rp for l_cuddy_md
House sat on bed as he switched the tv off with the remote, and tossed the remote onto the bedside table. The movie he'd been watching was finished, not that he was really watching it, and he wasn't in the mood to lie here and half-heartedly watch another. He was getting sick of feeling moody about Cuddy - not just because the dinner had gone badly
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She wandered over by the dresser, leaning back against it as House edged into the room. She grimaced when he referred to the way she'd slapped him. She did feel bad about losing control in that manner but she'd already apologized.
"If I slapped you every time you acted like...well, like you, my hand and your cheek would be permanently bruised. I just don't understand why it had to end like that. It started okay. Maybe you weren't exactly enjoying yourself but you weren't hating it either." She gave a resigned shrug. She didn't know what was going on in his head and she didn't think he'd tell her if she asked.
"What am I going to do with you?"
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Despite the joking suggestion, his reply came out flat and he looked down to the floor, knowing now wasn't a good time to start cracking jokes. He stood there for a moment, self-consciously digging at a spot in the carpet with the end of his cane before looking back up a moment later.
What was Cuddy going to do with him? Well... he wanted her to forgive him. He wassn't sure how to go about that, though. He didn't want to explain his actions; that would just rub salt into his guilt wounds. He wanted... he wanted to touch her and kiss her, maybe show he was sorry that way. He doubted she'd let him near her with how much he'd hurt her, though.
After letting his eyes roam around the room, he met her eyes and then guiltily looked away to the side. "I didn't want it to end like that," he finally said. He threw Cuddy another glance. "I wanted..."
He trailed off and lamely gestured between Cuddy and himself like that was supposed to explain what he didn't know how to say. He dropped his hand away and lowered his head again.
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"You must not have wanted it too much or you wouldn't have acted that way," she said sharply, wrapping her arms around her defensively. She knew better than to snap at him because it probably only make him defensive in turn but damn it....
The problem wasn't that he'd been an ass. She was used to that. The problem was that she didn't know why he'd been an ass. Back home she always had an idea of why he acted the way he did. He was trying to find a diagnosis or get out of clinic duty or finally get his revenge on Dr. Evil. Here she was left guessing and, being as insecure about relationships as she was, she tended to obsess on the worst possible explanations.
"I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't know what you're thinking or--god forbid--what you're feeling," she said. "Last night...maybe that was because you didn't really want to be with me or because you really do have a problem dealing with Stacy now or maybe even because there's something messed up in your mind that makes you sabotage anything that might make you just the least bit happy." She managed to give a small shrug even though she still had her arms wrapped tightly around her, as if she could somehow protect herself if she held on tight enough. "Given the secrecy and the lies.... I can't help but think that it's because you don't really want to be with me. And that hurts."
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He gave his forehead a fretful rub and then dropped his hand away, just as Cuddy said that maybe he didn't want to be with her. He snapped his head up with a sudden look of outrage. "Of course I want to be with you!" he exclaimed before giving himself a chance to second guess his reaction.
The moment he said it, his gaze suddenly shifted into realisation of what he'd said and he quickly looked away before giving his face another rub. Okay, he'd said it now. He was either going to have to deal with this or leave like a dog running with its tail between its legs. Cuddy mattered to him too much for him to do the latter right now.
Dropping his hand away, he stared across the room, gathering his thoughts, before darting his eyes back to Cuddy. After a pause he took a hesitant step forward, then another, and began to make his way slowly further into the room. He came to a stop in the middle of it and leaned heavily against his cane, studying Cuddy's face seriously.
"Dealing with her being here is difficult," he said, almost forcing himself to get the words out. "After everything that happened, back home..." He ran his tongue over his top lip anxiously and shifted on the spot, also struggling to make himself keep eye contact with Cuddy.
"The less she knows about what's going on my personal life, the less I have to deal with her personally." He had no idea if his explanation made sense to Cuddy, but he sure hoped to god it would.
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She watched House fight himself, struggle to stay in the room. Struggle to continue the conversation. In a way, that reassured her more than his words. He wouldn't bother trying to explain himself if he didn't care what she thought. Unfortunately his explanation wasn't exactly logical...except in a House kind of way. Which was just confusing enough to feel normal.
