Questioning...
I'm not 100% sure why I'm posting here, but I suppose that considering I'm actively typing this, that puts me here. Whatever, I'll just go with it.
*sighs* I'm frustrated. I'm not 100% sure Why I'm frustrated, but I really am and have no idea what to do about it.
Is it because I'm otherkin... that I'm a maladaptive spirit who can't get over the fact that I'm Not what I once was, and can't get used to the fact that life, in all its everyday ways, is completely different? I'm not sad for my nature... maybe it's arrogant, elitist, whatever, but frankly I don't Like humanity, and my distinction from the rest of the species really, honestly does make me feel better. I may be miserable at times... but at least I'm not miserable And truly a part of this nauseating society.
At the same time, can I really be happy this way? It's not that I'm Sad, exactly, it's... well, it's like what happened on my trip to Toronto a few weeks ago. I had my 2nd surgery on my ankle just a month prior, and while it'd healed enough, it's not perfect. I went out walking with David and his friends. A few hours later, my leg was in agony. My Ehler Danlos syndrome screws up all my joints, so my back and knees weren't happy either, and my shoulder ached from putting so much weight on the cane. But, despite the fact that I was trying not to grimace constantly, I really and truly was glad to be able to spend time with David and his friends. Life's like that. It's agonizing, and so often I just want to sit down and wait for the pain to go away, but I'm really glad to be able to live... because there's things I want to do. So, I'm not depressed... just in a lot of pain? Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.
But while I can prefer walking down that street... can I really be happy? I really just want a very simple existance. One which happens to be impossible for a variety of reasons, including human society, finances, and my genetic condition. Short of that... I don't know. I don't know how to Exist with a non-simple life. I just do, same as I walked down the street in pain. I'm not happy about it, I may complain a fair portion of the way, but what choice have I but to walk?
Like honesty. I prefer honest, direct, straight foward honesty. My friend Alex I met at my old job; I went to him and said, "I like you" and following his shock and confusion, we went on to become really good friends. Why do I prefer this way? Because it's simple, unambiguous, immediately gets across the entire message I wanted to express, with no confusion of intent. No silly word games that can be misunderstood, no culture references that someone might not get, no webs of deceit that get you stuck. If someone asks me if x thing makes them look fat, I tell them the truth. That way, when I say it doesn't make them look fat, they can be entirely confident that it is my actual opinion. Isn't that nicer? I really prefer it that way. But for some god damned reason I'll never understand, "politics," "social dynamics," "political correctness," "family" always get in the way of honesty. Like being myself is some sort of crime, and worse to be honest about it. A lot of people lie because it's easier... I'm no less lazy. I just find honesty easier. It's a HELL of a lot simpler.
*sigh* Am I accomplishing absolutely anything? Probably not. Posting this frustration online is no different than babbling on about it to David. Lots of things are frustrating me. I wish I could just truly be ME wherever I go, with anyone I meet, and exercise perfect honesty as I please. But there's people to hurt, and I don't want that. I tell David's friend Sherry what I think of her choices, not the least of which at that moment was inviting herself to stay the night over at our place randomly when we haven't seen her in 6 weeks and advising us of this decision at 12:30am after the D&D game... if I tell her my thoughts, suddenly David's relationship with her is in peril. Even though it's My thoughts.
I can understand my grandparents flipping out over me not being Christian, but jeez!
I'm certain I've rambled far too much. No, I've not really cleared my mind. I could probably write a novel venting out my frustrations at the moment. Did I mention a $1200 car bill coming up? Health problems? *sighs*
*goes away now*
*sighs* I'm frustrated. I'm not 100% sure Why I'm frustrated, but I really am and have no idea what to do about it.
Is it because I'm otherkin... that I'm a maladaptive spirit who can't get over the fact that I'm Not what I once was, and can't get used to the fact that life, in all its everyday ways, is completely different? I'm not sad for my nature... maybe it's arrogant, elitist, whatever, but frankly I don't Like humanity, and my distinction from the rest of the species really, honestly does make me feel better. I may be miserable at times... but at least I'm not miserable And truly a part of this nauseating society.
At the same time, can I really be happy this way? It's not that I'm Sad, exactly, it's... well, it's like what happened on my trip to Toronto a few weeks ago. I had my 2nd surgery on my ankle just a month prior, and while it'd healed enough, it's not perfect. I went out walking with David and his friends. A few hours later, my leg was in agony. My Ehler Danlos syndrome screws up all my joints, so my back and knees weren't happy either, and my shoulder ached from putting so much weight on the cane. But, despite the fact that I was trying not to grimace constantly, I really and truly was glad to be able to spend time with David and his friends. Life's like that. It's agonizing, and so often I just want to sit down and wait for the pain to go away, but I'm really glad to be able to live... because there's things I want to do. So, I'm not depressed... just in a lot of pain? Does that make sense? It makes sense to me.
But while I can prefer walking down that street... can I really be happy? I really just want a very simple existance. One which happens to be impossible for a variety of reasons, including human society, finances, and my genetic condition. Short of that... I don't know. I don't know how to Exist with a non-simple life. I just do, same as I walked down the street in pain. I'm not happy about it, I may complain a fair portion of the way, but what choice have I but to walk?
Like honesty. I prefer honest, direct, straight foward honesty. My friend Alex I met at my old job; I went to him and said, "I like you" and following his shock and confusion, we went on to become really good friends. Why do I prefer this way? Because it's simple, unambiguous, immediately gets across the entire message I wanted to express, with no confusion of intent. No silly word games that can be misunderstood, no culture references that someone might not get, no webs of deceit that get you stuck. If someone asks me if x thing makes them look fat, I tell them the truth. That way, when I say it doesn't make them look fat, they can be entirely confident that it is my actual opinion. Isn't that nicer? I really prefer it that way. But for some god damned reason I'll never understand, "politics," "social dynamics," "political correctness," "family" always get in the way of honesty. Like being myself is some sort of crime, and worse to be honest about it. A lot of people lie because it's easier... I'm no less lazy. I just find honesty easier. It's a HELL of a lot simpler.
*sigh* Am I accomplishing absolutely anything? Probably not. Posting this frustration online is no different than babbling on about it to David. Lots of things are frustrating me. I wish I could just truly be ME wherever I go, with anyone I meet, and exercise perfect honesty as I please. But there's people to hurt, and I don't want that. I tell David's friend Sherry what I think of her choices, not the least of which at that moment was inviting herself to stay the night over at our place randomly when we haven't seen her in 6 weeks and advising us of this decision at 12:30am after the D&D game... if I tell her my thoughts, suddenly David's relationship with her is in peril. Even though it's My thoughts.
I can understand my grandparents flipping out over me not being Christian, but jeez!
I'm certain I've rambled far too much. No, I've not really cleared my mind. I could probably write a novel venting out my frustrations at the moment. Did I mention a $1200 car bill coming up? Health problems? *sighs*
*goes away now*