Just call me angel of the morning...
Women are never satisfied and I'm no exception. I used to be girlfriend material. I used to be thoughtful, caring, devoted, creative... Now I'm just a run of the mill nag with relationship ADD. When was I ruined? Did it come with watching my most serious relationship come to an explosive end in front of my eyes? Did it come with being torn apart by the one person I once cared most about? Perhaps it was the product of verbal abuse and manipulation, or it was it the hurt that comes with being cheated on? Hard to say, I suppose. I thought I was over it- it's been months- and in a sense I am. I don't miss him, and never have. I didn't think I'd be this angry after all this time, however. I feel like it isn't healthy to let an old relationship stand in the way of new ones, and yet it does and I can't let it go. Dating Andrew was a painful experience, and leaving him was a relief, but honestly, why can't I bring myself to have a stronger relationship with anyone else? I get uncomfortable in dating situations now. I hate being touched. I hate being held. I hate when someone grabs my hand, or even brushes my shoulder. I know it's intended to be caring, not sleazy, but regardless, all I want to do is shove them to the ground and tell them to keep all paws off. I become irritated with the tiniest things, which I never used to do, and I let them irk me until I snap. I notice flaws right away, and I patronize the men who are nice enough to take me out by placing them into catagories and ignoring their phone calls. This isn't me. I never used to play with feelings like that, and the worst part is I don't even really feel bad, because hey, I offer to pay. I'm up front from the beginning- I don't want anything. Is it my fault if they misinterpret that to mean "I don't want anything... with anyone but you"? Suffice to say these days I am, alas, undateable. You'd be better off spending time with your crotchety Aunt Marge.