rp for l_cuddy_md

[rubicks_complex]

House waited until he was out of sight from the bar to stop and brace his hand against the wall. The way he’d landed on the floor when Dean tripped him up jarred his leg; it was throbbing sharply. The bruise on his chin where Dean had uppercut him was throbbing, too

Comments

[rubicks_complex]

House was silent again as he studied her face, watching closely for her reaction. She looked taken off guard, and the fact that she confirmed that she definitely knew Dean made House bristle. The look on her face was what made him bristle more, though, especially when she then asked if he'd insulted Dean's mother.

"So what if I did?" he replied, his tone now starting to sound nasty. "Who cares about his dead mother? I don't."

He was about to add to that, then remembered he was standing in the hallway. He didn't want to have any kind of confrontation where others could hear, especially not when Cuddy could slam the door on his face, so House pushed past her and moved to the centre of the room. He turned to face her.

"Don't play dumb with me," he said warningly. "This has nothing to do with whether I insulted his poor, dead mommy or not, and you know it." He paused, then added accusingly, "Don't you?"

Well, that was the reason Dean tripped him, so yes - on Dean's part it had everything to do with House insulting his mother. House didn't care about that, though. Another mental image of Cuddy having sex with Dean flashed through his mind, and House couldn't hold back firing at her, "You slept with him!"

[l_cuddy_md]

"Well, I imagine he cares about his dead mother," she said as House pushed past her. She was still holding the door open and she gave a rather longing glance at the hallway. Escape seemed like a really good idea right now, but that would look like she was trying to hide something. She was, but she didn't want to look like she was.

She pushed the door closed and turned to face House, her body rigid with tension as she tried to keep her expression blank. It wasn't all that hard to do, because when House fired off his accusation she went numb.

She should've seen this coming. She should've known House would find out and she should've prepared herself. Then she wouldn't be standing here, blindsided by the accusation and mentally scrambling for the best way to respond. Except she was pretty sure there was no best way to respond.

"Yes, I did." She wasn't sure telling the truth was was the right thing to do, but she was certain lying would be the wrong choice. "What of it?"

[rubicks_complex]

He was stupid to be holding onto a very weak glimmer of hope that Cuddy would deny sleeping with Dean. But even if she had denied, he wouldn't have believed her, anyway.

Hearing her confirm that, yes, she'd slept with Dean, House felt his insides go cold. The way she'd remarked what of it stung. What of it? What of it? House had to look away from her, hardly able to contain his anger, and jealousy and... hurt. Not to mention a sudden feeling of inferiority. Minus the arrogant prick part, Dean was everything House wasn't: young, good-looking, not crippled.

He swallowed to try and alleviate the tightness in his throat, and when he turned his eyes back to Cuddy, his gaze was cold. "Nothing," he replied. "Obviously nothing to you. But definitely enough that you'd go back to him for seconds."

Even if he wanted to hold back saying anything hurtful and outlandish to her, he wasn't able to. "I'd love to know who else you've been whoring yourself out to."

[l_cuddy_md]

House's expression was so icy she was tempted to check her extremities for frostbite. She heated up fast, though, when he accused her of being a whore.

"Don't...don't even go there," she warned, taking a few halting steps closer to him. Her whole body was shaking and she clenched her hands into fists to hide the trembling. Part of it was anger, certainly. At Dean, who'd be smart to keep himself and his big mouth out of her sight for the foreseeable future. But at House, too, for accusing her of something like that.

"You bastard," she said, getting even angrier at the way her voice shook. "We weren't together when I slept with Dean. And that was your choice, House, not mine. Hell, you were barely speaking to me. You'd show up for your pill, grunt something at me, and disappear for another twelve hours. Was I supposed to sequester myself in my room, pining away over you?"

[rubicks_complex]

"Did it ever occur to you that I didn't want you to sleep with anyone else?" he fired back at her, without thinking.

He faltered at his admission before sharply facing away from Cuddy and pacing across to the window to stall for time while he tried to gather his thoughts. She was right: they hadn't been together at that point, when she'd slept with Dean. But that didn't matter, as far as House was concerned. He hated the very thought of Cuddy being with anyone else but him, so much that it made him feel sick with jealousy. Why would she sleep with someone else if she claimed she wanted him so much?

