and i'm totally in that place again..

[ruckyruck]

okay..so its saturday afternoon and here i am sitting alone in brian's room..brian ryan and jonalation are outside trimming trees or something and brit is like baking and cleaning and playing mom i guess..so i'm juss sitting here..thinking..and thinking..thinking about the events of this past week..man did it suck..and the sad part is as crappy as it was..i've juss been trying to avoid even thinking about it..i've been trying to avoid even organizing my thoughts about it...its sickening how much i try to ignore my inner thoughts and feelings..aren't those the things that are supposed to keep me sane??..maybe there the things that make me insane..i dunno anymore..so..basically anyone i've ever cared for has just recently shown me juss why i shouldnt care for them..why i put my hope and trust in people and its all in vain..right now i'm really missing grace..i really do..i wanna call her..but i think she's out with joey right now..so i really dont wan to interrupt..i know she'd probably be the only who cares about anything i have to say though..she's really the only who'd care about anything that's going on with me right now?..why?..cuz she's juss one of those people..the kind of person who you've basically lived you're entire life with..the kind of person who knows you better than yourself..the kind of person who will be there no matter what..and i mean no matter what..i love that..i really need to talk to her..but i think i'll give her a break from me for a while..she has her own life to live..her own problems to fix..she's amazing..

so a couple of nights ago i was talking to brian at like some random time in the middle of the night and i realized that he's really been my only friend lately..he really has..he knew how i felt about things even when i didnt..he cared about things that i tried to pass off as not a big deal..i'm glad i have someone like him in my life..it's refreshing to know that there's someone who juss cares..someone who you can juss have a good time with..someone who has a good time with you..and more than that a perosn who will listen and talk..someone who appreciates me..and who i appreciate in return..i love him..

so yesterday morning i got a really crappy phone call..like are people juss bored and think..'hey..ashley rucker..hmm..she'd be a good perosn to mess with today.'..like hello..i'm not a fuckin toy..can you please stop playin with me..its really not fun..i dunno..things juss arent workin out right..and that sucks..it hurts and i'm dying inside..the only person who's even noticed is brian..and while that's great to know someone is actually there..it hurts to wonder what happened to all of my other friends when i needed them most..you know the people i was always there for..the people who i'd give my life for..the people who meant the world to me and i'd do anything for..those people that i've sacrificed for..yeah..where'd they go??..oh well..i guess i juss assumed [which i shouldnt have] that since i've invested so much in them and been the friend that they needed that maybe one day they'd take like 2 minutes out of the day and juss be a little bit of what i need..oh well..i guess one day things will get harder [although i'd really hate to imagine that day] and i'll juss know not to try and lean on those people..cuz they'll let me fall..sad realization..but i guess better now than later..right?..even with an optimistic view it still hurts..

as many things as i have to say..i juss really dont know how to put it..i wouldnt know where to continue..as usual..so i think i'm gonna take a nap now..and sleep away my problems..sleep away my fears and my rejections..my hurts and pains..that way i dont have to think about them..or feel them..i can juss sleep..and wake up and try and fill my mind with more useless nonsense..maybe after a while i'lll eventually forget..