"On the other hand, if Stacy knows you're involved with someone she might feel awkward enough about it to keep her distance," she pointed out. No way did she want to get in the middle of House and Stacy and their issues. And as far as she was concerned, whatever she and Stacy had discussed at lunch was between them and she wasn't going to run to House to tell him what Stacy said and she wasn't going to run to Stacy to tell her what House said. But if she could provide a buffer between them....
Cuddy moved toward House, slowly because he looked like he might bolt at any sudden move. She pressed her palm against his chest and looked up at him. "It's uncomfortable for you, dealing with Stacy. I get that, and I'll help if I can. I'll...try to avoid putting you in situations where you have to deal with her." She paused, biting at her lip. "But I'm not going to lie to her. I'm not going to lie about us."
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Well, he really didn't want Stacy knowing. In fact, he felt a stab of indignance, wanting to argue that she didn't need to know because this wasn't her business. And more than that, he really didn't want Stacy talking to him about being in a relationship when they were both so clearly still hurt by what happened in Princeton.
But what would arguing do? Cause more arguments. He didn't want to get into another argument with Cuddy, not right now. He still felt guilty enough to not want to make this worse. He sighed again and dropped his eyes down to her hand on his chest.
Shuffling a little closer to her, he reached up and lightly touched her shoulder, then ran his hand down her arm. Then he frowned as he remembered something.
"I thought you said she knew already," he said. "What's there to lie about if she knows?" He darted his eyes back up to her. "Unless you were lying about her knowing, and you were actually taking a cheap shot."
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"Paranoid bastard," she sighed, her hand slipping lower along his ribs as she let her head drop forward until her forehead was resting against his chest. She wished she knew what had made him so utterly distrustful of pretty much every other human on the planet. Knowing probably wouldn't change anything--she was pretty sure it couldn't be fixed--but it would help her to understand.
Cuddy raised her head and looked up at him again. "She did figure it out, but last night I lied to her and told her it wasn't what she thought it was. That's what I'm not going to do any more." She gave a little shake of her head. Surely he realized that neither she nor Stacy wanted to discuss their relationships with House with each other. Or maybe he didn't. That ego was pretty big.
"Believe it or not, this is kind of awkward for me and Stacy as well. I have no intention of discussing our relationship with her. She guessed and she wanted to confirm whether she was right or not. As far as I'm concerned that's the end of it." Okay, so it was a little more complicated than that--nothing in her life was ever that simple--but it was essentially true.
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"If you have no intention of discussing it with her, then why are you making a thing about it?" He was being deliberately obtuse in the hope that she'd get the not-so-subtle hint that he didn't want to talk about it. "She knows, we both now know she knows, end of conversation."
He frowned as he looked down at where his hand was on her arm. He knew it wasn't as simple as that; he knew it was never going to be as simple as that. He could also be one of the most stubborn people alive, too. Running his hand back up her arm, he murmured, "I just want this to be you and me. And I don't want to screw it up."
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She slapped both hands lightly against his chest, exasperated. At the same time she knew he was just trying to find any way he could to end the discussion. He didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to deal with Stacy. And he didn't want Cuddy dealing with any of it because then he'd end up having to deal with it.
She glanced to the side, her eyes following House's hand as he stroked her arm. "It is just us. I don't want to announce it to everyone, and I sure don't want anyone interfering. I just don't like feeling like it has to be a secret."
She reached up and brushed her fingertips along his jaw. "You won't screw it up." She didn't really know why he'd think he would. Sure, he'd try to push her away just like he did with everyone who got too close but she knew that. She'd never let him push her away before. She certainly wasn't going to start now. If anything, she would be the one to screw it up...just like she always did.
She gave him a faint teasing smile. "I told you; you'll have to work hard to get rid of me."
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"Well, it's no longer a secret, is it, so you don't have to worry about it being one," he argued.
He inclined his head away from Cuddy for a moment when she reached up to touch his jaw, uncomfortable by this whole conversation. But he then relented and lowered his head again so she could continue to touch him. Running his hand back down her arm, he snorted mildly and gave her a faint, wry smile in return.
"It's a good thing I want you around, then," he replied, and as wry as his smile that his reply was, it was also genuine.
