(no subject)
He's fickle. He's a complete jerk and I hate him right now. Its a gray situation and I don't expect anybody to understand my situation, because I've been back and forth between understanding it and being hopeful to just hating him and thinking that I deserve better. But right now I just hate him. I hate him so much. I spent all morning nervous for him hoping that he'd win his fight, and I felt bad when he lost. But right now, I am glad he lost because he deserves that once in a while. He can't get everything he wants. He doesn't deserve it. And after all this time of swearing off facebook, he waits until a week after he dumps me to make one. So now all I do is spend my time on facebook flipping to his page looking at the comments his drop-dead gorgeous ex-girlfriend writes all over his wall. I HATE HIM. I wish bad things on him and I hope he learns how this pain feels. I thought he got it. I thought he understood what it felt like. This agony. This longing for the person you know you are supposed to be with to finally wake up and realize we are meant to be. THREE MONTHS he spent telling me how crazy he is about me. How much he misses me, he needed me, we were supposed to be together, he wanted to marry me, I was the only one for him because when ever he was with another girl, I was the only thing he thought about. He swore he'd never let me feel this pain again. He swore he wouldn't do this to me. He knew how hard it was and he hated himself for doing it the first time. I don't care what his rationale is this time. It doesn't matter. He's still a jerk and he blew his second chance. He's putting me through more pain than he did the first time. And after all we have been through in the past 7 months, I know its gonna take that much longer to get over this time. To finally realize that he's full of shit. That he really DOESN'T know what he wants. That he really IS selfish and really DOESN'T deserve me. No matter what he has me believing on other days, at other times, even 5 hours ago. And leaving me with this everlasting hope that he's gonna come crawling back again. A hope that may never go away. That may cause me to miss out on so much because deep down, I can't let go of this belief that we ARE going to be together again like we were last time. That we WILL have our happily ever after. I just can't fathom it. It's just such a messed up whirlwind of feelings that I can't even describe, because no matter how thoroughly I describe it, nobody will ever understand. NOBODY. No matter how much they want to believe they've been there. They haven't. And be happy that you never will. It's the worst pain you could imagine, and you know that no matter hard you try, no matter what you do to distract yourself or pretend to move on, you're not going to, and the pain will stay with you.