(no subject)
I'm going to be blogging a lot more in the coming months, hopefully.
Went and saw a new shrink today after having been out of therapy for a long time. I feel optimistic about her. I have a little hope for some progress. Still not too sure how the relationship's shaping up.
A little update: Instead of breaking up, Joe and I are going to take a break. He's moving back home to his parent's house, and I'm going to try to find a couple of roomies for my house. For the next month and a half, we're going to be working on ourselves. This will provide him some time to destress and try to learn how to confront people when he's upset with them. I'm going to try to sort out some of my insecurity issues. After the first of the year, we will try dating again. It'll be like how it was when we first started dating back in the day. Hopefully, this will be a fresh start for our relationship.
I hope that this break proves to be the thing that saves our relationship and makes it stronger, rather than it being us just prolonging the inevitable. I do have the comfort of knowing that Joe feels that there's enough feelings left on his part that it could try to be rebuilt. I also have the comfort of knowing that he won't be dating anyone else. It's not much, but it's something. It's not breaking up.
Doesn't change the fact that I'm scared out of my mind. I fear that once he moves out, he will drop off the face of the planet and this agreement will fall through. This is an illogical fear, thought, because Joe's not that type of person. I have to trust, and do to a certain extent, that he will tell me if things change.
My mantra right now: I will be ok, regardless. I say it, but I don't believe it yet. I think I will recover, if we should break up, but I'm going to be different regardless.
I'm told that I should see this as a great opportunity for the relationship, and if not for the relationship, at least to become a little wiser about myself as a person. If this works, Joe and I will be stronger together than ever before. If it falls through, I will be wiser about how I think, about problems that I have, how those problems can affect a great relationship. It's an extremely small comfort. I'd rather have the larger comfort.
The new shrink is nice. She reminds me of Kiri, the lady I was seeing at the Murney Clinic. She has the same intuition and willingness to point out points that I'm missing. She has the same warmness that makes it hard for me to hold back tears when I talk to her. I like it because it encourages honesty on my part. I was actually willing to share things with her that I've never told another living person. I liked the method she used to organize information about my life. She drew a family tree as I talked about my life and family, and jotted down details next to the symbols representing the people I talked about. It was easy to see connections between a few things. She wants to hear more about my relationship with Joe, because I suspect she thinks my stress triggers lie in how I relate to people. Logical, I guess, since the most intimate relationship in my life is also going to be the one with the most stress. I've got homework from her- a first. I'm to stop and examine my emotions when I'm hit with those intense waves. I'm supposed to just observe how my mind and body react. I'm to journal as much as I can about it. Maybe I can show Joe those journals around the first of the year, when we reconnect. I can say, "Look. See. I'm really trying. I'm really applying myself. I meant what I said about fixing me." I hope I can show him the real differences in myself too. I hope maybe next year, this time, we're back together and maybe sharing our living space again.
So, things I've noticed so far-
When I think about Joe, and get those reminders of him when I'm out doing something mundane, I get the typical fight or flight response. My heart feels like it's going to stop. My abdominal muscles feel like they're going to cramp up. I feel like I'm about to poo myself. My cheeks get hot and my scalp feels like it's crawling off of my head. My emotions are fear, anxiety, sadness. My thoughts seem to be a mixture of "I want it to be the way it was!", "Please, God, don't let it end like this," and "I love him." Hopefully that will ease up.
Slight edit: Joe's not moving out for the forseeable future. He might have a better job lined up for himself here in Springfield. He feels that we can live together and have our break with no real problems. I am secretly happy he's not going anywhere. Even with us being technically, "Not together," It's still a comfort to know he'll be there when I get home.
I must remember not to talk about the relationship. I must treat him as if he were an acquaintance who I share a house with- polite, courteous, amiable. This will give me practice in not asking or not really caring where he goes and what he does in his own time. God give me strength.
Went and saw a new shrink today after having been out of therapy for a long time. I feel optimistic about her. I have a little hope for some progress. Still not too sure how the relationship's shaping up.
A little update: Instead of breaking up, Joe and I are going to take a break. He's moving back home to his parent's house, and I'm going to try to find a couple of roomies for my house. For the next month and a half, we're going to be working on ourselves. This will provide him some time to destress and try to learn how to confront people when he's upset with them. I'm going to try to sort out some of my insecurity issues. After the first of the year, we will try dating again. It'll be like how it was when we first started dating back in the day. Hopefully, this will be a fresh start for our relationship.
I hope that this break proves to be the thing that saves our relationship and makes it stronger, rather than it being us just prolonging the inevitable. I do have the comfort of knowing that Joe feels that there's enough feelings left on his part that it could try to be rebuilt. I also have the comfort of knowing that he won't be dating anyone else. It's not much, but it's something. It's not breaking up.
Doesn't change the fact that I'm scared out of my mind. I fear that once he moves out, he will drop off the face of the planet and this agreement will fall through. This is an illogical fear, thought, because Joe's not that type of person. I have to trust, and do to a certain extent, that he will tell me if things change.
My mantra right now: I will be ok, regardless. I say it, but I don't believe it yet. I think I will recover, if we should break up, but I'm going to be different regardless.
I'm told that I should see this as a great opportunity for the relationship, and if not for the relationship, at least to become a little wiser about myself as a person. If this works, Joe and I will be stronger together than ever before. If it falls through, I will be wiser about how I think, about problems that I have, how those problems can affect a great relationship. It's an extremely small comfort. I'd rather have the larger comfort.
The new shrink is nice. She reminds me of Kiri, the lady I was seeing at the Murney Clinic. She has the same intuition and willingness to point out points that I'm missing. She has the same warmness that makes it hard for me to hold back tears when I talk to her. I like it because it encourages honesty on my part. I was actually willing to share things with her that I've never told another living person. I liked the method she used to organize information about my life. She drew a family tree as I talked about my life and family, and jotted down details next to the symbols representing the people I talked about. It was easy to see connections between a few things. She wants to hear more about my relationship with Joe, because I suspect she thinks my stress triggers lie in how I relate to people. Logical, I guess, since the most intimate relationship in my life is also going to be the one with the most stress. I've got homework from her- a first. I'm to stop and examine my emotions when I'm hit with those intense waves. I'm supposed to just observe how my mind and body react. I'm to journal as much as I can about it. Maybe I can show Joe those journals around the first of the year, when we reconnect. I can say, "Look. See. I'm really trying. I'm really applying myself. I meant what I said about fixing me." I hope I can show him the real differences in myself too. I hope maybe next year, this time, we're back together and maybe sharing our living space again.
So, things I've noticed so far-
When I think about Joe, and get those reminders of him when I'm out doing something mundane, I get the typical fight or flight response. My heart feels like it's going to stop. My abdominal muscles feel like they're going to cramp up. I feel like I'm about to poo myself. My cheeks get hot and my scalp feels like it's crawling off of my head. My emotions are fear, anxiety, sadness. My thoughts seem to be a mixture of "I want it to be the way it was!", "Please, God, don't let it end like this," and "I love him." Hopefully that will ease up.
Slight edit: Joe's not moving out for the forseeable future. He might have a better job lined up for himself here in Springfield. He feels that we can live together and have our break with no real problems. I am secretly happy he's not going anywhere. Even with us being technically, "Not together," It's still a comfort to know he'll be there when I get home.
I must remember not to talk about the relationship. I must treat him as if he were an acquaintance who I share a house with- polite, courteous, amiable. This will give me practice in not asking or not really caring where he goes and what he does in his own time. God give me strength.