Jesus all over again..and its great..but as my love grows with desperation and desire..the hatred of myself begins..everything i was i hated..so i changed..for the better?..no i tried..but it only turned out to be a fake person pretending..pretending..not being..and i'm not sure who i hate more..the person i was or the person i am now..i guess in a sense the pretender isnt now..so now there's 3 people that i have allowed myself to be..none of which are satisfactory to me..i've let all that i've worked for die..i've let it slip away and vanish..all my values and everything that i've ever held dear i've given up..and why?..cuz i was bored..bottomline..i have no passion for anything..people always tell me i'm so passionate..they dont know me..i have no passions..i guess you could say..like heather..i'm passionately apathetic..there's seriously nothing that i care about..i try to care..but i dont..or maybe i do care..and for some other reason i try to convince myself that i dont..i dunno..right now..i'm so lost..things are happening and i dont know which way to turn..God has been trying to whip me into shape for..i'm sure..times like this and all i've done is run the other way..now here i am..totally not prepared..and still refusing God's help..i guess sometimes i need something more tangible..i mean..obviously he's more tangible than anything we could ever come across on this earth..but still..when i need him most he seems so far..

i want to get to the place where i put aside my idols and look to the truth..i guess i juss get so confused sometimes..and again..i want jesus to be my first love..my first passion..my first desire..and not juss my first..my only..i guess i juss dont know how to get that place..i feel like the road i'm walking is in the midst of complete desolation and still when i call out..my prayers fall on deaf ears..how can i love the being that i have felt rejected by??..how can i desire that feeling??..i guess in all honesty..i've never been rejected by christ..but i have run..why?..maybe cuz i was scared..i dunno..i cant tell you..

i've been looking ahead into my future a bit..and i know that all of my hearts desires would make me so happy..but then i sit back and think how much greater is the plan that God has in store for me..cuz honestly i want to fulfill his purpose for me and nothing less..what could honestly be greater?..i juss hate uncertainty..my biggest fear uncertainty..and i'm juss not getting the answers i need..i wish i had patience..i whish i had a heart of thanksgiving..i wish i had a heart that longed after the king..a heart that cared and loved those around me..i guess sometimes its juss hard to have a passion for christ and people when you feel like life is purposeless..sometimes i wonder is there even a point..i mean everyday..its the same routine..nothing is ever accomplished..years in this misery..what good is that?..

its almost 1:30 in the morning and i'm sitting here thinking how before..i would be sitting her talking to andy..or some other random person..but i'm not..i'm left alone..to my own thoughts..and i hate it..i remember when i used to update this lj like everyday..i've said alot of nonsense..but there were alot of profound words spoken as well..now i'm juss blabbering..haha..i guess its juss kinda funny cuz i used to write in this lj everyday and i always felt like i had accomplished something afterward..i always felt better..and now..i juss feel like i typed out a bunch of meaningless words.. a brief look into my soul and nothing more..i feel like i've only tried to convey a small piece of my heart right now..and i feel so damn unaccomplished..