(no subject)
So, Joe's gone this weekend. He's down at his parent's house. I've honestly had about enough of him being gone, but it's also kind of a relief that he's gone. It's not as painful to be at home; he's not wandering around, talking to the dog, playing NES, or watching ESPN. Everytime I'm home and he's home, I want to go to him, put my arms around him. and snuggle up to him- which I can't do. It is getting a little easier to be around him, though, because I'm starting to get angry.
All that was needed to avoid this whole fucking fiasco was for him to say to me, "You need to work on these things, because it's starting to affect the way I feel about you." Shit, I'm not unreasonable. I would have. It would have given me that same wakeup call that I got when he said he wanted to split up. And it would have been easier for me to do it if I could have relied on him for support. Less stress, more progress. Hell, I dunno. Maybe not, but i'm pretty sure. I spent some time with our mutual friends, Heather and Adam, last night. They were cool and supportive. They were very positive about the prognosis for the relationship. Heather was saying something about how sudden this was- like he woke up one day and everything was fucked. It's pretty much what everybody has been saying. I wish there was like some website where you could put in what happened, and it would tell you exactly what the problem was. i wish I had a crystal ball or some kind of psychic that really, really worked. This is just so frustrating.
I've been working on my homework and I notice that my first thoughts when I think of Joe are often negative. Which, of course, makes me anxious and nervous and sad. So i've been trying to tell myself that the situation isn't completely fucked. Things will be okay regardless. That this break will help, and things will get better. I tried to think of the kind of person I was when Joe and I first met. i had alot more to focus on back then, and really didn't have as much time to focus on my self-esteem. I'm not saying I felt better about myself back then, because i think I've always had shitty self-esteem. I was just still in school when we met, so I had to focus on school work. In an effort to kind of recapture that same feeling- the same "Do what i have to do" mindset I had, I got a haircut. I had them do the same haircut I was wearing when we met. They say that in order to become a new person, you have to live as if you already are that new person. What kind of person was I? What kind of person do I want to be. I have this idea in my head of what I want to be, but the thing is, I know how that person acts and carries herself in public but not in private. How does that carry over?
All that was needed to avoid this whole fucking fiasco was for him to say to me, "You need to work on these things, because it's starting to affect the way I feel about you." Shit, I'm not unreasonable. I would have. It would have given me that same wakeup call that I got when he said he wanted to split up. And it would have been easier for me to do it if I could have relied on him for support. Less stress, more progress. Hell, I dunno. Maybe not, but i'm pretty sure. I spent some time with our mutual friends, Heather and Adam, last night. They were cool and supportive. They were very positive about the prognosis for the relationship. Heather was saying something about how sudden this was- like he woke up one day and everything was fucked. It's pretty much what everybody has been saying. I wish there was like some website where you could put in what happened, and it would tell you exactly what the problem was. i wish I had a crystal ball or some kind of psychic that really, really worked. This is just so frustrating.
I've been working on my homework and I notice that my first thoughts when I think of Joe are often negative. Which, of course, makes me anxious and nervous and sad. So i've been trying to tell myself that the situation isn't completely fucked. Things will be okay regardless. That this break will help, and things will get better. I tried to think of the kind of person I was when Joe and I first met. i had alot more to focus on back then, and really didn't have as much time to focus on my self-esteem. I'm not saying I felt better about myself back then, because i think I've always had shitty self-esteem. I was just still in school when we met, so I had to focus on school work. In an effort to kind of recapture that same feeling- the same "Do what i have to do" mindset I had, I got a haircut. I had them do the same haircut I was wearing when we met. They say that in order to become a new person, you have to live as if you already are that new person. What kind of person was I? What kind of person do I want to be. I have this idea in my head of what I want to be, but the thing is, I know how that person acts and carries herself in public but not in private. How does that carry over?