(no subject)
Two of my best friends are having a private battle between each other, and it's grating at their relationship. I won't go into the who-what-why except to say that I've lived their battle before and I hope for their sake that they come to an agreement somewhere, sometime. I love these guys to pieces, they're my extended family, and it would break my heart to see either one of them hurting, especially if it's because of the other party, in any capacity. I've tried to play counselor to them, listen to their venting and rants and calmly play the messenger and put the point across to the other person without all the craziness, and to a point it has worked. The mini-battles that have arose in the past few months have been cooled off easily. But this, I honestly don't know how much more I can help.
It takes me back two, almost three years ago now, when DJ was still in cahoots with his now-ex-friend, Jen. She was a very open, very flirtatious girl, and I was in an incredibly insecure point in my life. She felt like a threat, to me, and I wasn't quiet about the fact. It didn't help much that she was also something of a leech - With no reliable vehicle she would have DJ drive her home to Orlando when he was coming to visit, and he would do so without so much as a thank-you or an offer for gas money or anything. He poured money into this girl like he had a magic money well that never ended. I won't specify how much but it was a lot more than I would be willing to give to anyone that wasn't totally trustworthy. After DJ and I moved in together she was still in the picture and on a number of occasions she would have DJ go out late at night, after I was sleeping or close to when I would be, and he would be out until all hours. This freaked me out and made me angry on multiple levels, because 1- He was with her, 2- He was out late driving in Sarasota, where anyone living in this city knows how shitty the drivers are, and 3- It made me unable to sleep, and on a few occassions I'd be either awake until 3 in the morning or I wouldn't sleep well, and would wake up every half hour. Despite all the ultimatums of her-or-me he still remained her friend and confidante. So after a while I decided that if nothing I was saying was getting through, I'd just do well to swallow my anger and fears, because if I didn't, in my head, I was going to push DJ away from me. So I swallowed it, even made a shallow attempt to befriend Jen. I got her a job where I worked, stood up for her when she was consistently late or didn't show up at all, and that was part of what cost me MY job there. It helped for a while but it never went totally away. Then we were in the car accident in '02, that broke DJ's legs and left him bed ridden for six weeks. As many of you know I was at his bedside daily and nightly for the duration. But one of the few times I left his bedside, she came up from Sarasota to visit at his parents house, where we were living at the time, and spent the night. I wasn't brought awares of it until she was already there, and I was out of town at my mom's. As you can only imagine, I absolutely blew a gasket. I guess if you haven't noticed by now, I'm an absolute control freak - I have to know the who-what-where of everything that's going on around me and if I don't feel like I have control over a situation, I freak out. It's especially bad when I'm the passenger in a vehicle. I have an anxiety attack if I'm not driving - ask my sister, ask DJ, ask Stephanie, they'll tell you how uncontrollable I get. Of course, four car accidents will do that to you. But I digress. Yes, I'm a control freak, and it pissed me off and it hurt me that they'd consorted behind my back and made this plan to visit while I wasn't there to supervise. That was one of the last times she came into the picture though, because she eventually got in with this idiot boyfriend that DJ really hated, not a good guy at all, in any capacity. He started distancing himself from her and then began a series of petty fights and after not so very long, they agreed to break contact alltogether. I felt bad that DJ was losing his friend but I was also very happy that I could get back to my nice comfy relationship and move on with life.
In hindsight I know I was being an obsessive compulsive asshole. I almost wish I could go back, having the mentality I have now, and do it over again, however all the stress and pain we've both been through, emotionally and physically, wouldn't be worth it. Two years later I'm happy, content, open-minded, and we've got a strong relationship.
For my friends, I love you guys. Please if you don't listen to each other, listen to me, and heed my words. I can only hope that you both come to an understanding of where the other is coming from, and realize that what you have is a good thing, and that once you sort through all the bullshit, you have an incredible love building together... this distance that separates you is temporary, and you're blessed to have the time and technology to communicate. You can see each other nightly, you can hear each other's voices, just because you can't touch isn't the end of the world. As long as you keep all lines of communication open, both now and in the future when you're together in person for good, these problems won't be problems at all. But you have got to be open with each other, you have got to listen to each other and talk to each other and let your other half know how you feel, what you're thinking. If there's a problem, if there's a concern, if there's a question, if there's a shadow of doubt, it needs to be out on the table right away, because if you let it simmer and fester in your gut, it's going to blow up into a problem a million times worse. I wish you all the best in this hard journey and may you rediscover your happiness soon.
