a statement of existence
And I wake up every morning, if that's what you'll call it, wondering which realm I'm in - if I'm still alive. And the answers always the same, that this isn’t “alive”. There’s something beyond what I’m doing now that can certify the fact of liveliness, but I’ve never done it so I can’t be too sure. And my emotional stability is about as violent as a Shakespearian ending. And I let it get the best of me, because I’m emotionally driven. That’s my weakness. I cannot be inspired or moved by people, by words or by my own will. I can only act in the name of emotionally highs and lows. This makes my decision-making process all the more confusing, especially when the decision will seriously alter my course that is “living”, for now anyway.
But what makes choosing such a difficult task, not just for me but for us. I think it has something to do with human development. It was only years ago that I was introduced to the fact that perhaps I can’t have everything I desire. Choosing means giving up the side that is not chosen, and most often that is the hardest part of deciding. Because before we enter a decision-making process, we’re usually subconsciously aware of the decision that will be made. But part of us needs to officially enter this process to feel mature, and I think that’s acceptable. Because the longer you’re alive, the more decisions you’ll make and the experience doesn’t alleviate any of the difficulty of those decisions. I guess that means we’re maturing all the time, but it also means we never reach a level of full maturity. But what does that mean, if it’s unattainable? It’s not exactly full, is it?
And admitting we’re wrong is one of the hardest things we’ll ever have to do, but we’ll do it often. It’s nestled at the top of the list beside loss and devastation. Because admittance usually involves disappointment of not just you, but your supporters. And the photographic image of that first reaction of your supporters will forever be entrenched in your mind. The words, they’ll be useless. The body language is more than you’ll be able to handle. And it will leave you stained, permanently. I hope you never have to do experience what I have, but it would be useless because I know you will. It’s unfortunate, but you’ll need it more than you’ll allow yourself to acknowledge.
And I know if I could step back in my mind, ironically the picture would magnify. Because sometimes to see more, you need to be able to take that step back. Life’s kind of like living a movie, with predetermined maneuvers that govern your actions. And lucky you in the warm, cozy safeguards of your conscience are able to watch it free of charge. It’s an interactive experience. And every day I’ll wonder if this is my movie, or ours. But you can’t tell me you’re imaginary, because even you don’t know as you’re just a product of mine.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a prolific interest in death. Because after all, dying is easy it’s living that’s hard. Because living involves you, and death involves you accepting that it will not involve you. At least, I think so. I get the feeling that although dying can be a painful process, death is quick and easy. I think death is such a small thing that the involved party will probably not even notice it has happened. I think it’s just a name for a somewhat larger step in the infinite ladder of existing. Existing, in other words, layers of never-ending limbo. But I could be wrong. You have to admit though; our ideas of the afterlife are rather preposterous and logically insane. But that’s what makes them so fascinating. It’s the one process we know we’ll be involved in, regardless of who you are. It just happens, and that’s why it’s beautiful.
A statement of existence, it exists because I felt that it was important to establish a foundation for my tentative beliefs. But I’m no more wise than you, and I hope you can find some relevance somewhere here. I can only hope you’re as considerate as I am.
But what makes choosing such a difficult task, not just for me but for us. I think it has something to do with human development. It was only years ago that I was introduced to the fact that perhaps I can’t have everything I desire. Choosing means giving up the side that is not chosen, and most often that is the hardest part of deciding. Because before we enter a decision-making process, we’re usually subconsciously aware of the decision that will be made. But part of us needs to officially enter this process to feel mature, and I think that’s acceptable. Because the longer you’re alive, the more decisions you’ll make and the experience doesn’t alleviate any of the difficulty of those decisions. I guess that means we’re maturing all the time, but it also means we never reach a level of full maturity. But what does that mean, if it’s unattainable? It’s not exactly full, is it?
And admitting we’re wrong is one of the hardest things we’ll ever have to do, but we’ll do it often. It’s nestled at the top of the list beside loss and devastation. Because admittance usually involves disappointment of not just you, but your supporters. And the photographic image of that first reaction of your supporters will forever be entrenched in your mind. The words, they’ll be useless. The body language is more than you’ll be able to handle. And it will leave you stained, permanently. I hope you never have to do experience what I have, but it would be useless because I know you will. It’s unfortunate, but you’ll need it more than you’ll allow yourself to acknowledge.
And I know if I could step back in my mind, ironically the picture would magnify. Because sometimes to see more, you need to be able to take that step back. Life’s kind of like living a movie, with predetermined maneuvers that govern your actions. And lucky you in the warm, cozy safeguards of your conscience are able to watch it free of charge. It’s an interactive experience. And every day I’ll wonder if this is my movie, or ours. But you can’t tell me you’re imaginary, because even you don’t know as you’re just a product of mine.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a prolific interest in death. Because after all, dying is easy it’s living that’s hard. Because living involves you, and death involves you accepting that it will not involve you. At least, I think so. I get the feeling that although dying can be a painful process, death is quick and easy. I think death is such a small thing that the involved party will probably not even notice it has happened. I think it’s just a name for a somewhat larger step in the infinite ladder of existing. Existing, in other words, layers of never-ending limbo. But I could be wrong. You have to admit though; our ideas of the afterlife are rather preposterous and logically insane. But that’s what makes them so fascinating. It’s the one process we know we’ll be involved in, regardless of who you are. It just happens, and that’s why it’s beautiful.
A statement of existence, it exists because I felt that it was important to establish a foundation for my tentative beliefs. But I’m no more wise than you, and I hope you can find some relevance somewhere here. I can only hope you’re as considerate as I am.