Sizing up
I wish i wrote more in here for the past few months. But i'm not quite interested in posting photos nor blabbering shit about my life nowadays. It's funny how i feel obligated to blog. It's not like i have a fan following going around here, and it's absolutely not as if i have that interesting a life. Oh what about the fact that i hardly give a flying fuck about what goes on in the papers (i hardly read them. gasp), in the topics we talked about in school or in the business of the aunties who work in the hostel canteen.
It's just the way i am. The way i look at someone, size him/her up in 1 sitting, and make a decision on whether i wanna talk to them the next time. I realise how shallow it is and how easily i make my disdain clear for someone i don't really care about. But of course i mean, you and me. We size people up in a matter of seconds. And gawd save my soul because i am not a hypocrite (or not as hypocritical as the majority of you out there who still make small talk about going out to Starbucks for frap and then stab so many daggers behind it's enough to cover the ass cheeks of that Viet guy who got hanged for drugs). Of course we talk about the degrees of my interaction with fellow human beings. If i like you, i talk to you and maybe we can have a cuppa. If i can't stand the sight of you, you're not worth the time of my day. So get over it already, and go make yourself more attractive or something.
I cannot stand half of the girls living on my floor. Firstly, they are kids for crying out loud, and they do cry out loud pardon the pun. This PRC girl, Re-fucking-becca makes me wanna gut her so hard and good everytime she opens that crass mouth of hers. You need to be an idiot to even wanna be her roomate. But it doesn't matter. Her room mate is equally dumb. And then there is this PRC freak roaming the corridors and common room. SHE IS AN ALIEN WHO GOT SHOVED OUT OF HER SAUCER BECAUSE HER PARENTS DON'T WANT HER. Not only does she bear a huge resemblance to that logo of alien workshop (and so does Jean Danker), she doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't smile, doesn't even cheebye walks. She floats around in her lousy plaid pyjamas all day, looks at you blankly and then..... she SNAPS! she runs with a dagger in hand, plunging it into the necks of security guards and cleaning aunties! She then turns around, with a menacing look and then -- ohmygawd -- she stabs you!
o well.
School term is officially over for me at least and i can safely say, none of my classes taught me anything useful except for my Emotional Intelligence class. Speaking of which, i was highly appalled by this Filipino girl who studies in OZ. She's never in her whole life heard of that term. No wonder you're unfeeling, bitch. No wonder you spoke to Ankur (our indian friend) with an utter lack of consideration for his race. No wonder you made use of him to go out of his way to get you kebabs in the middle of the night just because you're fucking craving for it. And what happens when he gets back with it? You tell him you have a headache and he's got to deliver it to your room for you. How convenient. I hate people who're like this. I hate people who discriminate when they are minority themselves. I hate i hate i hate. Get a life alright.
EQ taught me what being disgusted with someone means. It taught me how to differentiate between like and love, and it taught me how our emotions, basic or conscious (guilt, shame, pride etc.) have a survival purpose for all of us. It taught me why Sadness as an emotion is useful and it taught me what causes false alarms. I like how it doesn't teaches us how to behave because then, what the fuck is it useful for if it churns out similar minded students who make the world a boring place? It doesn't even aim to justify anything, it just explains why we react this way or that and why your past and the immediate environment plays such a huge role in determining the face you show to the world. It is all very amazing really when science and softer elements like feelings merge and you'd realise how they all fit so very perfectly.
We never know ourselves enough to claim to know someone else. And when the equation doesn't add up, it's always because we don't know what we want.
I was a conceited fool in JC. I made myself out to be someone who knew exactly what she wants, and who went out and got that very thing she wants. Nobody saw how frightened i was when i was naked in bed for the first time with someone else. Nobody knew how eager i was to impress on the dancefloor. Nobody knew how i am today did not come naturally. It wasn't a kind of talent, it was alot of what counsellers in magazines claim the 'pubescent age of discovering'. In the name of discovering, you never fault yourself. Like fuck y'all. In the name of anything, you can be anything, and you can jolly well do anything and still swing free in the pride and glory of your deeds.
I sound regretful, but i really am not. I recognise what's past and what's present and truly, the latter and the future realy matters. But i am not discounting the fact that the past is a very huge part of who i am. It is just like waking up one morning, and realising you're constipated and you wish you'd eaten more veggies yesterday but you definitely don't beat yourself over it. I guess what i really wanna say is, you felt you did wrong, you recognise it, but you don't justify it with 'oh, i was young. we were just having fun.'. It isn't as easy as that. Sure it's not a big deal but you get what i mean.