He reeled around at that thought, to face her again. "So, what, you tell him you want to be with him, too?" he said viciously. "You went back to him for seconds, just like you did with me. Did you assure him that it wasn't a relationship, and then changed your mind? Just like you did with me?"

[l_cuddy_md]

"Then you should've said something instead of telling me I was nothing more than convenient sex," she shot back.

Of course she'd known that House wouldn't want her to sleep with anyone else, but House not wanting her to be with anyone else didn't mean he wanted to be with her. He'd often interfered with her romances back home for no better reason than the fact that he could.

She flinched when House turned on her, flinging words at her like knives, and she understood that he was angry and maybe even hurt just as she'd been when she found out about Alice. Which didn't make a whole lot of sense to her because House just didn't care about her that much.

"No, it wasn't anything like that. Dean didn't mean anything more to me than Alice did to you. He was a...distraction." She stood there, her posture uncertain because she didn't know whether to move toward House or away from him. She wasn't good at confrontation, not in her personal life.

"I only told you it wasn't a relationship because that's what you wanted to hear. Because I wanted you enough that I was willing to take whatever you'd give." She wrapped her arms around herself, her hands still shaking. "I didn't lie to you. I was just afraid to tell the whole truth."

[rubicks_complex]

Because that was what he wanted to hear? Well... House had to admit to himself that was true. Sort of. More accurately, he'd been scared that Cuddy wanted more from him, even more scared by the fact that he wanted more from Cuddy. He gave her a briefly troubled look before resuming his hard glare when he remembered what Dean had said to him in the bar.

"'Lisa loves it on top'," he sneered, paraphrasing Dean's words. "'I got her off. Twice. Every time'. Boy, that must've been some distraction for you to keep wanting more."

He faced away from her again, stalling for yet more time to try and make some kind of sense of Cuddy saying she wanted him enough that she was willing to take whatever he gave to her. It was hard to think rationally, though, with how jealous and angry he was feeling. Even if he could think rationally, he wasn't sure he'd believe her. He wanted to kick himself for how hurt and insecure he was feeling that someone else gave her what he wanted to keep just between them.

"How do I know you haven't been getting it off with other guys in here?" he accused when he faced back to her again. "You were going to never tell me about Dean, I know that. You wouldn't have bothered hiding it, otherwise. So, how do I know what else you've been up to?"

There was an issue pressing deeper than that, though. "Why him? If you were willing to take what I was going to give, then why the need to selfishly get more somewhere else, like some lady of the night? What, you felt so starved of affection that the best way to double your efforts of getting some was by sleeping with that jackass?"

[l_cuddy_md]

Cuddy's lips moved soundlessly as House mocked her with Dean's words. Obviously he hadn't just told House about them, he'd exaggerated it. He'd used it to attack House. She was going to kill him.

"There was no 'every' time. And I didn't keep wanting more." True enough. It was only twice, and she honestly hadn't intended the second time to happen. Not that House would understand that.

Her cheeks flamed as House continued his verbal attack. She wasn't a whore, but he was making her feel like one. She hadn't given any other man a second thought. Hell, she'd barely given Dean a thought...although maybe she should have. If she'd stopped and really thought about what she was doing, maybe she wouldn't have done it. Except she hadn't done anything wrong. She hadn't broken any promises. Hadn't made any promises to be broken.

"Why not him? All he wanted was sex. All you wanted was sex. If sex is all anyone wants me for, then why shouldn't I get as much as I can?" she retorted defensively.

She pressed her hand over her mouth, shaking her head because that wasn't true... Maybe it was a little bit of the truth. Maybe. She didn't know any more. She was too confused and angry and...and afraid that she'd managed to lose whatever little chance she'd had with House through a stupid choice.

"I think I was trying to prove to myself that I could do 'just sex' since that's all you wanted and if I had 'just sex' with someone else then...." She let out a bitter laugh, blinking back tears, because that sounded completely fucked up even to her. "I have no idea what the hell I was doing."

