(no subject)
Mom just said it so casually. "Did I tell you your dad is thinking about moving back up?"
Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm so much happier with him gone? I mean... I hate him. I do. is that really that bad? I've become so accustomed to him trying to pack months and months of parenting into short infrequent bursts of phone conversation. I'll give him the satisfaction of telling him i love him. a blatent lie. but if he wants to hear it, i don't see what it could hurt. I dont' understand why i hate him so much. he's got a good heart, but he's really quite screwed up. can i blame him for that? one of the reasons i hate him so much is that he just moved away. I had little prior warning, and i thought he was just going to be gone for a month or so. but i'm so much happier that he's gone. how can i hate him for something i'm glad about? I know if he comes home now he'll try to influence me about colleges. as if he has any knowledge in the field. he gets all depressed and withdrawn if i don't make an effort to pretend i'm so excited to hear from him. and he always ends up going on a pity trip about how he feels that none of his family wants him around. i hate listening to that, what do i say? "no, dad, it's not true, we all love you." can i say such a blunt lie and then never call, never write? i dont' feel guilty about that at all though, because he only calls every 2 or 3 months. I think he's called twice since he's moved not counting christmas and my birthday on which he called to apologize for not having the money to send me anything. I dont' want him to move back. to be honest, i don't have the TIME to be a daughter to him. e'll want to see my every weekend or so until he feels like he's fulfilled his quota, then he'll go back to being a recluse and a hermit. so what's the point in wasting my time on attempting to forge a relationship that won't last anyway? he never sees my sister and she's grateful for it. we just sort of push that part of our family out, which is sad since the rest of that side is amazing. I really miss my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandma, not that any of them know me at all, but it's always really nice to see them. another thing, if he does move back, honestly, i think it will push me out of state more. but i don't really want to leave. i dont' know. i dont' know. i'm sick and not thinking very coherently. he'd move onto his friends farm in... i don't remember somewhere... starts with a W. wabasha? i don't know.
i'm sick and behind in school and nikki's pissed at me for calling in sick and i slept for 16 hours last nite and i'm still tired and i just want to run away.
Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm so much happier with him gone? I mean... I hate him. I do. is that really that bad? I've become so accustomed to him trying to pack months and months of parenting into short infrequent bursts of phone conversation. I'll give him the satisfaction of telling him i love him. a blatent lie. but if he wants to hear it, i don't see what it could hurt. I dont' understand why i hate him so much. he's got a good heart, but he's really quite screwed up. can i blame him for that? one of the reasons i hate him so much is that he just moved away. I had little prior warning, and i thought he was just going to be gone for a month or so. but i'm so much happier that he's gone. how can i hate him for something i'm glad about? I know if he comes home now he'll try to influence me about colleges. as if he has any knowledge in the field. he gets all depressed and withdrawn if i don't make an effort to pretend i'm so excited to hear from him. and he always ends up going on a pity trip about how he feels that none of his family wants him around. i hate listening to that, what do i say? "no, dad, it's not true, we all love you." can i say such a blunt lie and then never call, never write? i dont' feel guilty about that at all though, because he only calls every 2 or 3 months. I think he's called twice since he's moved not counting christmas and my birthday on which he called to apologize for not having the money to send me anything. I dont' want him to move back. to be honest, i don't have the TIME to be a daughter to him. e'll want to see my every weekend or so until he feels like he's fulfilled his quota, then he'll go back to being a recluse and a hermit. so what's the point in wasting my time on attempting to forge a relationship that won't last anyway? he never sees my sister and she's grateful for it. we just sort of push that part of our family out, which is sad since the rest of that side is amazing. I really miss my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandma, not that any of them know me at all, but it's always really nice to see them. another thing, if he does move back, honestly, i think it will push me out of state more. but i don't really want to leave. i dont' know. i dont' know. i'm sick and not thinking very coherently. he'd move onto his friends farm in... i don't remember somewhere... starts with a W. wabasha? i don't know.
i'm sick and behind in school and nikki's pissed at me for calling in sick and i slept for 16 hours last nite and i'm still tired and i just want to run away.