Someone tell me...
I just need to know that I'm loved. Someone say it, 'cuz I sure as shit am not feeling it in my family. Even Emma... My whole fucking family hates me. Fi with her vieled insults, my mom... just not caring at all... Bonnie treating me like some insane fuck who just happens to share with her...
Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but I had an awful morning. Apparently, I seem to have been kicked out of my house again. For... little to nothing, of course. I got drunk last night, went home, wandered into my mom's room, because she had fucking Sailor Moon on while she was sleeping, so I turned it off and in my drunken stupor tossed the CD at the dresser. Then, I mumbled something about how she needs to stop pursuing that pathetic fuck Joe, and went to bed.
Around 8:00 or so this morning...Emma tells me mama wants to see me, so I wander up, half asleep... and well, she is acting like I stole a favorite piece of jewelry or money. (Yeah, it's that bad now. Anything that has to do with Joe is SUCH a huge deal to her, it's vomitous.)I find her damned disk, close the door, and start to walk away. Well, I had told her I was drunk, so it took a minute to remember where the disk was. But as I was walking away, she tells Emma that I am a bad influence and that she shouldn't spend time with me. She said I was an alchoholic... I was drunk once three weeks ago, and then this weekend. Does that make me an alcoholic...? No. Hell no, it doesn't. I storm back to the room, sleepiness forgotten, and stand there with my mouth open, in shock.
Well, here's the grand part. Mama tells me to get out of her room, and I just kind of stand there, more hurt than I have been in awhile, and not two minutes after she tells me this, she storms over and shoves me into the wall, and slams her door. I open it again, not sure what to say, and she flips... I know she is going to do it again, so I brace myself against the door frame as she pounds on me, kicking me in the stomach, hitting my chest...
I just don't even know what to think. I'm so hurt in so many ways I can't even begin to describe. Not physically, mind you. I can take her pathetic poundings when the occassion arises. I'm not even bruised. (You'd figure someone so fucking big could do more damage to my little 150lb frame. Whatever.)She isn't abusive. Just... to me. When she feels like it, I suppose... Or when I won't get out of her doorway. Yeah, sure, beat the crap out of your daughter because she wants to talk shit through with you. She never does talk stuff through. She always has an excuse. I don't care, I suppose. I should accept it by now. You'd figure that after years of going through the same cycle I would get the point. But I don't. I guess I refuse to realize that my mother does truly.. hate me. I know no mother can truly hate their child, but she doesn't care what I do. The only reason she made a big deal about me getting drunk was because I moved something that had Joe's DNA on it. She's never cared before. She got mad once, when I got really sick, but it was because I got stupid drunk. Oh, might I add that was nearly.. a year and a half ago? Yes, I am SUCH a drunkard! Fucking bitch...
Well, Bonnie decided to leave at this point. I don't blame her. But as Mama was leaving, she told Bonnie to take Emma with her, and not to let me use her phone.
She actually didn't let me use it. She actually took Emma with her. I'm... I really just don't know what to do. Something so small can cause such a problem... well, I kind of started freaking out at this point, I was sobbing, I didn't know what else to do. I know I'm not right. I should have left when she asked me to, made things easier on myself. But what would you do if your mother was sitting and telling your little sister that you were a bad influence and that you weren't supposed to hang out with her anymore?
I guess Emma was transported to Fi's. I was supposed to come over at 5:00 today, which I did. But Emma was there. So I'm not supposed to be there, apparently. Since my phone got run over, they couldn't call me, so they just told me to go to the club house when I got here. It's 5:37 and I haven't even eaten yet. I left my Cream of Wheat there... and they wouldn't even let me get a bowl of my OWN FOOD. I'm really hungry, and... God, I don't even know what to do.
My family is being torn apart, and seemingly by me. And I'm doing nothing but sleeping at that house, essentially. I use the least amount of electricity... Who keeps his TV on all night? Well, Joe does. But does that matter? No, but I get bitched out for accidentally leaving the kitchen light on.
I suppose I'm done. I'm just emotionally shattered, and I feel like I'm being torn up from the inside out and no one gives a fucking shit. My mom says I need therapy, but that's just to hurt me. But did she ever think it might be true? No, she wouldn't try to help me that much. That's all up to me. I'm not her child anymore.