It's just the way i am. The way i look at someone, size him/her up in 1 sitting, and make a decision on whether i wanna talk to them the next time. I realise how shallow it is and how easily i make my disdain clear for someone i don't really care about. But of course i mean, you and me. We size people up in a matter of seconds. And gawd save my soul because i am not a hypocrite (or not as hypocritical as the majority of you out there who still make small talk about going out to Starbucks for frap and then stab so many daggers behind it's enough to cover the ass cheeks of that Viet guy who got hanged for drugs). Of course we talk about the degrees of my interaction with fellow human beings. If i like you, i talk to you and maybe we can have a cuppa. If i can't stand the sight of you, you're not worth the time of my day. So get over it already, and go make yourself more attractive or something.
I cannot stand half of the girls living on my floor. Firstly, they are kids for crying out loud, and they do cry out loud pardon the pun. This PRC girl, Re-fucking-becca makes me wanna gut her so hard and good everytime she opens that crass mouth of hers. You need to be an idiot to even wanna be her roomate. But it doesn't matter. Her room mate is equally dumb. And then there is this PRC freak roaming the corridors and common room. SHE IS AN ALIEN WHO GOT SHOVED OUT OF HER SAUCER BECAUSE HER PARENTS DON'T WANT HER. Not only does she bear a huge resemblance to that logo of alien workshop (and so does Jean Danker), she doesn't talk to anyone, doesn't smile, doesn't even cheebye walks. She floats around in her lousy plaid pyjamas all day, looks at you blankly and then..... she SNAPS! she runs with a dagger in hand, plunging it into the necks of security guards and cleaning aunties! She then turns around, with a menacing look and then -- ohmygawd -- she stabs you!
o well.
School term is officially over for me at least and i can safely say, none of my classes taught me anything useful except for my Emotional Intelligence class. Speaking of which, i was highly appalled by this Filipino girl who studies in OZ. She's never in her whole life heard of that term. No wonder you're unfeeling, bitch. No wonder you spoke to Ankur (our indian friend) with an utter lack of consideration for his race. No wonder you made use of him to go out of his way to get you kebabs in the middle of the night just because you're fucking craving for it. And what happens when he gets back with it? You tell him you have a headache and he's got to deliver it to your room for you. How convenient. I hate people who're like this. I hate people who discriminate when they are minority themselves. I hate i hate i hate. Get a life alright.
EQ taught me what being disgusted with someone means. It taught me how to differentiate between like and love, and it taught me how our emotions, basic or conscious (guilt, shame, pride etc.) have a survival purpose for all of us. It taught me why Sadness as an emotion is useful and it taught me what causes false alarms. I like how it doesn't teaches us how to behave because then, what the fuck is it useful for if it churns out similar minded students who make the world a boring place? It doesn't even aim to justify anything, it just explains why we react this way or that and why your past and the immediate environment plays such a huge role in determining the face you show to the world. It is all very amazing really when science and softer elements like feelings merge and you'd realise how they all fit so very perfectly.
We never know ourselves enough to claim to know someone else. And when the equation doesn't add up, it's always because we don't know what we want.
I was a conceited fool in JC. I made myself out to be someone who knew exactly what she wants, and who went out and got that very thing she wants. Nobody saw how frightened i was when i was naked in bed for the first time with someone else. Nobody knew how eager i was to impress on the dancefloor. Nobody knew how i am today did not come naturally. It wasn't a kind of talent, it was alot of what counsellers in magazines claim the 'pubescent age of discovering'. In the name of discovering, you never fault yourself. Like fuck y'all. In the name of anything, you can be anything, and you can jolly well do anything and still swing free in the pride and glory of your deeds.
I sound regretful, but i really am not. I recognise what's past and what's present and truly, the latter and the future realy matters. But i am not discounting the fact that the past is a very huge part of who i am. It is just like waking up one morning, and realising you're constipated and you wish you'd eaten more veggies yesterday but you definitely don't beat yourself over it. I guess what i really wanna say is, you felt you did wrong, you recognise it, but you don't justify it with 'oh, i was young. we were just having fun.'. It isn't as easy as that. Sure it's not a big deal but you get what i mean.