Last entry in my LiveJournal
I so sick of my depressing entries and memories here in my LJ, and like Tim I think I'll be either finding a new place to keep a journal or will just stop trying to remember things in general.
How sad is it to wish selective amnesia for yourself?
There's no way to ever get closure on some psychologically devastating parts of my life... People have come and gone (some quicker than others) but surely managed to leave haunting feelings for me to have to struggle through. People tend to take complete advantage of my caring personality and then when I'm not convenient to control anymore they just disappear after a few final conversations laced with harsh criticisms.
Heh, this way too upsetting subject needs a more amusing little analogy. Ah... to a terribly drunk night in college. You see, my freshman year when I was dating Colin, there was a big party at his house. I had most of a giant bottle of horrible Gossamer Bay wine (whatever that stuff is with the butterfly on the label... reeeeal cheap, nasty taste). Oh it sure was fun getting all happy goofy intoxicated! I had no idea how bad I was getting because it just felt so fun! So why not have a few Lynchburg Lemonades as well? What could it hurt? I was on cloud nine, I felt alive for the first time in a long time! Well my stomach, which was partially full of the chicken soup, was sooooo not thrilled with my choice. So yuck yuck yuck in his kitchen sink after just *smelling* a bottle of 151 that was passed under my nose. I vaguely remember looking up and attempting to apologize profusely to his roommate who just got home and witnessed my half-digested noodle pyrotechnics. Somehow Colin managed to cope with the rotten scents and not get pissed at me for being such an idiot. He took care of me the next day and slowly started nursing me back to health...he was just happy didn't drink myself into the hospital. Sure he was not thrilled with my lack of self-control and responsibility, but he was happy I appeared to have learned a lesson not to get like that again (boy how I still wish I would keep remembering this story every time I get poured a Captain and Coke these days). Anyway, for weeks...nay months...after this incident, I was not able to drink wine or anything even vaguely lemony in taste (including Sprite!). In fact, the smell even immediately started to make me nauseous and gave me terrible flashbacks.
So my long and convoluted point is I guess I will just have to live with the haunting memories... how everything reminds me in some stupid way of some people I seem to know too well or some that managed to leave such a terrible impression on my brain.
Perhaps this is the problem in being a "people" person... being too perceptive and intuitive to the point where sometimes things turn into paranoia because of self-doubt (or just the fact that you can't believe people are actually thinking like that...even if you wish they were... that you just would rather think you are crazy rather than be validated) Especially when you are not in control of a situation or outcome anymore. And you actually have no discussed reason why things went the way they did... just speculation. And when someone has beaten you at your own little game... which was just supposed to be fun... it started off as fun... but then here I am typing my last ever LJ entry at 1am......
How sad is it to wish selective amnesia for yourself?
There's no way to ever get closure on some psychologically devastating parts of my life... People have come and gone (some quicker than others) but surely managed to leave haunting feelings for me to have to struggle through. People tend to take complete advantage of my caring personality and then when I'm not convenient to control anymore they just disappear after a few final conversations laced with harsh criticisms.
Heh, this way too upsetting subject needs a more amusing little analogy. Ah... to a terribly drunk night in college. You see, my freshman year when I was dating Colin, there was a big party at his house. I had most of a giant bottle of horrible Gossamer Bay wine (whatever that stuff is with the butterfly on the label... reeeeal cheap, nasty taste). Oh it sure was fun getting all happy goofy intoxicated! I had no idea how bad I was getting because it just felt so fun! So why not have a few Lynchburg Lemonades as well? What could it hurt? I was on cloud nine, I felt alive for the first time in a long time! Well my stomach, which was partially full of the chicken soup, was sooooo not thrilled with my choice. So yuck yuck yuck in his kitchen sink after just *smelling* a bottle of 151 that was passed under my nose. I vaguely remember looking up and attempting to apologize profusely to his roommate who just got home and witnessed my half-digested noodle pyrotechnics. Somehow Colin managed to cope with the rotten scents and not get pissed at me for being such an idiot. He took care of me the next day and slowly started nursing me back to health...he was just happy didn't drink myself into the hospital. Sure he was not thrilled with my lack of self-control and responsibility, but he was happy I appeared to have learned a lesson not to get like that again (boy how I still wish I would keep remembering this story every time I get poured a Captain and Coke these days). Anyway, for weeks...nay months...after this incident, I was not able to drink wine or anything even vaguely lemony in taste (including Sprite!). In fact, the smell even immediately started to make me nauseous and gave me terrible flashbacks.
So my long and convoluted point is I guess I will just have to live with the haunting memories... how everything reminds me in some stupid way of some people I seem to know too well or some that managed to leave such a terrible impression on my brain.
Perhaps this is the problem in being a "people" person... being too perceptive and intuitive to the point where sometimes things turn into paranoia because of self-doubt (or just the fact that you can't believe people are actually thinking like that...even if you wish they were... that you just would rather think you are crazy rather than be validated) Especially when you are not in control of a situation or outcome anymore. And you actually have no discussed reason why things went the way they did... just speculation. And when someone has beaten you at your own little game... which was just supposed to be fun... it started off as fun... but then here I am typing my last ever LJ entry at 1am......