I fucking want my dad back.... I never thought I would say that, but shit, I said it.
Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but I had an awful morning. Apparently, I seem to have been kicked out of my house again. For... little to nothing, of course. I got drunk last night, went home, wandered into my mom's room, because she had fucking Sailor Moon on while she was sleeping, so I turned it off and in my drunken stupor tossed the CD at the dresser. Then, I mumbled something about how she needs to stop pursuing that pathetic fuck Joe, and went to bed.
Around 8:00 or so this morning...Emma tells me mama wants to see me, so I wander up, half asleep... and well, she is acting like I stole a favorite piece of jewelry or money. (Yeah, it's that bad now. Anything that has to do with Joe is SUCH a huge deal to her, it's vomitous.)I find her damned disk, close the door, and start to walk away. Well, I had told her I was drunk, so it took a minute to remember where the disk was. But as I was walking away, she tells Emma that I am a bad influence and that she shouldn't spend time with me. She said I was an alchoholic... I was drunk once three weeks ago, and then this weekend. Does that make me an alcoholic...? No. Hell no, it doesn't. I storm back to the room, sleepiness forgotten, and stand there with my mouth open, in shock.
Well, here's the grand part. Mama tells me to get out of her room, and I just kind of stand there, more hurt than I have been in awhile, and not two minutes after she tells me this, she storms over and shoves me into the wall, and slams her door. I open it again, not sure what to say, and she flips... I know she is going to do it again, so I brace myself against the door frame as she pounds on me, kicking me in the stomach, hitting my chest...
I just don't even know what to think. I'm so hurt in so many ways I can't even begin to describe. Not physically, mind you. I can take her pathetic poundings when the occassion arises. I'm not even bruised. (You'd figure someone so fucking big could do more damage to my little 150lb frame. Whatever.)She isn't abusive. Just... to me. When she feels like it, I suppose... Or when I won't get out of her doorway. Yeah, sure, beat the crap out of your daughter because she wants to talk shit through with you. She never does talk stuff through. She always has an excuse. I don't care, I suppose. I should accept it by now. You'd figure that after years of going through the same cycle I would get the point. But I don't. I guess I refuse to realize that my mother does truly.. hate me. I know no mother can truly hate their child, but she doesn't care what I do. The only reason she made a big deal about me getting drunk was because I moved something that had Joe's DNA on it. She's never cared before. She got mad once, when I got really sick, but it was because I got stupid drunk. Oh, might I add that was nearly.. a year and a half ago? Yes, I am SUCH a drunkard! Fucking bitch...
Well, Bonnie decided to leave at this point. I don't blame her. But as Mama was leaving, she told Bonnie to take Emma with her, and not to let me use her phone.
She actually didn't let me use it. She actually took Emma with her. I'm... I really just don't know what to do. Something so small can cause such a problem... well, I kind of started freaking out at this point, I was sobbing, I didn't know what else to do. I know I'm not right. I should have left when she asked me to, made things easier on myself. But what would you do if your mother was sitting and telling your little sister that you were a bad influence and that you weren't supposed to hang out with her anymore?
I guess Emma was transported to Fi's. I was supposed to come over at 5:00 today, which I did. But Emma was there. So I'm not supposed to be there, apparently. Since my phone got run over, they couldn't call me, so they just told me to go to the club house when I got here. It's 5:37 and I haven't even eaten yet. I left my Cream of Wheat there... and they wouldn't even let me get a bowl of my OWN FOOD. I'm really hungry, and... God, I don't even know what to do.
My family is being torn apart, and seemingly by me. And I'm doing nothing but sleeping at that house, essentially. I use the least amount of electricity... Who keeps his TV on all night? Well, Joe does. But does that matter? No, but I get bitched out for accidentally leaving the kitchen light on.
I suppose I'm done. I'm just emotionally shattered, and I feel like I'm being torn up from the inside out and no one gives a fucking shit. My mom says I need therapy, but that's just to hurt me. But did she ever think it might be true? No, she wouldn't try to help me that much. That's all up to me. I'm not her child anymore.
I fucking want my dad back.... I never thought I would say that, but shit, I said it.