sometimes I want to be landlocked and working in a bakery....
I think that I might have made a really big mistake talking to my ex-wife.I stopped talking to her a few years ago.I thought she might have grown up,or changed or something,but I was obviously very wrong.I admit that mainly,I was just curious as to how she turned out....but she is worse than she ever was before.I stopped talking to her in the first time because she acted like I owed her something,and I don't...not by a long shot.It had not even been 24 hours that we have been talking again and she bombards my facebook and my cell phone to ask me if I can cut her hair,I tell her that I am booked up for 2 weeks,and she asks if I am free after work.I told her firmly that I am not.I expect that she thinks that she will not have to pay for my services...this is not how things are going down.even my best friends have to come up off some trade.I am going for a massage this afternoon in trade for a haircut I did on Angy.(thank god,since my legs have felt like shit lately,and she is the goddess of massage)Anyway,I am thinking that I might go back to ignoring my ex-wife again.it's easier than dealing with a drunk.It's a shame too,because I miss the way that she used to be.
In other news,I am thinking that I might start writing vignettes.I think that it's the only way that I am going to transition back into serious writing rather than journaling schlock like i have for the past few years.I have to find a way to just get three done a week and post them in my blog on blogspot.I read a post on one of the blogs that I follow,she is an amazing writer,but she mostly just writes about her book these days.It's a shame,but she did a post recently that was just 3 sense memories from the past and they were fantastic.I thought,it's a an easy way to write,nothing too long,just a moment in time and what it felt and tasted like,the smells and the look of it.I guess that all those little moments strung together form the picture of a life.I think that might be the best way to write my memoirs.Everyone tells me that I need to do it....but I would like them best scattered.I am that type girl.le sigh.
Some days I just wonder if I will ever remember today in the way that I remember those other days.If anything around me is making an impression at all.I know that the fact that I don't do nearly as many drugs now has some profound effect,I just don't know exactly how.Was I experiencing things more profoundly when I was on that many drugs?One would think that you would notice more things if you weren't altered....or maybe the awareness of everything around me tends to blunt the ability to notice the tiny details of life.(funny note*the good times are killing me* came on the pandora radio just now,there is order in the universe)I guess it's just a case of burning bright and fast.I have learned to temper myself over the years.I now know that living faster = dying faster,so I try my best not to indulge in moth behavior.
OMG this just got me.
***
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
***************this song beats a hole in my head that looks like a star from the inside************
So many things have been going on lately.I am getting used to living with someone again.It isn't hard for me to live with Pax though,she and I fall into a rhythm eventually.It's been slow going,staying motivated to get the house together,but we have both been working alot.I have been trying to spend more nights at home.I feel like I need the time to sit and mend whatever damage I have taken on after being so careless with myself for the past year or so.I haven't been Looking after myself spiritually.It's gotten to the point where I will realize that I need a reading and wait a month to do it.That is a bad sign.It's like it's one of those things that I procrastinate about.I have to get back on top of things again,my timing has been for shit as well.However,I think that I am about to try and get a couple of my old gay friends together in New York City.I am sure that they would love eachother,or at least love to love eachother.My Yenta skills are going nationwide.God bless facebook.People have been coming out of the woodwork,but it's really exciting in a way,because there are alot of them that I dearly love and just lost over time.I have realized that the true reward of trying to be good to people for most of your life is that most everyone that has left your life left still loving you.There are so many amazing people that I feel like I have picked-back-up-where-I-left-off-with.It's beautiful.Like the years have only changed our circumstances, not the way that we feel about eachother.Maybe that is why I am having the onslaught of memories lately,no?
well,that last stream of thought lets me know that it is time to stop smoking and writing and get on to my day.be good to eachother.........and be sure to be sure before you talk to your exes.(the radio serves up *the weight* by The Band,perfect late start morning music for those in the know)
In other news,I am thinking that I might start writing vignettes.I think that it's the only way that I am going to transition back into serious writing rather than journaling schlock like i have for the past few years.I have to find a way to just get three done a week and post them in my blog on blogspot.I read a post on one of the blogs that I follow,she is an amazing writer,but she mostly just writes about her book these days.It's a shame,but she did a post recently that was just 3 sense memories from the past and they were fantastic.I thought,it's a an easy way to write,nothing too long,just a moment in time and what it felt and tasted like,the smells and the look of it.I guess that all those little moments strung together form the picture of a life.I think that might be the best way to write my memoirs.Everyone tells me that I need to do it....but I would like them best scattered.I am that type girl.le sigh.
Some days I just wonder if I will ever remember today in the way that I remember those other days.If anything around me is making an impression at all.I know that the fact that I don't do nearly as many drugs now has some profound effect,I just don't know exactly how.Was I experiencing things more profoundly when I was on that many drugs?One would think that you would notice more things if you weren't altered....or maybe the awareness of everything around me tends to blunt the ability to notice the tiny details of life.(funny note*the good times are killing me* came on the pandora radio just now,there is order in the universe)I guess it's just a case of burning bright and fast.I have learned to temper myself over the years.I now know that living faster = dying faster,so I try my best not to indulge in moth behavior.
OMG this just got me.
***
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
***************this song beats a hole in my head that looks like a star from the inside************
So many things have been going on lately.I am getting used to living with someone again.It isn't hard for me to live with Pax though,she and I fall into a rhythm eventually.It's been slow going,staying motivated to get the house together,but we have both been working alot.I have been trying to spend more nights at home.I feel like I need the time to sit and mend whatever damage I have taken on after being so careless with myself for the past year or so.I haven't been Looking after myself spiritually.It's gotten to the point where I will realize that I need a reading and wait a month to do it.That is a bad sign.It's like it's one of those things that I procrastinate about.I have to get back on top of things again,my timing has been for shit as well.However,I think that I am about to try and get a couple of my old gay friends together in New York City.I am sure that they would love eachother,or at least love to love eachother.My Yenta skills are going nationwide.God bless facebook.People have been coming out of the woodwork,but it's really exciting in a way,because there are alot of them that I dearly love and just lost over time.I have realized that the true reward of trying to be good to people for most of your life is that most everyone that has left your life left still loving you.There are so many amazing people that I feel like I have picked-back-up-where-I-left-off-with.It's beautiful.Like the years have only changed our circumstances, not the way that we feel about eachother.Maybe that is why I am having the onslaught of memories lately,no?
well,that last stream of thought lets me know that it is time to stop smoking and writing and get on to my day.be good to eachother.........and be sure to be sure before you talk to your exes.(the radio serves up *the weight* by The Band,perfect late start morning music for those in the know)