It takes me back two, almost three years ago now, when DJ was still in cahoots with his now-ex-friend, Jen. She was a very open, very flirtatious girl, and I was in an incredibly insecure point in my life. She felt like a threat, to me, and I wasn't quiet about the fact. It didn't help much that she was also something of a leech - With no reliable vehicle she would have DJ drive her home to Orlando when he was coming to visit, and he would do so without so much as a thank-you or an offer for gas money or anything. He poured money into this girl like he had a magic money well that never ended. I won't specify how much but it was a lot more than I would be willing to give to anyone that wasn't totally trustworthy. After DJ and I moved in together she was still in the picture and on a number of occasions she would have DJ go out late at night, after I was sleeping or close to when I would be, and he would be out until all hours. This freaked me out and made me angry on multiple levels, because 1- He was with her, 2- He was out late driving in Sarasota, where anyone living in this city knows how shitty the drivers are, and 3- It made me unable to sleep, and on a few occassions I'd be either awake until 3 in the morning or I wouldn't sleep well, and would wake up every half hour. Despite all the ultimatums of her-or-me he still remained her friend and confidante. So after a while I decided that if nothing I was saying was getting through, I'd just do well to swallow my anger and fears, because if I didn't, in my head, I was going to push DJ away from me. So I swallowed it, even made a shallow attempt to befriend Jen. I got her a job where I worked, stood up for her when she was consistently late or didn't show up at all, and that was part of what cost me MY job there. It helped for a while but it never went totally away. Then we were in the car accident in '02, that broke DJ's legs and left him bed ridden for six weeks. As many of you know I was at his bedside daily and nightly for the duration. But one of the few times I left his bedside, she came up from Sarasota to visit at his parents house, where we were living at the time, and spent the night. I wasn't brought awares of it until she was already there, and I was out of town at my mom's. As you can only imagine, I absolutely blew a gasket. I guess if you haven't noticed by now, I'm an absolute control freak - I have to know the who-what-where of everything that's going on around me and if I don't feel like I have control over a situation, I freak out. It's especially bad when I'm the passenger in a vehicle. I have an anxiety attack if I'm not driving - ask my sister, ask DJ, ask Stephanie, they'll tell you how uncontrollable I get. Of course, four car accidents will do that to you. But I digress. Yes, I'm a control freak, and it pissed me off and it hurt me that they'd consorted behind my back and made this plan to visit while I wasn't there to supervise. That was one of the last times she came into the picture though, because she eventually got in with this idiot boyfriend that DJ really hated, not a good guy at all, in any capacity. He started distancing himself from her and then began a series of petty fights and after not so very long, they agreed to break contact alltogether. I felt bad that DJ was losing his friend but I was also very happy that I could get back to my nice comfy relationship and move on with life.
In hindsight I know I was being an obsessive compulsive asshole. I almost wish I could go back, having the mentality I have now, and do it over again, however all the stress and pain we've both been through, emotionally and physically, wouldn't be worth it. Two years later I'm happy, content, open-minded, and we've got a strong relationship.
For my friends, I love you guys. Please if you don't listen to each other, listen to me, and heed my words. I can only hope that you both come to an understanding of where the other is coming from, and realize that what you have is a good thing, and that once you sort through all the bullshit, you have an incredible love building together... this distance that separates you is temporary, and you're blessed to have the time and technology to communicate. You can see each other nightly, you can hear each other's voices, just because you can't touch isn't the end of the world. As long as you keep all lines of communication open, both now and in the future when you're together in person for good, these problems won't be problems at all. But you have got to be open with each other, you have got to listen to each other and talk to each other and let your other half know how you feel, what you're thinking. If there's a problem, if there's a concern, if there's a question, if there's a shadow of doubt, it needs to be out on the table right away, because if you let it simmer and fester in your gut, it's going to blow up into a problem a million times worse. I wish you all the best in this hard journey and may you rediscover your happiness soon.