Hmmm . . .
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if people had never met me, or if I never met them. i truly believe that there is a reason for everything, but sometimes I wonder what that reason is.
Ok, so like there are times when youre friends/family make you feel so amazingly special and important and loved, and other times when they make you feel insecure and insignificant. But why is it that certain people intensify that? I've been thinking about this a lot lately . . . it's really not as random as it seems, I just haven't been able to verbalize it at all. And I'm definitly on the verge of tears at the moment.
A specific example of what I'm talking about . . .
Let's take Marty and Kate, for an example. Right after my first year at UVM, leaving was really hard because I wanted to just be with the two of them. They really defined my time there, but I had to come home to Maine. Before I left, we made it a point to go out together and just have fun . . . thus making me feel wicked special/important. So then . . . they worked together over the summer, and got closer. So, fall 2003, I started feeling unimportant. They had things that were just between them, and as much as I wanted to be happy for them, I was jealous. Looking back it seems silly that I would be jealous, because clearly all people relate to each other differently, and have different things between them. I guess the thing that I'm really wondering about is why I am important to people . . .
I feel kind of morbid thinking about this. But I mean really . . . sometimes I wonder why my friends are my friends at all. And I'm constantly afraid of losing them. Everytime I feel things getting too good I assume that something's going to go wrong. I've lost so many people already, and I don't know that I could handle losing anyone else at this point in time, and it kills me to be that weak. I don't want to be insecure and worried all the time, but it's so very hard not to be. Everytime I start getting comfortable in my life WHAM! something happens to fuck it up.
Maybe going to Vermont will make this seem stupid . . . I don't know. It's been so long since I've seen my loves there, but at the same time life there didn't stop when I left. So much happens in two years, and I'm scared. Scared of having been replaced, scared to think of how things will be, scared to disappoint someone or to be disappointed, and mostly scared of myself and everything that's inside me. There are so many things inside me that have never come out, that I'm scared to let out . . . because I don't want to disapoint or to be disapointed.
That's just about all the verbalizing I have left in me tonight.
Ok, so like there are times when youre friends/family make you feel so amazingly special and important and loved, and other times when they make you feel insecure and insignificant. But why is it that certain people intensify that? I've been thinking about this a lot lately . . . it's really not as random as it seems, I just haven't been able to verbalize it at all. And I'm definitly on the verge of tears at the moment.
A specific example of what I'm talking about . . .
Let's take Marty and Kate, for an example. Right after my first year at UVM, leaving was really hard because I wanted to just be with the two of them. They really defined my time there, but I had to come home to Maine. Before I left, we made it a point to go out together and just have fun . . . thus making me feel wicked special/important. So then . . . they worked together over the summer, and got closer. So, fall 2003, I started feeling unimportant. They had things that were just between them, and as much as I wanted to be happy for them, I was jealous. Looking back it seems silly that I would be jealous, because clearly all people relate to each other differently, and have different things between them. I guess the thing that I'm really wondering about is why I am important to people . . .
I feel kind of morbid thinking about this. But I mean really . . . sometimes I wonder why my friends are my friends at all. And I'm constantly afraid of losing them. Everytime I feel things getting too good I assume that something's going to go wrong. I've lost so many people already, and I don't know that I could handle losing anyone else at this point in time, and it kills me to be that weak. I don't want to be insecure and worried all the time, but it's so very hard not to be. Everytime I start getting comfortable in my life WHAM! something happens to fuck it up.
Maybe going to Vermont will make this seem stupid . . . I don't know. It's been so long since I've seen my loves there, but at the same time life there didn't stop when I left. So much happens in two years, and I'm scared. Scared of having been replaced, scared to think of how things will be, scared to disappoint someone or to be disappointed, and mostly scared of myself and everything that's inside me. There are so many things inside me that have never come out, that I'm scared to let out . . . because I don't want to disapoint or to be disapointed.
That's just about all the verbalizing I have left in me tonight.