[rubicks_complex]

House stared at her. He tried to follow her logic, but the churning jealousy in him was distorting anything he heard. So... by sleeping with Dean she was trying to prove to herself that she didn't need House? Maybe that was supposed to put him at ease somehow, that Cuddy had been trying not to get herself too attached... or something. But right now, it did nothing but spike House's insecurity further.

"I don't want you just for sex!" he exploded. He then snapped his mouth shut. He quickly turned away, fretfully rubbing his forehead, hating the way that the things he was admitting without thinking were showing just how insecure he was about losing Cuddy. And how much Cuddy actually meant to him.

He spun back around to face her. "So, if sex is all anyone wants you for, you're just going to make yourself easy. Real nice, Cuddy."

[l_cuddy_md]

"Well, being easy might be the only way I don't have to go to bed alone every damn night." She was trying to make a joke of it, but the raw sound of her voice made it a poor attempt. And really, it was close enough to the truth to be not all that funny.

She moved toward House, reaching out but only brushing her fingers against his arm. She was too uncertain of his reaction to attempt anything more than that small touch.

"But you said all you wanted was sex. Uncomplicated sex, and yeah, I realize that didn't happen, but that's what you said you wanted. I didn't think I had any realistic chance of changing your mind."

She'd never been able to hold on to a man. Some were attracted to her physically, but not beyond that. Sex didn't make for a long term relationship and she never seemed to be able to find an emotional or even intellectual connection. House was a special challenge because his intelligence intimidated her. Add to that his tendency to reject emotional connections and she hadn't seen any realistic chance of success.

Or--worse--her subconscious had taken over and sabotaged her chance.

"I'm sorry," she said, because she didn't know what else to say that could make any difference. She didn't know that saying sorry could make any difference. "Apparently the more important a relationship is to me, the more spectacularly I screw it up."

[rubicks_complex]

House didn't find Cuddy's attempted joke funny at all. In any other situation, he probably would've ridiculed her for his own amusement, but this wasn't all amusing. It was personal. When Cuddy then touched him, he jerked away from her. He didn't want to be touched, not when he was feeling as angry as he was right now. Angry and jealous. And upset. And angry at himself for feeling upset.

He scowled darkly at Cuddy when she apologised. "Important, right," he replied snidely. "It's so important, that you have to shack up with other guys just to feel needed and wanted."

He pulled his face into a leer. "'God, you have no idea what you do to me'," he said, mocking her words from the last time they had sex. "What would that be? Making you feel needed and wanted by sleeping with you, like that arrogant Winchester jerk or any other guy's dick you might've had the pleasure of riding?"

He nodded at her sharply. "Yeah. You screwed this up. Spectacularly."

[l_cuddy_md]

Cuddy cringed and wrapped her arms around her again when House pulled away from her. She understood why he wouldn't want her to touch him, but it still hurt.

"It is important," she insisted. She was so fucking stupid. She had some idea of how insecure House could be; she'd known he wouldn't exactly believe her when she told him how much he meant to her, and then she'd gone and done something that would completely undermine any chance he'd believe her.

"I haven't been sleeping around. I didn't need to; I wasn't going to find any better sex than what I had with you. Dean was...a mistake." She had to stop and take a deep breath, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her. When she got worked up--fear, anger, sadness--it always came out the same way. She cried and yelled and generally made a mess of herself, but she needed to stay in control if she had any hope of making House listen to her.

"But it's not just about the sex. It never was. You're smart and funny and interesting and even back in college I knew an average, ordinary woman like me never had a chance with you. I wanted a chance, though. I wanted you."

The tears finally spilled over. She wasn't done fighting, though. House confirmed that she'd screwed it up but she wasn't going to just give up.

"Haven't you ever wanted something so badly you did something stupid? Haven't you ever made a mistake?"

[rubicks_complex]

Cuddy starting to cry was... House had never seen her cry in front of him before. He knew she wasn't the type of woman to lose herself to her emotions easily - at least, not in front of people. Behind closed doors, maybe. So, seeing her cry now was unsettling. Unsettling because he wasn't used to seeing Cuddy become this unglued over something, because he didn't know how to handle Cuddy being this upset, and because he didn't know what to make of her being this upset over him. Hell, he was certain he'd probably caused her cry from the things he'd said to her in the past; she definitely wouldn't be the first person. But he never in a millions years thought Cuddy would ever cry because of him.

