Senior Fears Setting In...
So it's vacation now, the vacation between a very hectic first semester of my senior year and what should be my last semester before I either graduate or doom myself.
Despite how well my midterm review went, the faculty expressed their concern for whether or not I could get this thing done in time to graduate. And truth be told, I'm just as worried. I assured them that I'd spend my vacation (after trying to ignore the existence of school until after Christmas at least) trying to simplify my project so that I can get it done, cut out unnecessary bells and whistles and parts of the story that weren't needed. Thing is, Christmas is over, New Years Eve is tomorrow and I've done my best to ignore my impending doom, although in all honesty, I've been haunted by it almost daily since school ended, and now that it's time to get to it, I'm panicking. I don't even know where to start. I have this mess of a project that I want it to succeed but every time I look at it, it's just that, a mess. I'm wishing I had someone to help me out at times like this, someone who knew anything about Flash and Actionscripting so that they can hopefully put a hand on my shoulder and remind me that I'm doing this project because I enjoy Flash. And that it can be done. I just need to organize myself.
But I'm terrified. All that's in my head right now is OMG OMG OMG I can't! I can't do this! I wanna give up right now! But I can't give up! It's my last semester, I can't afford to take a break and go back and my tuition bill has been paid. But what if I can't do it? What if the concerns from the review were well founded and I am not capable of doing this without making this mess even more of a mess and/or ending up in a psychiatric ward? I don't have the time and mental capacity to do this, but I have to! What do I do? How? OMGGGggGGggGgGGg....
Yeah, just a glimpse into my crazy mind. And usually I'd post this on my private blog but screw it, people need to know that professional or not, we aren't robots. If I manage to get through this and I post a few months from now, a successful project that even the chairman can be proud of, I want to look back at this entry and remember I once almost went crazy. And hopefully, this is a normal stage. Senior jitters. I got my commencement information today and while it gave me some encouragement, it also reminded me of the reality that's coming - the work I have ahead and whether or not I can achieve it.
And all this is beside the worries I have for finding an internship or getting a job in an economy where unemployed and on public assistance is the norm. So many fears despite that my deepest wish is nothing short of graduating with success and finding something to pay bills so that I won't wake up in the morning miserable for many years hating what I do. I feel alone in this. I wish I did not.
So here is to senior jitters or worse. Here's to hoping I succeed in the face of so much economic and social pressure from both in and outside of school. And let this be a testament to all, that even if I manage to pull this off with flying colors, I had to be borderline nuts before it happened.
Cross your fingers...
Despite how well my midterm review went, the faculty expressed their concern for whether or not I could get this thing done in time to graduate. And truth be told, I'm just as worried. I assured them that I'd spend my vacation (after trying to ignore the existence of school until after Christmas at least) trying to simplify my project so that I can get it done, cut out unnecessary bells and whistles and parts of the story that weren't needed. Thing is, Christmas is over, New Years Eve is tomorrow and I've done my best to ignore my impending doom, although in all honesty, I've been haunted by it almost daily since school ended, and now that it's time to get to it, I'm panicking. I don't even know where to start. I have this mess of a project that I want it to succeed but every time I look at it, it's just that, a mess. I'm wishing I had someone to help me out at times like this, someone who knew anything about Flash and Actionscripting so that they can hopefully put a hand on my shoulder and remind me that I'm doing this project because I enjoy Flash. And that it can be done. I just need to organize myself.
But I'm terrified. All that's in my head right now is OMG OMG OMG I can't! I can't do this! I wanna give up right now! But I can't give up! It's my last semester, I can't afford to take a break and go back and my tuition bill has been paid. But what if I can't do it? What if the concerns from the review were well founded and I am not capable of doing this without making this mess even more of a mess and/or ending up in a psychiatric ward? I don't have the time and mental capacity to do this, but I have to! What do I do? How? OMGGGggGGggGgGGg....
Yeah, just a glimpse into my crazy mind. And usually I'd post this on my private blog but screw it, people need to know that professional or not, we aren't robots. If I manage to get through this and I post a few months from now, a successful project that even the chairman can be proud of, I want to look back at this entry and remember I once almost went crazy. And hopefully, this is a normal stage. Senior jitters. I got my commencement information today and while it gave me some encouragement, it also reminded me of the reality that's coming - the work I have ahead and whether or not I can achieve it.
And all this is beside the worries I have for finding an internship or getting a job in an economy where unemployed and on public assistance is the norm. So many fears despite that my deepest wish is nothing short of graduating with success and finding something to pay bills so that I won't wake up in the morning miserable for many years hating what I do. I feel alone in this. I wish I did not.
So here is to senior jitters or worse. Here's to hoping I succeed in the face of so much economic and social pressure from both in and outside of school. And let this be a testament to all, that even if I manage to pull this off with flying colors, I had to be borderline nuts before it happened.
Cross your fingers...