Where Do I Belong?
For the first time in my life I can answer that truthfully, without hesitation, without fear. My place is beside him, regardless of what happens, and I'm taking that place.
The emptiness I feel upon returning to Wabasha after two weeks with him is just immeasurable. It's amazing I was able to survive in this situation as long as I have. The stress here, the paranoia I can't escape. It's everywhere. This town is a black hole of hate and judgment and I'm getting the hell out of here, to a place where what my sister, mother, or father did is not going to be the deciding factor in what happens to me.
Back to my roots, back to where life was good for me. Good ol' eastern Wisconsin...
The visit was just long enough, I think. I stayed as long as humanly possible with appointments to make back home. And the more time I spent with him, the more comfortable we got with each other, and the more we realized just how much we love each other, not only as passionate lovers but as best friends who can hang out and do whatever and be happy together. No ridiculous touchiness from either side, no overblown emotional reactions, just the air of "it's okay" surrounding everything we do.
We didn't stay in and bum about for the majority of the time there. We got out and did things, whether it be bikerides, garage sales, frisbee, archery, hiking, basket weaving, god you wouldn't believe it. It was like I was a child again and who I am, what I like to do, and what makes me happy actually mattered. And here he was beside me, sharing every moment of it. No disdain, no mocking laughter at hearing what we did together.
We collected cool rocks. We tromped through the woods and found a natural spring, and took vines home to make stuff out of. We hung a handmade bird's nest in a tree and hoped to get residents. We spent hours lying in the grass looking for four-leaf clovers. We did jigsaw puzzles together and went riding bikes to a place where you could just coast down the hill and probably hit 30mph. We kicked dandelion heads at each other and had tickle fights.
Everything I am that I'm afraid someone will laugh at if they see, it was there with him and he didn't laugh, he just joined me. And we enjoyed that time together.
The guy's amazing at everything he does, I swear; he fixed my laptop after a good half hour of working on it. I knew things were getting over my head when he pulled out that volt meter and started pulling the hinges off..... So, I have my laptop back. Squee.
His house is amazing. They have everything. And by everything, I mean everything. Wifi, three cats, four good cars, a huge yard, a pond with fish and frogs, a pool, a hot tub (that they claim doesn't work), a giant archery target, a pool table in the basement, a foosball table right next to it, gardens, flowers, trees, a creek in the woods behind the house, and Kettle Moraine State Forest not even a mile away.
Freshly remodeled family room, the heat works everywhere it's meant to (unlike the last... five houses I've lived in?), and egads, all the paper and printing supplies I could ever hope to see. Parents that are still together and don't scream at each other or get in ruinous fights, siblings that love each other and keep contact and lend hands to each other, no excessive smoking or drinking and no fucking drugs. It's literally like a dream come true, and on top of all this, he lives there.
I have had this taste of a good life where I can actually nurture myself and become who I know I can be, and I absolutely can't pass it up.
But I'm terrified... I came home to more bills, bills I'm not supposed to be getting because I SENT THEM THE FUCKING INSURANCE INFO, bills for things I've already been billed for two seperate times and I'm being billed for a third time, and I'm supposed to be covered for this crap, and what the hell is so hard to understand about me not having a penny of income?
And I still have that appointment, and I'm scared to death that I'll get bad news. I've been feeling weird, that's for sure... my temperature spikes up horrifically at what seems like random, but I've tied it to dehydration a few times. I can deal with that.... I can't deal with the chills. Where for no reason, during a perfectly warm day, I'm freezing frigging cold, even with layers of clothing and blankets, and can not get warm no matter what I do. Sometimes the high temp coincides, sometimes it doesn't. I need to know if this is just something I'll have to deal with or if something is wrong again.
If there is something else wrong... I can kiss moving goodbye.
Please, please... if there is any higher power, please don't take this wonderful thing from me. Can't I say I've suffered enough? Or is saying that an invitation for more bad things to befall me...
In that place, my pain is workable, I can get out and do things to overcome it, get stronger, lose weight, etc... here, I'm trapped in a fucking box where everything outside is wrought with can't and shouldn't and fear and embarrassment. Gossip, gossip, gossip.