He refused to let himself be affected any further by it, though. And that was harder than House would've liked it to be, and he could only blame that on the fact that he was stupid enough to let himself get too attached to Cuddy, too emotionally entangled. Oh, for Christ's sake. He refused to listen to anything Cuddy was saying, partly because he didn't believe her. And he also didn't want to listen to her because he didn't want to get any further sucked in emotionally.

"Don't make this about me," he shot back at her coldly. Oh boy, he'd made loads of mistakes in his life. He wasn't about to grant Cuddy any reprieve, though. Amd the more he watched her cry, the more he wanted to exert a wall between himself and Cuddy, shut out her deep remorse and his own hurt.

"Maybe you really need to think about why you're such a screw up when it comes to relationships. Because when someone gives you an inch, you think that's an incentive to take a mile. You were such a successful career woman, yet wouldn't know success in relationships if it screwed you just like you screwed your toyboy. But the truth is, Cuddy, you're pathetic as a doctor, you always were, and you're just as pathetic for being so desperate."

Maybe later on he'd realise he was taking it too far with the attacks, but he was so riled up right now that he couldn't have stopped to think rationally about this, even if he tried. House snorted derisively at her. "I guess all I can say to that is, thanks for the good times. Hope it was as good for you as it was for me."

He glared at her for a moment before he dismissively looked away and started to head towards the door.

[l_cuddy_md]

A sob escaped her as House continued to assail her with vicious insults. The thing was, House always made her aware of her insecurities, personally and professionally, even at the best of times. Right now she was so devastated she couldn't muster up an argument that even she would believe.

"House," she choked out, grabbing at his arm as he walked past her. He still wouldn't look at her and she found herself staring at the bruise on his jaw.

"Do you want to take a swing at me? Would that make you feel better?" And Christ if that didn't prove exactly how pathetic she was. That she would even suggest such a thing.... But she meant it. Right now she'd do just about anything to keep House from walking out on her.

"It couldn't possibly hurt any worse than I feel right now."

[rubicks_complex]

If Cuddy crying was anything to go by, House should've known she'd try to stop him from leaving. But he was taken off guard by her grabbing his arm, nonetheless. It was what she said, however, that threw House right off.

He stared down at her, almost in disbelief. House did a lot of outlandish, socially unacceptable things to either shock or dismay people. To be defiant and to be contrary. But if there was anything he didn't do, it was hit women. And never in his wildest dreams would he ever hit Cuddy, no matter how angry he was at her.

Staring down at her tear-streaked face, House almost - almost - felt himself relent. Not because she'd made such a crazy offer to let him hit her, but because it was Cuddy, and even through all his irrational anger, he still wanted her. Hell, he hadn't agreed to try out a relationship with her for nothing. He felt his fingers twitch, an impulse to reach up and push her hair from her face and wipe her tears from her cheeks.

He steeled himself and sharply jerked his arm out of her grasp. "Don't be such a moron," he said. Wanting to get out of the room now, House started briskly for the door again - but as he neared it, he began to puzzle over why Cuddy would stoop so low as to offer to let him hit her. Actually, it disturbed him.

He snatched the door handle in his hand... but didn't turn it. He stood there and peered at the door for a moment, still trying to understand what had happened just then, before facing around to Cuddy with an incredulous look.

"Why would you even suggest something thing like that?" he demanded.

[l_cuddy_md]

Cuddy sagged, hunching over the sick, empty feeling in her gut, when House jerked away from her. She closed her eyes and waited for the slam of the door.

The sound of his voice actually startled her. She turned toward him, but had to rub the tears from her eyes before she could actually see him. "Not because I think you'd actually do it," she said. "No matter what your other faults, you're not physically violent to women."

She shrugged helplessly, then reached up to brush away more tears. "You're right; I'm pathetic. And desperate. And I hurt you and I need to make that right and I don't know how."

She wanted to be angry at House for the things he'd said. She wanted to be angry that he'd hold a meaningless sexual encounter against her when he'd had his share of meaningless sex. She wanted to be angry because it wouldn't hurt nearly so much. As usual, what she wanted and what she got were two entirely different things.

"If there's something I can do to make it right, then tell me. I'll do it."