Sick panic.
I've done it to myself. I'm sick. And I'm in panic state. 
I can't seem to think myself out of it because I'm so damn tired. I can't see an end to this problem until I do it. Until I do the test and either survive or wind up back in hospital. Unfortunately, there is a decent chance this could happen.
A few years ago the docs said I reached end result. This led to consulting with other docs, all said the same thing. There were meds, painkillers, too much weight, and life was hell. I followed all the rules and did everything I was told to get better, and it wasn't working. I was fucking miserable and could not imagine living life in that state. One day I decided to go at it myself. I figured it couldn't get any worse, and what did I have to lose? So far, so good.
One of my goals was to be able to get back on a horse since I was told this was not possible. I scheduled a little 50-minute trail ride, but the stable had to cancel when one of the bonded pair went down. So after calling around, I found another place. Originally I scheduled another little ride, but the owner suddenly changed her mind and offered me a spot on a 2 hour actual ride. Through the woods, no trails. In the Kingdom. On a huge horse, with attitude. Somehow I felt that fate placed this in my path for a reason, so I said yes. With no hesitation. (Although Fate is a bitch for playing with my life this way. She knew I didn't want to go back into the Kingdom this weekend.) I'm still not hesitating, but I'm scared. Now that I've had time to think about this I'm not sure my body is healed enough to do THIS ride. I'm betting it is 50/50 that I get hurt vs. make it through relatively pain-free.
I should have told the boy all this, but I never had the chance. I haven't seen him in a week and he's been busy. So have I.
The ride is tomorrow. I need sleep. And I need to believe I'll be ok. Mostly I really wish I'd told him so there could be cuddling. I need that. Maybe that would stop the tears.
I can't seem to think myself out of it because I'm so damn tired. I can't see an end to this problem until I do it. Until I do the test and either survive or wind up back in hospital. Unfortunately, there is a decent chance this could happen.
A few years ago the docs said I reached end result. This led to consulting with other docs, all said the same thing. There were meds, painkillers, too much weight, and life was hell. I followed all the rules and did everything I was told to get better, and it wasn't working. I was fucking miserable and could not imagine living life in that state. One day I decided to go at it myself. I figured it couldn't get any worse, and what did I have to lose? So far, so good.
One of my goals was to be able to get back on a horse since I was told this was not possible. I scheduled a little 50-minute trail ride, but the stable had to cancel when one of the bonded pair went down. So after calling around, I found another place. Originally I scheduled another little ride, but the owner suddenly changed her mind and offered me a spot on a 2 hour actual ride. Through the woods, no trails. In the Kingdom. On a huge horse, with attitude. Somehow I felt that fate placed this in my path for a reason, so I said yes. With no hesitation. (Although Fate is a bitch for playing with my life this way. She knew I didn't want to go back into the Kingdom this weekend.) I'm still not hesitating, but I'm scared. Now that I've had time to think about this I'm not sure my body is healed enough to do THIS ride. I'm betting it is 50/50 that I get hurt vs. make it through relatively pain-free.
I should have told the boy all this, but I never had the chance. I haven't seen him in a week and he's been busy. So have I.
The ride is tomorrow. I need sleep. And I need to believe I'll be ok. Mostly I really wish I'd told him so there could be cuddling. I need that. Maybe that would stop the tears.