Long as shit Whiney Baby Bitch Post
I am in a super blah mood right now. Since my boyfriend is in Edisto on Spring Break, there's no one to talk to. I guess this is the next best thing. I'm not sure what's going on with me right now, really. Maybe it's the tequila or maybe it's feelings that I have had for quite a while that I've been trying to hide and ignore. As much as I'd like to say that it's just the tequila talking, I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not. I have been going through my room, getting rid of things I no longer need or want. I can only do it for a small amount of time every day because I always find something to upset me. I have been finding so many things from senior year. Everything was so great then. I was so happy. Maybe I was just too naive to realize what was ahead of me, or maybe that's when I started to fuck my life up. I had so many plans and so many dreams. I had my heart set on going to Winthrop University to become a first grade teacher. I wanted it more than anything. The day I found out I didn't get accepted; I locked myself in my room and cried for an entire day. I didn't speak to anyone, or eat anything. I just sat on my bed, banging my head against the wall, bawling until my eyes didn't have any tears left. I think this was the day it all started going downhill for me. I gave up trying in school, if I even went at all. I mean, I always half assed everything in school, and that's what messed me up in the first place. But I just didn't care anymore. I already knew I was going to end up at TTC, so I just didn't try at all. I figured I'd transfer after I got my grades up, and it'd be no big deal. That March, when my period didn't rear its ugly head, I knew Winthrop wouldn't be seeing mine. Ever. At the time, it was the least of my concerns, but it still gets to me today. It really bothers me that I will never get the experience of living away from my parents, with my peers, and being on my own. Living a (for the most part) care-free life. Now, I know that the closest I'll ever get to the dorm life is living in an apartment with Kelsi, struggling to make ends meet, eating the only thing we'll be able to afford- Ramen noodles. I started out Trident really well, but when Kelsi came along and my mom got so sick, things got really hectic. I managed to do really well my first semester of college. I thought, Hey, so what if I didn't go to Winthrop. I'll be out of TTC in no time, and I'll be at C of C in 2 short years. Kelsi and I will start elementary school together. But the next 3 semesters weren't as smooth of sailing. I was so busy with Kelsi, I would either forget to turn in assignments or do them in a hurry and get some not so good grades on them. I think I just got to the point where I didn't care at all. It seemed I had way too much going on in my life but looking back, I see that I didn't. Because of many different circumstances, I took this semester off. While it's been nice to have a break, it's also given me the time to think. I am beginning to really doubt what I want out of life, as far as a career goes. I love children and have wanted to be a teacher for a long time. Although teachers are always in demand, they don't make much money. I don't want Kelsi to have to live the life she'd have on a teacher's salary. As unplanned as she was, I love her more than anything. Yeah, she's made things pretty hard on me, but I want to give her the world and so much more. I want her to have everything I always wanted but never had the chance to have. With teaching out of the picture for now, it brings me to my next thought. What else do I enjoy? Well, I've always wanted to own a 50's themed diner. But to open a business, you've got to have money. And let's just be honest, a single mom will NEVER have money. So that dream is put on hold, if not pushed out the window completely. So onto the thought number three. I've come to realize I have no idea what I enjoy. I really don't enjoy anything that I could make a career out of. But I think that I would rather be unhappy in my job in order to give Kelsi the life she deserves. I think about going back to college in the fall. But I'd have to decide what major. And I mean, geez, if I can barely handle Trident, what's going to happen to me if I ever make it to C of C? I guess I'll cross that bridge if I ever find it. I just feel like I am stuck right now. I can't go to college because I don't have money. I don't have money because I don't have a decent job. I don't have a decent job because I don't have a degree. And I'm not even anywhere close to having a degree because I'm not in school. And why aren't I in school? Oh, yeah, back to square one. I am just so frustrated with my life right now. School and my future career aren't the only things bothering me, but it's certainly a big one. Another thing that's really starting to get to me is my lack of friends. In high school, I could not get off the phone for 5 minutes before it would ring again. Many times, I could be found with 5 conversations on AIM, my cell in one hand and my house phone in the other. I was always concocting something to do with the plethora of friends I had. After high school, I lost touch with many people, which I expected. I still had my 3 best friends, and a couple friends who were less close but still important to me. After Kelsi, I started to lose touch with the few friends I had left. I had a few people that I thought would always be there for me. Today, every one of those few has moved on. These days, the only people I talk to on a regular basis are Dylan and Leslie. I don't really see Leslie all that much. She and I are both busy people. It just really bothers me when I am so bored most of the time. I sit at home alone almost every night(except when Dylan's in town). When I do go somewhere, it's normally with Kelsi, but I've found she isn't much company. I have one more thing I want to talk about, but I'm not sure how I want to go about it, so I think I'll just keep it inside for a while. I could be worried about nothing, or it could really be an issue. I don't know. I'm really stressing out about it. I'm not going to get a wink of sleep tonight. This has gone on long enough. Goodnight.