Might I finally be able to take the step that heals me?
Or am I doomed to this...
The emptiness I feel upon returning to Wabasha after two weeks with him is just immeasurable. It's amazing I was able to survive in this situation as long as I have. The stress here, the paranoia I can't escape. It's everywhere. This town is a black hole of hate and judgment and I'm getting the hell out of here, to a place where what my sister, mother, or father did is not going to be the deciding factor in what happens to me.
Back to my roots, back to where life was good for me. Good ol' eastern Wisconsin...
The visit was just long enough, I think. I stayed as long as humanly possible with appointments to make back home. And the more time I spent with him, the more comfortable we got with each other, and the more we realized just how much we love each other, not only as passionate lovers but as best friends who can hang out and do whatever and be happy together. No ridiculous touchiness from either side, no overblown emotional reactions, just the air of "it's okay" surrounding everything we do.
We didn't stay in and bum about for the majority of the time there. We got out and did things, whether it be bikerides, garage sales, frisbee, archery, hiking, basket weaving, god you wouldn't believe it. It was like I was a child again and who I am, what I like to do, and what makes me happy actually mattered. And here he was beside me, sharing every moment of it. No disdain, no mocking laughter at hearing what we did together.
We collected cool rocks. We tromped through the woods and found a natural spring, and took vines home to make stuff out of. We hung a handmade bird's nest in a tree and hoped to get residents. We spent hours lying in the grass looking for four-leaf clovers. We did jigsaw puzzles together and went riding bikes to a place where you could just coast down the hill and probably hit 30mph. We kicked dandelion heads at each other and had tickle fights.
Everything I am that I'm afraid someone will laugh at if they see, it was there with him and he didn't laugh, he just joined me. And we enjoyed that time together.
The guy's amazing at everything he does, I swear; he fixed my laptop after a good half hour of working on it. I knew things were getting over my head when he pulled out that volt meter and started pulling the hinges off..... So, I have my laptop back. Squee.
His house is amazing. They have everything. And by everything, I mean everything. Wifi, three cats, four good cars, a huge yard, a pond with fish and frogs, a pool, a hot tub (that they claim doesn't work), a giant archery target, a pool table in the basement, a foosball table right next to it, gardens, flowers, trees, a creek in the woods behind the house, and Kettle Moraine State Forest not even a mile away.
Freshly remodeled family room, the heat works everywhere it's meant to (unlike the last... five houses I've lived in?), and egads, all the paper and printing supplies I could ever hope to see. Parents that are still together and don't scream at each other or get in ruinous fights, siblings that love each other and keep contact and lend hands to each other, no excessive smoking or drinking and no fucking drugs. It's literally like a dream come true, and on top of all this, he lives there.
I have had this taste of a good life where I can actually nurture myself and become who I know I can be, and I absolutely can't pass it up.
But I'm terrified... I came home to more bills, bills I'm not supposed to be getting because I SENT THEM THE FUCKING INSURANCE INFO, bills for things I've already been billed for two seperate times and I'm being billed for a third time, and I'm supposed to be covered for this crap, and what the hell is so hard to understand about me not having a penny of income?
And I still have that appointment, and I'm scared to death that I'll get bad news. I've been feeling weird, that's for sure... my temperature spikes up horrifically at what seems like random, but I've tied it to dehydration a few times. I can deal with that.... I can't deal with the chills. Where for no reason, during a perfectly warm day, I'm freezing frigging cold, even with layers of clothing and blankets, and can not get warm no matter what I do. Sometimes the high temp coincides, sometimes it doesn't. I need to know if this is just something I'll have to deal with or if something is wrong again.
If there is something else wrong... I can kiss moving goodbye.
Please, please... if there is any higher power, please don't take this wonderful thing from me. Can't I say I've suffered enough? Or is saying that an invitation for more bad things to befall me...
In that place, my pain is workable, I can get out and do things to overcome it, get stronger, lose weight, etc... here, I'm trapped in a fucking box where everything outside is wrought with can't and shouldn't and fear and embarrassment. Gossip, gossip, gossip.
Might I finally be able to take the step that heals me?
Or am I doomed to this...