Last Five Years
So I'm sitting at home, packing for tonight and tomorrow, getting my ass in gear to get to TO for my training and what notthis weekend when I get an annonymous "hello" on my msn.
Like deer in the headlights. Original Sin. Fuck Face Numero Uno. The one that started my affiliaton with Katherine the Shrew.
Tim.
I respond: "Oh, is this your semi-annual check up?"
"lol I do that?"
"Yes, you do do that. every year. This one will fill the quota for 2005."
"Well then, how are you?"
And I'm stuck. Heart racing, thoughts racing, vomit racing up my throat. How does this guy do this to me? YEARS! A decade at least. A life time ago and still here he is yammering on about 10th grade and wondering how I am 'since he got back from Germany' - yeah nice plug asshole. *sigh....He mentions the girl (Val?), the guys, yes he pitches for both teams but loves Val) and the trip, a family update and the fact he hasn't graduated and is loving his student life. We chat about his family, my family, how his brother is living in scotland with his wife (which is CRAZY talk to me) and how he goes to Germany every summer. (just shoot me, rather, just shot him and take his plane tickets...)
At this point I start getting stupid and flaunt my actor life (shush, I heard that.) And the fact I want to go to Ireland. Other than that I don't let him into my life and the details of Adri 2005. I don't want another relapse. *shudder 2002* ANYWAY.
This LJ is therapy because its me venting that I am not that girl in highschool anymore - which is who I become when I talk to him. That or the stuck up- walled up- idiot we all love *see last update with the idiot adventures of ME at my interview*. I am not allowing this to jar me for the next month, which was what happened the last time his semi annual check up happened. I will always love him and vice versa, yadda yadda, but really, I could deal with him annually, or even better- only at reunions. These panic attacks are going to be the death of me. And its not even "him" its the slap from the past - and I have to do a system reboot to make sure I'm not slipping - I check myself over with career goals, maturity, interests and progress from that girl who wore lisa loeb glasses and sat reading any script she could whiles skipping 3rd period with Mrs McIssac.
Oh and just to help you understand, no one ever truly will but; heres the reference to him in my favourite musical AKA the story of my life:
Met a guy in a class I was taking who you might say
Looked like Tom Cruise
He wouldn't leave me alone 'less I went with him to dinner
And I guess he was cute
And I guess he was sweet
ANd I guess he was good in bed
I gave up my life for a better part of a year
And so I'm starting to think that this maybe might work
And the second it entered my head
He needed to take some time off
Focus on his "career"
He blew me off with a heartfelt letter
I thought "I can do better than that"
- Last 5 Years: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/thelast5years/icandobetterthanthat.htm
yeah....looked like tom, but it was more like 4 years plus change, broke my heart just when I thought we were in it for the long haul.... (in Germany and again in Paris, wait again in Canada...yes I am an idiot, don't pity me I was a stupid stupid girl.) R&J love stinks, someone has to die for it to end.
Like deer in the headlights. Original Sin. Fuck Face Numero Uno. The one that started my affiliaton with Katherine the Shrew.
Tim.
I respond: "Oh, is this your semi-annual check up?"
"lol I do that?"
"Yes, you do do that. every year. This one will fill the quota for 2005."
"Well then, how are you?"
And I'm stuck. Heart racing, thoughts racing, vomit racing up my throat. How does this guy do this to me? YEARS! A decade at least. A life time ago and still here he is yammering on about 10th grade and wondering how I am 'since he got back from Germany' - yeah nice plug asshole. *sigh....He mentions the girl (Val?), the guys, yes he pitches for both teams but loves Val) and the trip, a family update and the fact he hasn't graduated and is loving his student life. We chat about his family, my family, how his brother is living in scotland with his wife (which is CRAZY talk to me) and how he goes to Germany every summer. (just shoot me, rather, just shot him and take his plane tickets...)
At this point I start getting stupid and flaunt my actor life (shush, I heard that.) And the fact I want to go to Ireland. Other than that I don't let him into my life and the details of Adri 2005. I don't want another relapse. *shudder 2002* ANYWAY.
This LJ is therapy because its me venting that I am not that girl in highschool anymore - which is who I become when I talk to him. That or the stuck up- walled up- idiot we all love *see last update with the idiot adventures of ME at my interview*. I am not allowing this to jar me for the next month, which was what happened the last time his semi annual check up happened. I will always love him and vice versa, yadda yadda, but really, I could deal with him annually, or even better- only at reunions. These panic attacks are going to be the death of me. And its not even "him" its the slap from the past - and I have to do a system reboot to make sure I'm not slipping - I check myself over with career goals, maturity, interests and progress from that girl who wore lisa loeb glasses and sat reading any script she could whiles skipping 3rd period with Mrs McIssac.
Oh and just to help you understand, no one ever truly will but; heres the reference to him in my favourite musical AKA the story of my life:
Met a guy in a class I was taking who you might say
Looked like Tom Cruise
He wouldn't leave me alone 'less I went with him to dinner
And I guess he was cute
And I guess he was sweet
ANd I guess he was good in bed
I gave up my life for a better part of a year
And so I'm starting to think that this maybe might work
And the second it entered my head
He needed to take some time off
Focus on his "career"
He blew me off with a heartfelt letter
I thought "I can do better than that"
- Last 5 Years: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/thelast5years/icandobetterthanthat.htm
yeah....looked like tom, but it was more like 4 years plus change, broke my heart just when I thought we were in it for the long haul.... (in Germany and again in Paris, wait again in Canada...yes I am an idiot, don't pity me I was a stupid stupid girl.) R&J love stinks, someone has to die for it to end.