Lowering his hand from her arm, he slid his arm around her waist and pulled her a little closer. He lifted his chin and pressed a light kiss to her forehead, then pulled back again to look down at her with a small but more affectionate smile this time.
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Besides, he was right. It wasn't a secret any more so the issue was settled, if not the way either of them had wanted it settled.
"It's a very good thing," she responded tartly. Especially given that they couldn't very well escape each other even if they wanted to. They were stuck in this hotel for the time being. Now that they'd started this relationship they had to find a way to make it work. She wanted to make it work.
She returned his smile, then tucked her head under his chin. She listened to the beat of his heart, felt the warmth of his arm around her, and let out a slow breath as she willed some of the tension to leave her body. "You really do drive me nuts," she said, her tone affectionate. "But I need you."
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When Cuddy leaned in against him, House sighed again, forcing himself to likewise relax from the tension. He lifted his hand and tentatively placed it on the back of her head, cradling her against his chest. Well, at least they'd reached a truce. Or as close to a truce as it was going to get. Which suited House just fine because if this was Cuddy's way of forgiving him without him having to actively say he was sorry, then good.
He was silent for a moment after she told him she needed him. He wasn't sure why she needed him, much like he wasn't sure why she loved him. But if he was honest with himself, he needed Cuddy because she was pretty much the only thing that kept him grounded in this place.
"You need me to drive you nuts," he replied mock seriously. "Because it reminds you that some things will never change." He pulled back so he could look down at her again, another wry expression on his face. "Believe me, you drive me nuts, too. That's never going to change, either."
The expression on his face softened as he reached up and gave her cheek an affectionate stroke with the back of his knuckles. He didn't want anything about Cuddy to change, though, because as much as she drove him nuts, he liked her just the way she was. He opened his mouth to say just that, then realised how corny that sounded, so closed his mouth again but gave her grin.
He then leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.
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"Yeah, well, paybacks are hell," she said when he accused her of driving him nuts. She knew she probably did, but in her mind it was always because she was trying to act in House's best interest. She never...okay, rarely tried to drive him nuts just for the fun of it.
She smiled in response to the expression on his face. She was always surprised, and touched, when he lost the guarded, cynical mask he usually wore, even for a moment. Those rare moments of openness reminded her that he really could care, and that he really could be hurt.
She tilted her chin up to meet his mouth. The kiss was almost chaste, just a gentle pressure, a soft brush of their lips.
"Mmmm," she sighed. She opened her eyes and looked up at him with a mildly amused expression. "Have you noticed we get along much better when we use our mouths for anything other than talking?"
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"In the animal kingdom," he replied, "sex is employed and practiced between animals to promote harmony. That extends to humans. And, hey, I'm all for promoting harmony."
He grinned playfully as he slid his hand down her arm to meet hers. He twined their fingers together loosely and leaned back in to kiss her again, a few soft, teasing kisses to her lips.
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Just like she wasn't going to willingly forego House's kisses. In some ways, he he said more, revealed more of himself in the way he touched than he did with any of his often eloquent words. She returned the kisses almost playfully, enjoying the gentle, teasing quality before pulling back slightly.
"But human relationships are more complicated than animal ones. It's not just about who the dominant male or female is." She thought about the fights House had gotten into and had to concede that maybe dominance was a part of it. Still, humans brought a lot of emotional and psychological baggage to their relationships and she didn't know anyone with more baggage than House. And she had some of her own.
She drew their joined hands up and placed a kiss on his knuckles. She returned her gaze to his face, smiling. "On the other hand, being a dominant female myself means I get to demand pleasure from my male partner whenever I want so...not seeing the downside right now."
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Actually, when it came to sex... yeah, Cuddy was the dominant in that situation. Not that House wasn't dominant himself, but he simply loved a woman who knew what she wanted in bed, which made him willing to comply to pretty much anything. Especially when it came to Cuddy - her confidence, the way she knew exactly what she wanted; he was pretty much in awe of her when it came to sex.
He closed the distance between them again, kissing her teasingly at first and then deepening the kiss slightly. Untangling his fingers from Cuddy's, he dropped his hand to her hip, then slid his palm down around to her ass and groped it affectionately.
"Can't be bothered to dispute it right now, though," he murmured against her lips.
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